


Eternity Embraced

by enars_usurper



Series: Eternity [3]
Category: Mass Effect Trilogy
Genre: Adventure, Adventure & Romance, Drama & Romance, F/M, Romance, Science Fiction
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-08-09
Updated: 2017-08-25
Packaged: 2018-12-13 09:53:27
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 34
Words: 69,450
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11757357
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/enars_usurper/pseuds/enars_usurper
Summary: (Work in Progress) Eternity Embraced, the sequel toEternity's Struggle, follows the tumultuous relationship of Commander Kiara Shepard and Kaidan Alenko as they wage war against the Reapers that have invaded the galaxy battling loss, love, hope, despair and chaos. Sequel to Eternity's Struggle. There are gameplay spoilers. M/F, Shepard x Kaidan. Rated Explicit for content in later chapters.





	1. Arrival of Chaos

Kiara Shepard was going out of her mind with all this downtime. She'd never been someone who, at the best of times, could just sit idly by with nothing to do but being kept under lock and key at the detention center was making everything worse. She knew the Reapers were coming. Already they had gotten too close, which is what had put Shepard in the position she found herself in.

She understood the politics of the situation. She kept getting reassured it was for her protection from the batarians and that, when the proceedings were over, Alliance Command would find in favor of her. It still didn't help the restlessness.

Six months. She'd been kept on Earth in her small, but comfortable room, for six months. She couldn't remember the last time she had so much downtime. She tried to make the most of it she could. She had a beautiful view of Vancouver, three hot meals a day, a soft bed and nearly any book she wanted to acquire. It was nice but it wasn't enough. She was a doer. She needed to be doing something.

She wasn't even allowed to access any files or information. She had highly restricted extranet access which, in short, meant she had nothing to keep her mind busy. So she worked out and worked on compiling what information she knew from memory about the Reapers into extensive reports. Occasionally Alliance Command would debrief her on information she knew about them, but for the most part they left her alone.

That's why when her jailer, a young Lieutenant she'd come to know quite well named James Vega, came and told her the Defense Committee wanted to see her asap, she was curious. There was a tension about the Lieutenant and an urgency to his movements. When she followed him, she looked around at the considerable number of people rushing around.

Haste and busyness erupted all around Shepard as she walked from detention room towards the Defense Committee . Admiral Anderson met them halfway down the hall and started leading her to the Committee room. Something was going on, something big. She could feel it and a familiar weight of dread settled in her stomach.

As they walked, if one could count the near jog they were moving at, Anderson debriefed her on the situation. The fleets were being mobilized and something 'big' was heading their way.

"The Reapers?" she asked, stopping at the bottom of the stairs.

"If I knew that…" Anderson trailed off. She could see in his eyes he knew it was them.

"It’s the Reapers, and we're not ready for them. Not by a long shot," Shepard said firmly. She was annoyed. Six months she'd been locked away when she could have been working to rally the Alliance and the galaxy in preparation.

"Tell that to the Defense Committee," he said as they climbed the stairs and continued on their way to the meeting.

"Unless we're planning on talking the Reapers to death, the Committee is a waste of time."

Anderson tried explaining they were just scared, that none of them had the experience or the knowledge she did about what they were up against. It only stoked her ire. If only they had listened to her instead of burying their heads in the sand.

It wasn't just iritation and anger she felt thought. Her head swam as fear settled in with her the resolve. She'd warned them. She'd known this was coming. She didn't know when, or how, but she'd known Saren and then the Collector Base were just the beginning.

Now the Reapers were there. Was it too late?

As they approached the committee chambers, James grabbed her attention, "Good luck in there Shepard." When he offered his hand out, she took it and shook it firmly and gave him a nod. "Thanks, James. I'm gonna nee…"

"Shepard." She froze a half a heartbeat, knowing intimately the voice that said her name.

She turned her head over her shoulder, "Kaidan." Despite the chaos of the room around them, for a moment their eyes locked and they regarded each other. Even through the walls she'd built up against her thoughts of him since Horizon, that amber gaze of his had a way of just cutting right through them as if they were nothing.

She felt the familiar pull to go to him, her heart aching to be wrapped in his arms and strengthened against what was to come. Yet, for all she wanted to go to him, things had changed. She had changed. And, as it was made clear on Horizon, so had he. Pain she had buried, or thought she had before her trip through the Omega 4 relay, flared again in her chest.

It wasn't the time for sentimentality. The Reapers had come.

Kaidan felt as if his entire world suspended when she turned and looked at him. She looked healthy the months of downtime seeming to have done good for her. He knew her better than that though. He knew she had likely been chaffing at the bit for the last six months while she was confined.

Still, she took his breath away and for the briefest of moments, all the baggage between them seemed minuscule in comparison to how good it felt to see her again. The realization at his happiness at the sight of her tore at him and reawakened the turmoil within him over his feelings for her. He wanted her. He still loved her. But Cerberus had driven a wedge between them and he wasn't sure it was one they could overcome. Was she still with them? Would he ever be able to trust she wasn't still under the Illusive Man's influence?

Turning fully, Shepard approached Admiral Anderson's side as he addressed Kaidan, pulling the Major from his thoughts, "How'd it go in there, Major?"

"Okay I think. Hard to know. I'm just waiting for orders now," Kaidan replied, taking an 'at-ease' stance in front of Anderson. Shepard's eyes moved over his face. He looked as tired and worn as she felt, even with her six months of forced rest she'd taken. His jet black hair had even starting to go a bit grey, leaving him with a dark salt and pepper look. It was surprisingly a good look and it fit him well.

She'd seen what she'd looked like. Since she awoke at the Cerberus lab after their little 'Lazarus project' of resurrecting her, she'd felt like she'd aged herself. Too many hours pouring over missions. Too many hard battles. Too many friends losing their lives under her command. Too many long, sleepless nights.

At least some things were returning to normal. Though her eyes would never be the emerald green they had been before she 'died', instead remaining the now bleached white, her black hair that had been shorn to her shoulders was finally getting its length back. Though it wasn't to where as she had before when it grazed the bottom of her hips, it was long enough that it brushed the middle of her back. For the most part, though, she kept it as she always did - back in a bun to keep it out of her face.

Suddenly the conversation hit her as she came from her thoughts, "Major?" she asked, looking to Kaidan.

"You hadn't heard?" Anderson asked her, giving a glance her way.

"No. I hadn't," she replied as she felt another dagger of emotional pain stab into her. It wasn't that he was Major and she didn’t even hold a rank. That didn't bother her in the least. If anyone deserved it, it was Kaidan. It was that she hadn't known. She hadn't heard. Somehow, she thought, she should have known.

"Sorry Shepard…its been…well…" Kaidan began as he looked to her, the anger and contempt she had last seen written upon his face gone. Pain was written there now along with a myriad of other emotions. He was guarded as well. Though she tried, she couldn't read him or what he felt. It pulled at her own pain. There had once been a time they'd been an open book with each other.

"That's okay. Just…glad I bumped into you, Kaidan," Shepard said. She could see the words, too many unspoken, held in his gaze and she knew they reflected in her own. She could feel the weight of them staring back at her. Still, she couldn't look away. Not with him holding his gaze on her, unwavering.

"Yeah," he said, the corners of his eyes crinkling just barely as he gave a small smile, "me too." That small smile took her breath away and that spark of hope she had nestled deep down, the glimmer she'd thought dead with the Collector mess, gave a tiny flare. For a moment, she thought he genuinely seem glad to see her. One of the Committee aides broke in, "Admiral."

"Come on," Anderson said, striding forward and following after the aide. Still she looked at Kaidan as he watched Anderson walk away then look back at her as she followed after the Admiral. He gave a small nod and she felt the corners of her lips reflecting the small smile he had given her earlier as she walked passed him.

Just before she stepped into the Committee room, she overheard James ask Kaidan if he knew her. "I used to," was all he said yet as she walked, she could still feel the weight of his gaze following her as she disappeared into the Committee room.


	2. Leaving Always Hurts

The Reapers had arrived.

No sooner had Shepard reached the Defense Committee and began to brief them on what they should do to fight, the Reapers began their attack on Earth. It was devastating. Shepard had thought she had known what to expect when she had met Sovereign, and again when she spoke with Harbinger before wiping out the Alpha Relay. Nothing could have prepared her for the sight of them descending on the Vancouver city scape.

She and Admiral Anderson had barely survived. It was thanks to Kaidan and Lieutenant Vega reaching the Normandy that they had made it out of there. Well, she had made it out of there. She hated that Anderson had stayed behind and sent her off to the Citadel. If he was staying to fight, she wanted to stay too, but she knew deep down he was right. They couldn't fight this war alone. They needed the help of the Council.

Leaving Anderson on Earth was one of the hardest things she'd ever done and it ate at her. She hoped he would be alright. She knew if anyone could survive and rally what was left of Earth's forces, it would be Anderson.

Just as the Normandy was pulling away, she glanced over to a couple of shuttles that had set down and were evacuating people. Her gaze fell upon the familiar face of the little boy she'd see in the ducts earlier. He couldn't have been more than six or seven. Fear etched in his young face as he looked around, lost and scared. Their eyes locked for a moment but the mind-ripping mechanical sound of a Reaper raged through the air and tore their attention. It was approaching fast and its sights were set on the shuttles.

Panic coursed through her as she watched the child struggle to climb into one of the shuttles. As soon as he was in, it took off. Shepard fisted her hands as her heart raced and clenched in her chest as the Reaper charged its weapon. She tried to will the shuttles to take off faster but she knew what was coming. She could see they wouldn't make it.

Shepard looked away, her heart wrenching in her chest as one shuttle then the other with the boy on it exploded under the Reapers attack. She felt sick as sorrow washed over her. She glanced back as the debris fell from the sky in a fiery explosion. The face of the little boy seared into her mind. The image tore through her heart and fueled the rage she felt at the Reapers.

The ramp started to close as she turned away and headed deeper into the Normandy's cargo bay. Kaidan watched her from the armory as she headed towards him, the lines of grief written deep into her features. It was an emotion they all felt, a heavy weight enshrouding him at what he'd just witnessed on Earth. He looked away when she caught his glance, turning his attention to his gun as he locked the safety and set it down on the weapons bench.

"What the hell is going on?" Vega said as he followed after Shepard, the urgency and anger in his voice causing Kaidan to bring his attention back to the Lieutenant and her, "Where's Anderson? Where we goin'?"

Shepard just kept walking, each step changing the grief on her face to set lines of determination. "Hey!" Vega called after her.

She glanced over her shoulder as she kept walking, "We're leaving."

"Leaving?!" Vega said, his emotions running as high as the rest of them.

"What's going on?" Kaidan asked, stepping closer to them. He kept his voice calm as he looked to Shepard.

She stepped up to one of the consoles, "Anderson wants us to go to the Citadel, get help for the fight," she said as she glanced over to Kaidan.

Vega spoke up, "Bullshit. He wouldn't order us to leave."

Her fingers stilled as they moved over the console and she whipped around to stare at the Lieutenant. Her movements were stiff as she moved, the familiar hard lines of her Commander side etching along her face. "He can see what's going on. Without help, this war's already over," she said harshly.

Kaidan watched from the sidelines, taking it all in. Though he was aware of the conversation, his attention was on Shepard and the way she held herself. At first Kaidan had thought it was her anger that caused her stiff movements but the more he looked, the more he noticed it mixed with something else. He saw the charring on her uniform then the wet patch at her side, dark with blood. The familiar feeling of worry over her settled in his gut, unbidden at the sight of her wounded.

"Then you can drop me off at the nearest depot, 'cause I'm not leaving," Vega replied, his words angry and just as harsh. He didn't back down from her. It was amazing how quickly the tables turned, one minute he was her jailer and the next she was his CO.

Kaidan was just about to step in and interject himself to suggest she take care of her wound when fury flashed across her features. Kaidan stilled as she raised her hand up and pointed her finger in Vega's face. "Stow it, Lieutenant. You don't want to go…" she gestured to the cargo bay doors then turned back to face him down, "we get it - but this isn't a democracy!" Shepard said, her voice hard with the tone of command but also not hiding her own anger she felt. "We're going to the Citadel…you want out, you can catch a ride back from there."

Vega waved his hand at her in frustration as she turned back around to the console with a wince of pain. Her adrenaline was starting to wear off and she was starting to feel the effects of the explosion from the first attack. Kaidan noticed the wince and once again was about to speak to her when Joker's voice piped through the comms, "Commander."

"Joker…that you?" Shepard asked, surprised. She hadn't expected to hear his voice with how quickly they had to get out of dodge. She made a mental note to ask him later what he was doing on the Normandy. To her knowledge it had been grounded and was nearing the end of extensive retrofits. If they had a crew, it was skeleton at best and likely didn't consist of the usual compliment.

"Alive and kicking. Got an emergency transmission from Admiral Hackett for you," Joker said.

"Patch it through."

Kaidan watched her with an ear to the conversation, concern still filling him at the wound. It didn't look bad but it didn't look good either from what he could tell. Try as he might to not care about her after everything that had happened, he couldn't bring himself not to worry about her. He knew her. She'd push herself until she couldn't push anymore then she'd crawl the rest of the way. Hell, the reports said she died and yet there she stood, having shaken it off like it had just been a bad day.

His attention was pulled when he heard Hackett order them to Mars before the transmission ended and Shepard had Joker set the course.

"This is loco!" chimed Vega, watching after her as she walked over to the armory bench.

"Why Mars? What does he think we'll find there?" Kaidan asked her, ignoring the Lieutenant.

"I don't know…yet…but if it helps us win this war…" she said, checking over the gear and weapons they had accessible. "Grab your gear," she ordered as she picked up her breastplate.

Vega turned and walked away to get ready as Kaidan approached her, "That wound looks bad. Have you used medi-gel yet?" He didn't hide the tone of concern as he stepped up to her side.

"I'm fine. It's just a scratch," she said, her voice and features devoid of emotion. She didn't even glance in his direction.

"Its more than a scratch…" Kaidan said, not missing how she how she trained her gaze in front of her. It hurt but he buried it down. He lost the right to feel hurt at her indifference when he rejected her on Horizon.

"I'll take care of it," she said, taking the few pieces of armor that fit her from the bench then walked over to the other one where Vega readied himself. He watched her go and he sighed. Everything was turned on its head, between Earth and having to work with her again. It gave a whole new meaning to the word 'chaos'.

He readied himself in armor, continuing to spare glances in her direction. He gave a small smile when he saw her apply the medi-gel to her wound before donning on her armor and securing the pieces in place. Watching her, it felt like nothing had changed. She still seemed like the same Shepard, hard and fierce and passionate. Kaidan knew it was an illusion though. She'd been with Cerberus, no matter that Anderson had reinstated her within the Alliance.

Yet, for a moment, he let himself enjoy the illusion and the fact she was in his life once again.


	3. Dredging Up The Past

The Normandy arrived at Mars by the time they'd finished putting on their armor and gathering weapons. Loading into the shuttle, they wasted no time getting down to the Archives. They'd have to be quick if they wanted to make it out before the dust storm hit and knocked out communications.

As soon as they landed, they began to make their way to the entrance. Something about the whole place seemed wrong. It wasn’t just the lack of communications, which could have be explained by an evacuation order. It was just…off and it put Shepard on alert.

Soon enough they found bodies before they came upon a squad of troops executing Alliance soldiers. Whoever they were, Shepard and her team made quick work of them. Walking up to the bodies of those they'd killed, she looked down at the uniform and silently cursed.

"Those guys were Cerberus, weren't they?" Vega asked as he approached behind her and looked at the soldier at her feet.   
  
She gave a nod, "Sure looks like it."   
  
"Cerberus? What are they doing here on Mars?" Kaidan asked. By the way he asked, she knew he was speaking to her directly rather than rhetorically.

"Good question," she replied, scanning their surroundings for more troops.

"You don't know?", Kaidan asked, his tone reminding her all too clearly of Horizon. Already working with him was making everything so much more complicated. He hadn't believed her on back then and it was clear he still didn't, despite the message he'd sent after Horizon.

She had replayed that message countless times to keep the spark of hope kindled in her heart through the months of hell preparing for the assault on the Collector base. Even after she had sent her own message saying goodbye, she kept his around just for the sound of his voice. The hope had died but she never could bring herself to archive it away.

Annoyance flared in her as the old wounds were dredged up. "I'm not with them anymore, Kaidan, if that's what you're asking," she tossed back, her tone as dry as the arid landscape around her.   
  
"It wasn't but, you have to admit, it does seem a bit…uh…convenient." It was clear she wasn't the only one annoyed.

The suspicion was as accusatory as the implication in his words and it ate at her. Before she could bite back a reply, James called out as more Cerberus came out of the landscape and set up a line as they started firing on them.   
  
Shepard was tired, angry and annoyed and she let the Cerberus squad take the full brunt of it as she launched forward in a biotic charge, bluish energy swirling around her as it propelled her at unnatural speeds into the middle of the fray. With a jump into the air as soon as she'd reached her targets, she pulled all that biotic energy into her fist and brought it slamming down into a huge nova that exploded all around her.

Her power sang through her body, simmering down her anger as the Cerberus troops were scattered and discarded like rag dolls. In short order, the remaining soldiers were downed and they began to make our way into the compound.

"It doesn't look like they came out in force," Lieutenant Vega said, looking around at the handful of vehicles present. Kaidan was still in shock by the way she'd attacked them. She'd always been a powerful biotic but he'd never seen a display of that kind of energy from her. It made him wonder if Cerberus had upgraded her implant when they rebuilt her.

"Yeah, just a few vehicles," Shepard said, scanning the same rigs before turning her sights back on the compound as they approached.   
  
"They must've had help from the inside," Kaidan added.   
  
"You could be right…" she agreed, her gaze trained down the barrel of her gun as she secured their surroundings with a sharp eye.   
  
"Nobody can take this facility with anything less than a full battalion," Kaidan replied as they made their way into what looked like a loading bay. Moving to the controls, she closed the door behind them to start to pressurize and oxygenate the environment.   
  
Kaidan moved towards her with a strong purpose to his step. Cerberus was here and he needed to know what was going on. There was too much at stake for anything to be kept back and though he wanted to trust her, he couldn't. Too much had happened. She'd been with Cerberus and Cerberus was suddenly on Mars when she was. It was too much of a coincidence for him. "Shepard, I need a straight answer," he said, his voice harsh and on-edge.  
  
She sighed as she turned away, bringing her hand to her helmet, "Kaidan…" Shepard said with a resigned tone - a tone that meant he wouldn't understand but he should have a long time ago. She was tired of trying to make him understand. She knew this discussion was inevitable but the last thing she wanted was to have it right then.   
  
"Don't 'Kaidan' me," he said as he pointed a finger at her, anger lacing his words, "this is business. Do you know anything about why Cerberus is here?"   
  
She whipped around and glared at him through the visor of her helmet, anger and frustration bubbling up in her again. She was tired of being treated like the enemy. Since they'd landed, his tone had been nothing but accusatory. She was done feeling like she betrayed him and the Alliance when she hadn't. She had done what she had to do and it had gotten the job done, a job no one else had bothered or wanted to do.

Never once did she trust Cerberus and she wasn't going to stand there and be thrown in with their lot anymore. It was about time her and Kaidan cleared some things up. "What makes you think I know what they're up to?" she asked, trying to keep her voice level and cool despite the anger that bubbled under the surface.   
  
"You worked for them for Gods sakes, how am I not supposed to think that?" Kaidan asked, frustration and weariness filling his tone now as he walked to a railing and leaned over it, gripping it tight. Everything was so convoluted. How had it turned to shit so fast? He could remember a time when there was no one he trusted more than her. A time when they had the whole of their future ahead of them and he could never imagine an instance where she wasn't the one he could count on.

"I used them to take down the Collectors. That's it," she said sharply as she walked up to him. She wasn't going to hold back anything any more. She feared if he didn't understand by then, he never would, and the thought of that chilled her to the bone. If he didn't understand then that meant they were well and truly finished. If he couldn't understand, then she really would have to say goodbye. She couldn't just sit around and take the venom he spewed at her though in his anger. He felt betrayed, she got that, but did he ever, once, wonder if she felt the same way about him when he walked away from her on Horizon?  
  
"There's more to it. They rebuilt you from the ground up, they gave you a ship, resources…" he said, unwilling to look at her. He realized as the words came out of his mouth how close to the core truth of it all his words actually came.   
  
"Let me be clear," she said. He could hear the harshness of her tone and the emotions that it held. "I've had no contact with Cerberus since I destroyed the Collector base and I have no idea why they're here now or what they want."   
  
"Commander Shepard's been under constant surveillance since coming back to Earth. No way they've communicated since," James interjected, stepping up. She was annoyed at him for stepping into something that was a lot bigger, and a lot more personal, than he knew but that annoyance cooled when his words seemed to get through to Kaidan where hers hadn’t.

Kaidan pushed back from the rail and turned to look at her, "Sorry, Shepard. It…its just that…" Kaidan began to say as the hold pressurized and let them know it was safe to remove their helmets.   
  
Turning to walk towards the center of the lift, she took off her helmet, anger still coursing through her. He'd apologized, somewhat, but she couldn't just leave it. She was done being treated like the enemy. After all she went through and all she lost, she refused to be treated like that any longer. Turning back to him, she looked him straight on and let him see the full of her upset, "You don't trust Cerberus? Fine. But I am done explaining myself to you."   
  
Just then the floor began to rise as the ceiling opened up at it lifted them into a cargo bay of the compound. Kaidan reached up and rubbed his temple as he sighed. He knew he'd crossed the line but when it came to Shepard, everything was right at the surface and his usual control became nearly impossible hold onto. Inside, a war raged nearly as violent as the one they found themselves thrust into with the arrival of the Reapers. Nothing was simple when it came to Kiara Shepard, especially where his feelings were concerned.

Soon the lift hit the top, Kaidan came to draw up beside her as she strode into the room, looking for any signs around them of Cerberus troops. Wanting to make sure he'd gotten her message loud and clear, she glanced at him, "Are we clear?"   
  
"Perfectly. I didn't mean to…" he started, wanting to give her an apology for his outburst but a loud banging in one of the vents caught their attention. Taking cover, they drew their weapons and waited.

It surprised Shepard when she saw the familiar blue form of Liara T'Soni kick out the vent cover then jump down to the floor. With surgical accuracy, she launched a singularity and disposed of the two Cerberus agents who had followed her. As soon as it was clear, Shepard wasted no time making their presence known as she greeted Liara. It was good to see her. In turn, Liara wasted no time herself as she went into why she was at the Mars Archives, and why Cerberus was there as well. There were blueprints for a device the Protheans had been working on to fight the Reapers but hadn't been able to finish.

Blueprints they needed.

Sending James back to the shuttle as backup in case Cerberus got to the central archive first, Shepard, Kaidan and Liara started making their way through the buildings. They moved with precision and speed as they fell in line with each other's movements, old habits of running missions together streamlining their efficiency.

Finally they reached the security station as they cleared the room and Liara set up quickly to work on trying to disable the locks keeping them from using the tram to get to the central archive. When she couldn't, Kaidan made the suggest to find one of the transmitters with the Cerberus troops and try to convince them they were one of them to get them to send a tram across.

It was a good idea and as Kaidan went to look for the helmets, Shepard could feel Liara's gaze on her over her shoulder. "What?" she asked, looking at her old friend.  
  
The asari looked at Shepard with a knowing look that spoke of seeing more than Shepard wanted her to. "The major has become very…capable," Liara said, not taking her eyes off the Commander.  
  
"That he has," Shepard agreed with equal parts of appreciation and frustration. They had seemed to clear the air a bit after their verbal tussle in the loading bay but there was still a lot of work they needed to do to get on even ground again. There was no changing the past and even at the rate of repair they were going at, she doubted they had a future anymore.

It pained her more than she could admit, even to herself.   
  
Kaidan's voice called out, pulling her from her thoughts, "Shepard! I found something."   
  
Heading over to him, she gave a nod towards the dead Cerberus agent Kaidan knelt next to. "What've you got?"   
  
"He's got a transmitter in his helmet. If I can…" there was a hiss as the helmet opened and suddenly he went still and stepped back. The face he'd exposed was dead but its eyes glowed blue with equally blue veins spreading from his eyes like claw marks over his brow and cheek. "My God…he looks like a Husk."   
  
"Yeah," she said as she approached the body, "not quite but they've definitely done something to him." She knelt down in front of the soldier as she looked him over and tried to work the transmitter out.   
  
"And by 'they', you mean Cerberus? They did this to their own guy?" he asked as he came over and looked down to the body as she stood up. "Is this what they did to you?" he asked as he looked to her, a mixture of concern and disgust in his tone.   
  
Her entire expression reflected his tone as she looked at him as if he'd lost his mind, "How can you compare me to him?" she asked in disbelief, her anger rekindling as she gestured to the body. Did he thing that’s what her change in eye color meant/ That Cerberus had done something to her?  
  
"Shepard, I don't know what you are or who," he said as he turned away, the core of the whole of his issues coming to bear. His words cut her deep as if he'd stabbed her himself. I don't know what you are echoed in her mind as he continued, "Not since Cerberus rebuilt you. For all I know you could be their puppet, controlled by the Illusive Man himself." He turned and looked back at her, as if trying to figure her out.  
  
"Kaidan…" she started, seeing a glimmer of desperation in his eyes as he watched her. As if he was searching for a shred of who she was before he'd lost her.  
  
"Don't try to explain it. I don't think I'd understand anyway," he interrupted as he glanced away in frustration. He sighed then pulled his gaze back to her as he stepped up to her. His eyes held hers, heavy and open and raw. She couldn't look away. She knew his next words were soul deep by the way he looked at her. "I just wanna know. Is the person that I followed to hell and back - the person that I loved - are you still in there…somewhere?" His eyes searched hers. In his gaze she saw it all: sadness and frustration, despair and anger, pain and hope.

Seeing so much in his gaze melted away her anger and frustrations as she stepped closer to him, "They didn't change me, Kaidan, or how I feel about you…" she said softly. Now it was her turn to search his gaze, but the openness of the moment before was gone. He was always a man who'd held tight control over his feelings and she wondered if he'd realized just how much he'd bared open to her. She took a step back, giving him distance, and shook her head, resigned. "But words won't convince you, will they?"   
  
As if resigned too, he shrugged and shook his head, "Probably not."   
  
Shepard sighed, "I didn't think so." He was an obstinate man and it was one of the reason she loved him. She smirked and shook her head, giving him a push on his arm, "You were always stubborn."   
  
He laughed, giving a little snort in that endearing way that spoke to her on a deep level, "Me?" She relished the sound as if it were the only thing that could recharge her soul. She had missed that laugh, the way it crinkled the corners of his eyes and brought a youthful glow to him. It only widened her smile as she walked around him.  
  
She nudged her head to the side, the grin still playing on her lips, "Come on, lets see what Cerberus is up to. Maybe we'll both get some answers," she said as she lifted the transmitter she'd taken from the helmet out.

Time to see if their plan would work.


	4. Shroud of Darkness

The plan had worked perfectly and soon they were on their way again across the tram as they pushed through the buildings. When they finally reached the central archive, though, they had found Cerberus had already beaten them there. Kaidan had taken the perimeter sweep while Liara and Shepard tried to download the data.

The Illusive man had been waiting for her, patched in through the vid comm system. Just seeing him again put Shepard on edge when he'd made himself known. He was ruthless. She'd learned on the Collector base he had no qualms about using Reaper tech to advance his agenda, no matter the danger, but it still surprised her he had used the husk technology on his troops.

By the end of their conversation, Shepard knew another front to the war had just opened and it was not going to be in their favor. No longer was the enemy of her enemy her friend. No, she had two enemies and she vowed to bring them down.

It had all been a ploy, a ruse to buy his agent, Dr. Eva, to buy her time to download and erase the data behind her. As soon as she was found out, she took off running and Shepard fell into fast pursuit behind her. She had almost gotten away but Lieutenant Vega rammed into her shuttle as it was taking off and brought it to the ground.

They had her. All they needed to do was just to get the data. As Vega landed the shuttle, Kaidan went to help Liara. They'd all felt the impact of the collision and subsequent explosion.

Suddenly, Shepard heard a noise in the Cerebus wreckage as the door flew off and the body of Dr Eva stepped out of the wreckage. Kaidan immediately drew his weapon as moved towards her, not hesitating as he let off a serious of rounds at her. She charged at him, her now-mechanical body in flames.

By the time Shepard had made it around the shuttle and trained her gun on the mech, Kaidan was disarmed with two quick hits. A second later, he was being lifted off the ground by the face of his helmet. "Kaidan!" Shepard called out, fear for Kaidan turning to rage as she set the mech in her sights. "Let him go!"

The mech turned her head and touched her comm, asking for orders from the Illusive Man. Shepard knew in that moment what the Illusive Man's answer was going to be.

Time slowed as the mech moved, her superior speed taking over as she turned around and slammed Kaidan hard up against the side of the wreckage. She pounded his head back into the metal of the Cerberus shuttle again and again until she dropped him like a ragdoll and turned to Shepard. Rage blinded her as Shepard wasted no time charging at the mech as it charged at her. Shepard emptied the whole of her clip into its body, the last shot piercing through its chest as it finally collapsed to the ground dead.  
  
Shepard spared a glance to make sure it was completely gone before her gaze trained on the unmoving body of Kaidan. Her rage changed to terror as her heart clench tight in her chest and her world's edges began to darken.  
  
_No…_  
  
_No!_  
  
She dropped her gun and raced over to him, yelling back for someone to grab the mech to bring with them. She held back her tears as she slid to kneel beside Kaidan. His eyes stared blankly ahead, his pupils wide and dilated, as he laid there unmoving. For a moment, Shepard feared he was dead. Her world crashed around her at the thought but she forced it aside, swallowing down her fear. He couldn't be dead.

Joker piped in over the comm, "Shepard, we got Reapers signatures in orbit!"

Not wasting another minute, she picked up Kaidan, hoisting his body with a slight grunt as she brought him up until he rested over the back of her shoulders. Dead or alive, there was no way in Hell she would ever leave him there. As the Normandy descended to pick them up, she glanced to see Lieutenant Vega with the mech over his shoulder.

Within minutes, everyone was boarded as the cargo bay doors shut. Shepard rushed Kaidan to the infirmary. She wished Chakwas was on board. She would've know what to do. She didn't know where the doctor was but they were running on barely a skeleton crew. Laying Kaidan down on one of the beds, her heart clenched as he remained unmoving. She couldn't stop staring at he laid there unmoving. At least his eyes were finally closed.

She felt for a pulse as her world darkened more around her. Finally she felt the faint beat of his heart, her own heart crying out in relief then agony then anger and despair. He was alive but barely.

She couldn't lose him. Not like this. Not just when he'd come back in to her life. It didn't matter any more that he'd turned his back on her on Horizon. She didn't care anymore that he couldn't stand to look at her without thinking of his hatred of Cerberus. None of it mattered. He was around. He was in her life again. As long as he was, there would always be hope.  
  
Kiara hadn't realized just how deeply the void at not having Kaidan in her life everyday had left her with but as she stared down at his face, deep bruises already forming under his skin, she realized it. She saw how dark and empty her world would be without Kaidan in it and she couldn't breathe.  
  
He couldn't die…  
  
Liara's voice broke through her thoughts. He needed medical attention, she had said, reminding her they had to leave the Sol System.

"I know."  
  
"The Citadel is our best chance. We can find help there," Liara said firmly, though there was worry and compassion in her tone.

With a hollow, empty voice that hardly sounded like her own, Shepard comm'd the bridge and told Joker to get them to the Citadel.

Leaning back down over Kaidan, Kiara brushed her hand lightly over the side of his face, "Hold on, Kaidan," she murmured as she fought to reign herself in. She needed to focus. They needed to get to the Citadel. There was no time for her to fall apart. Not when he needed her most. She stood upright and glanced over to the dead mech on the table across from him. Anger rose up in her once again at the sight of it, "See what you can learn from that thing."  
  
She turned back to Kaidan, she silently cursed at how helpless she was. Liara was tending to him but there was nothing else she could do. Just watch and pray he made it till they reached the Citadel. She almost growled when EDI informed her she had a message from Admiral Hackett but she knew, especially now, she couldn't shirk her duties. There was a hell of a lot more going on out there and more would end up like Kaidan or worse if they didn't do something.

"Patch me through," she said as she jogged from the med bay to the comm room. With each step she buried Kiara as Commander Shepard took over once more.


	5. Fight, That's An Order

As soon as the transmission with Admiral Hackett ended, Shepard felt a weariness settle over her as she leaned on the console, her head bowed. Kaidan was fighting for his life, Earth was being destroyed by the Reapers...how the hell had everything gone so sideways?

"Commander?" Liana called to her. When she didn't reply, she continued and went into an update about the mech in the med bay that EDI was extracting the data. They'd have it by the time they reached the Citadel.  
  
"And Kaidan?" Shepard asked, not wanting to know if the news was bad but needing to know regardless. She closed her eyes as she braced herself.   
  
"I've done what I can for him but we need to get him to a medical facility. Soon."   
  
Turning around, Shepard started to walk out of the comm room as she heard Liara's voice, "The Admiral's right, isn't he? Its going to get worse isn't it?"

"Unless we stop the Reapers, yeah."

"I've looked at the data," Liara said as she followed her down the steps and into the war room, "This weapon could be the answer, if we can build it. I get the sense you don't quite believe it though…"

Shepard sighed as she leaned against the display platform of the central display, "I'm a soldier. I should be back on Earth fighting not wasting my time with this."

"If its going to work, we need you," Liara pushed as if reading Shepard's mind.

Shepard sighed and looked away, bringing her hand up to rub her jaw and the ache that was settling in there from the impact of the explosion. Her mind tore through everything that had happened since that morning, replaying as it always did. Every choice, every move, every decision she reevaluated. Every detail was remembered. She felt more trapped and helpless than she had in the six months she'd been detained.

"Commander…"

Liara's voice pulled her from her thoughts as she glanced over to her.

"Isn't it worth trying, at least?" her old friend asked, looking at her in the way that suggested if anyone could do it, Shepard could. For the first time, she hated that look. For the first time she didn't relish the challenge ahead of them but dreaded it. If she didn't do it, then who would?

"I'm gonna check on Kaidan," Shepard said and turned away, heading back to the infirmary. The only other person who would was laying unconscious in the med bay fighting for his life.

* * *

As soon as they reached the Citadel, a medical team took Kaidan. It took everything she had in her not to follow after him but the Council had to be seen. Though Kaidan was her world - which now was crumbling around her - the rest of the galaxy was at stake unless she could get the Council to join together against the threat.

Once more it rested on her shoulders. She was tired of it.

Thankfully, she didn't have to wait long though before she was greeted by Commander Bailey who informed her the Council was gathering. He told her there was likely enough time if she wanted to go to the hospital to check on Major Alenko. With a few words of thanks, she took the brief chance she had to head after Kaidan.

As soon as she arrived, she sought out information on him. When she was directed to Dr. Michel, she approached her. Shepard greeted her and made the appropriate small talk despite chomping at the bit to learn about Kaidan. Dr. Michel seemed to have noticed, "I assume you're here about Major Alenko?"

"How is Kaidan doing?" Shepard asked as she waited with bated breath. She dreaded finding out how bad the damage really was.

"The head trauma was severe, but we reduced the swelling quickly. These types of injury can go either way. He hasn't regained consciousness yet but his vitals are strong, so I am optimistic," the doctor informed her with her heavy French accent, as a trace of relief filled her chest, "You can go see him if you like. He's just down the hall."

Shepard gave a smile and a thankful nod, "Keep up the good work, doctor."   
  
As soon as she walked into his room and saw him lying there unconscious, out of his uniform and covered with a blanket to his waist as bruises and cuts covered his body, the impact of what happened truly hit her. She knew it had been her fault. If she had been more careful, more aware. Faster. Stronger…   
  
She took a step further into the room as she looked at him, "Kaidan," she said, her voice barely a whisper, "God…Its hard seeing you like this." She watched him for a moment, hoping he would wake up so she could look into the depths of his amber eyes once more, "I don't know if you can hear me but since you can't tell me to get the hell out either…" she half-heartedly smirked, "…I'm going to take my chances."

Her gaze searched his face as the sight of him surged pain and worry through her. "Don't die, Kaidan. You've got to fight. We need you in this. Seeing you in action again, it…." she paused. It had taken her breath away. He was magnificent on the battlefield and once again it had felt right to know he was there beside her as they fought. She swallowed as she remembered the way he fearless charged at the mech, his shots ringing out as he struck her with remarkable accuracy.

"…it reminded me you're a hell of a soldier. The Alliance could sure use you…" her voice hitched then and dropped slightly as she looked down, "I could use you."   
  
She turned, looking over her shoulder as a doctor walked in, "You need anything, Doctor, you let me know." Looking back to the man who'd stolen her heart so long ago, she reached out as if to will him better, "Come on, Kaidan. Fight." With one last long look, she turned and got out of the way of the doctors and nurses as they came in to tend to him.

When she was just outside his room, she looked back and whispered, "That's an order," as sorrow filled her heart. She hated leaving him but she there was work to be done.  
  
The Council needed to come together with them on this. Kaidan, she knew, wouldn't let anything get in the way of jeopardizing the mission if their roles were reversed. She couldn't either…for him. With a brief glance back to him through the windows, she left the Hospital and made her way to Udina's office.

Failure was not an option.


	6. Onto The Next

The meeting with the Council had put Shepard on edge. She understood perfectly why the Council was unable to offer aid but it didn't soften the blow of hearing it. At least the Turian councilor had offered her a chance to possibly circumvent the Council and appeal directly to the leadership of their homeworlds - or, at the very least, to the Turian's leadership.

The last thing she wanted to do was run off to rescue some Primarch for the turians when Earth was being decimated but they needed the help. It was her duty to do whatever she had to do to gain the support of the other races. She needed to play the long game, despite her desire to want to rush back to Earth.

Shepard also hated leaving Kaidan on the Citadel while she ran off on a mission but there was nothing she could do for him if she stayed. The doctors were doing everything they could and he would either recover or he wouldn't. She knew what Kaidan would want her to do if he were able to tell her. He'd want her to do what she did best, to be out there bringing the fight to the Reapers, urging the Council forward with their support and doing whatever needed to be done to save Earth.  
  
It took every ounce of hope inside her to tell herself that Kaidan would pull through it all. Remembering Thane's gods he'd told her so much about, she'd even smirked and found herself giving prayer to Arashu, the drell Goddess of Motherhood and Protection, to watch over Kaidan. She'd never been a particularly religious or spiritual woman but she would do anything to give Kaidan the upper hand.

Dr. Michel had been hopeful on his recovery though. He was strong and a fighter. Shepard clung to that hope desperately. She didn't care that there was no future for them anymore, a fact that had been made clear on Mars. It didn't change how she felt. Kaidan was the only person she'd ever loved, or ever would, and nothing could change that. No matter how much she had tried to move on from him, she couldn't. There was no moving on from him for her. Seeing him near death had shown her the futility of even trying to.

She wondered if the agony she felt when she thought he'd died was close to what he felt when he'd thought she'd died. It helped her understand a bit more what he went through. To go through it then find out that the person you loved hadn't died but instead had signed with a terrorist organization…the enemy? No, she couldn't fault Kaidan. It'd been a rollercoaster for her over the last year. Only then did she realize how bad it must've been for him. His rejection had hurt but for the first time since Horizon, she put herself in his shoes and wondered if she would have made the same choices.

She didn't like the answer she gave herself.

As the Normandy propelled itself through space on the way to Palaven, Shepard made a point to check out the new additions to the ship as well as meet the new crew members. They'd picked up a few more on the Citadel to give the Normandy a fuller compliment, including Dr. Chakwas who had been working in a Research and Development lab on the Citadel when Earth had been attacked.

It was good to see the faces of her old friends around her but she also found a sense of peace with once again being surrounded by Alliance crewmembers. She'd never stopped being an Alliance soldier in her heart and once more the Normandy and her were serving in it. It felt right.

Shepard was just leaving Engineering, having finished up her rounds meeting everyone and learning the new systems, when she heard a rustling sound coming from below. With a furrowed brow, she climbed down the stairs and looked around. It was being used for storage but the memories of Jack staying down reawakened. Jack. She missed her. Throughout their preparing for the Collector mission, the woman had become like a sister to Shepard. She wondered where she was and if she was alright. She wondered where all her old crew was.

A clatter to her left drew her attention as she saw one of tarps draped over some crates shift. Reaching down, she grabbed her pistol and drew it up. There were no taking any chances. Slowly she moved closer to the tarp and reached out with her free hand. Taking a silent breath, she quickly grabbed the material and tossed it to the side.

Suddenly, a huge mass of a creature bounded out from behind the crates and lunged at her. Before she had time to react, it knocked her over and pinned her to the ground, sending her pistol flying from her hand across the floor. Her biotic energy began to gather on her fist as she prepared to smash it into the creature when her gaze focused and she stilled.

Looking down at her was the grinning, if you could call it that, face of Urz as its body waggled and looked entirely too excited to see her. "Urz?" she asked, the energy in her hand dissipating as she looked up at the huge varren who'd taken quite the shining to her and she to him. As if he understood her, he licked her face and gave a gruff huff as he jumped off her and started jumping in excited circles.

Shepard laughed as she sat up and watched him, "What is the world are you still doing here? How did they not find you?" she asked, though she knew there wouldn't be a response. When he came to sit next to her, she reached up and wrapped her arms around him and hugged him tight. She'd missed the mutt and by the way he leaned into her, he had missed her too.

Releasing him, she stood up and retrieved her pistol before brushing herself off. She looked back at the varren and smiled, "Well, come on!" she encouraged him as she made her way out of Engineering and up to her cabin. Sure enough as soon as the door was open the big oaf rushed passed her and bee-lined straight for the bed. She laughed and shook her head as he turned a few circles then flopped down in his place on top of the blanket.

"Never change, Urz…" she said with a shake of her head as she left him to get comfortable while she went to jump in the shower.


	7. Who Needs Sleep

Shepard rubbed her temples as she sat on the edge of her bed, Urz sitting at her feet looking up at her worriedly. Yet another nightmare. She missed the year reprieve she'd had from them. First they had been nightmares replaying the visions she had gotten from the Prothean beacons. When she'd woken up after the Normandy had been destroyed, the nightmares had stopped.

They were back now but this time though they were different. No longer was it images flashing in her head from the beacons. This time it was the little boy from Earth who haunted her dreams. Dark woods, the sounds of his crying echoing in the darkness. He kept running away from her then when she finally caught him, he became consumed with flames. Most nights it was the same dream, or a variant of it. It was exhausting but no matter what she did, she couldn't shake the image of the little boy from her head. How had she lived and he hadn't?

It wasn't just his death that weighed on her. It was the fact that everywhere she looked, there was death. First Earth, then Mars and then Palaven. It looked as bad as Earth, burning in the wake of the Reapers destruction. She knew it was only the beginning and she dreaded the thought of how much more death was to come. She prayed this peace summit would go as planned but she doubted it. The Primarch wanted the Krogan and she already knew the Asari had pulled out from the summit because of it. The fact the Salarian Dalatrass was still going to attend surprised her. She hated playing all these politics but they were a necessary evil.

With a sigh, she patted Urz's head and stood up, moving over to her desk. If she couldn't sleep, she figured she could get some work done. Turning on the console, she began to read through her messages, of which there were many. Reports, orders, mission briefings, people wanting to see her…every time she opened the damn thing it felt like she was being pulled in ten different directions all at once. She opened the next email in the list and immediately a smile formed on her lips as she saw who it was from.

 

> _Subject: Is this address correct?  
>  From: Nuara, Tannor_
> 
> _To: Cdr. Kiara Shepard, SSV Normandy SR-2_
> 
> _Shepard,_
> 
> _I've called and I've sent messages, but gotten no response. With Earth's comm system out, I don't expect this will get through, either, but I heard a rumor the Normandy docked here at the Citadel._
> 
> _Are you alive? I'm at Huerta Memorial Hospital under the name Tannor Nuara. Please excuse the moniker and this email's encryption - in my line of work, it is unwise to advertise my location, particularly when I am not in good health._
> 
> _We should meet before circumstances force us apart again._
> 
> _Thane_

Shepard's lips remained formed in a smile as her thoughts turned to Thane and knowing he was still alive. Her smile dimmed though as she recalled the complexities of their relationship that had developed there while dealing with the Collectors. She hadn't been able to bring herself to fully let go of Kaidan. Between knowing Thane was dying and her pain over loosing Kaidan, she hadn't been ready to move on with him despite his feelings for her.

Despite the circumstance, they had slept together. It was complicated then and even more at that moment with the state Kaidan was in and the fact he was back in her life. Though she still doubted there was a chance there for a future with him, a small part of her heart held out hope. She knew Thane understood the parameters of what had happened between them and both had accepted that they had found peace briefly in each other's arms for what it was. A part of Shepard regretted it but, at the same time she didn't. She'd been expecting death and they had both needed comfort - comfort from the memories, the loss, and the fear of what the hours following would bring.

Still, it would good to see him, she thought. Though he felt more than friendship for her, she still considered him a very close friend. She wanted to see him and knew he wanted to see her too. Perhaps, if his health was able, he'd could even be willing to join up with them again. She knew she could use all the people she could get to help her with what she had to do and she trusted Thane. He was on the Citadel in the hospital. It'd be easy enough to stop by to see him since they were already on their way back. The summit was still a few days off and other business was pulling the Normandy back in the meantime.

Suddenly, a tightness in her chest sidelined her as she thought of the hospital and Kaidan who was also there. She'd get the chance to see him, or at least she hoped she would. Was he alive? He had to be. She'd have heard otherwise if he wasn't. Or would've she?  
  
With a sigh, she continued moving through her messages. She was almost through them all when her heart skipped a beat at the sight of a message from Kaidan. Her fingers flew as she couldn't open seem to open it or read it fast enough, her eyes scanning over the email.

 

> _Subject: Doc says I'm ready for visitors_  
>  _From: Maj. Alenko_
> 
> _To: Cdr. Shepard_
> 
> _Hey Shepard,_
> 
> _Through some combination of a medical miracle and dumb luck, I survived the beating I took on Mars. The doctors say I'm still not ready to be released, but I'd really like to see you if you can spare the time._
> 
> _Councilor Udina offered to make me a Spectre. Still thinking about whether or not I should accept. Stop by my room at the hospital when you're on the Citadel. I'd like your advice._
> 
> _Thanks,_  
>  _Kaidan_

Not only was he alive but he was on the mend and obviously well enough to correspond. Her heart swelled at the thought he was going to be okay. She wanted to know more about his condition, of course, but she was content knowing he was healing. A tension released from her chest she hadn't realized had been there. She didn't even try to deny the emotions that rose up at the thought of him.

He was alive.

Nothing else mattered in that moment.

Not only that but he was being considered as a Spectre. If anyone had the makings of one, it was Kaidan. He was the best choice there was.

She was glad they were heading back to the Citadel already. She knew exactly where her first stop would be.


	8. Hope

As soon as they docked at the Citadel, Shepard wasted no time heading to the hospital. She knew she had people she needed to meet, support to garner for the fight, but she didn't care. Kaidan was alive, awake and wanting to see her. She needed to see him, to see for herself that he was alright.   
  
She felt cool glass press against her back as she walked. Tucked in her uniform, hidden under her jacket, was a special reserve bottle of Peruvian Whiskey from her personal stock. It was one of Kaidan's favorites and it held it's own meaning for the both of them. She knew it would be one of those special gifts, the kind you could only get for someone if you knew them well. She hoped he'd like it.  
  
She made her way deeper into the hospital and to Kaidan's room. Opening the door, she heard Udina before she saw him, "I'd like an answer, Major. The galaxy has need of exceptional soldiers like you - now, more than ever."   
  
"You'll have it soon, Councilor. I promise," Kaidan said, his voice strong, though still a bit coarse.   
  
"I'll look forward to it," the Councilor replied as he turned around and departed just as she entered. He looked at her, and even through the well masked exterior of a diplomat, she could see the distaste in his eyes for her. They'd never seen eye to eye. He dealt with her because he had to. To him, she was a necessary evil and the feeling was quite mutual. "Shepard," he acknowledged as he walked out.

She watched him as he went, returning the acknowledgement, "Udina," before turning back and looking to Kaidan, giving him a small smile, "Hey."

Kaidan's gaze locked on Shepard as she walked in and any thoughts he'd be thinking had stalled just at the sight of her. Her hair was still bound back in a bun but it was softer than it used to be, small tendrils of errant hairs framing the edges of her face. She wore one of the variant styles of the Alliance uniforms that hugged her form, showing off her toned and athletic figure. She looked hale and healthy.

When he'd woken up in the hospital, he'd been met with the reports of what happened on Mars. She'd been the one to get him out of there and rush him to the Citadel as fast as possible. He was grateful for it and it was one of many things he'd had ample time to think about in the days he was confined to the bed recovering.

Over those days he spent most of them reevaluating everything he had thought he knew since he found out she was alive. Her words from Mars had sunk in. Between her words, seeing her on Mars, and the way she had fought the Cerberus forces, he began to try to make sense of everything. He'd heard the conversation she'd had with the Illusive Man and the distain they held for each other. She'd fought against the leader of Cerberus, and his wishes, even when she'd been working with them. He hadn't known that.

Though he still knew he had a lot he had to work through to accept what happened, the very fact she had worked with them at all included, he was realizing she hadn't been what he'd thought she'd turned into. She moved and fought like the Shepard he'd known. Whenever she'd spoke, there was no mistaking the strength and passion that was uniquely hers - even when berating him for how he'd treated her.

He'd been wrong and he recalled when the mech had attacked him, the last thought he'd had was one of regret at not being able to tell her that. Even though he had a lot he wanted to talk to her about, Udina's offer included, he knew he wasn't going to pass up the chance to tell her again. Life was too short and fragile to waste time not telling the important things to the people he cared for.

As much as he had fought it, and he certainly had fought it when everything had gone to hell, he still cared for her a great deal. He didn't know if they could ever get past what happened, or go back to what they had been, but he wanted to try. At the very least, he wanted to make sure the air was cleared at least and they were in good standing. He hadn't wanted to understand what happened, before, but he wanted to understand now.

Kaidan sat up, the movement causing him to flinch a bit, the pain changing his mind as he laid back in the bed. His shoulders still hurt from the fractures in them and he had a headache that never seemed to go away fully. "Shepard, hey. Y…you just missed snack time - actually, that's probably a good thing. Thanks for coming."

He gave her a smile, the same old Kaidan rising from the depths of it, as if he was genuinely glad to see her. Kiara had missed seeing his smile. A lot had happened, though. A lot had changed…they'd changed. She was wary about whether he would ever be okay with her again, with her decision in working with Cerberus. He knew she was done explaining herself to him about it and though she hoped, with everything inside her, he understood, she was hesitant to hold out that hope. Kaidan Alenko was one of the most stubborn men she'd ever met. It was one of the reasons she'd fallen in love with him - one of the reasons she still loved him.  
  
"No problem," she said, moving to grab a chair, "What did Udina want?"   
  
"He's offered to make me a Spectre."   
  
She could hear the apprehension in his tone. "And? You're taking it, right?" she asked, pulling the chair up closer to his bed and taking a seat beside him.   
  
"Well it's a big honor…a huge responsibility. Just…need to be sure," he said, clearly weighted by the decision.   
  
Reaching back behind her, she pulled out the bottle of whiskey and handed it to him, "I got you this."   
  
"Wow. Thanks, Shepard," Kaidan said, pleasantly surprised by the gift. He took it, looking at the bottle, "That's really great." Peruvian whiskey. His favorite. It reminded him of the night after he'd returned from the Citadel, before the Normandy was destroyed. Things had been good between them then. There had been hope for the future. Looking from the bottle to her, a small thought wormed its way into his head: maybe it wasn't too late, maybe there still was hope for them.

"Just a little pick-me-up," Shepard said, smiling and sitting back in the chair a bit.   
  
"Maybe when I'm out, we can crack it open and celebrate," he said, returning her smile as he set the bottle against the railing of his bed. A calmness settled over her. It felt good, sitting there with him , talking like the old days. But it wasn't like old times. There still hung a lot of things unspoken and a lot of issues unresolved. It weighed the air and it wasn't helped by the way he looked at her, either.

No longer did she see disgust or betrayal in his gaze. Instead she saw him look at her as if everything he had thought before was changing. She wanted to hope but she couldn't dare to embrace it. Too much had happened and it was still to raw with him. She worried if she hoped too much, she'd be crushed again at his reject of her and she couldn't bear it a second time. She had to keep her barriers up and protect her heart because laying there in the bed was the one person in the world who could destroy her completely.  
  
"I'm so ready to get out of here, Shepard," he said as he adjusted in the bed, glancing out the window. He had to look away from her, even if it was just for a moment. Seeing her and getting to talk to her alone was intense and shook a number of his foundations all over again. There was no denying he still cared for her deeply. Every time he saw her, he felt it and it wracked him to the core.

Then there was the pain in her eyes and a fear, as if she was afraid of him or what he would say, though she tried to bury it behind her walls. He had seen them go up and he couldn't blame her for them, but they weren't as impenetrable as she thought. Not when it came to him. He'd always been able to see through her walls. He'd been too messed up seeing her alive on Horizon to have read her like he was then and he still cursed himself for it. He should've. Maybe then he would have seen her genuine intentions.

"You can't tell, but I'm tied to this bed by medical red tape," he continued, trying to get away from his thoughts. He laid his head back on the pillow and dared to look back to her, "I mean Doc…Doc says I'm good to go, but then she always finds 'just one more test' to run."

The blanket draped around his midsection slid down to rest at his hips and the top of his underwear as he adjusted and Shepard couldn't help but give an appreciative glance as she felt a warmth settle over her at the sight of his bare chest and torso. Even battered and bruised, Kaidan was still a fine man in remarkable physical shape. A soldier, through and through.   
  
"You doing okay?" she asked, dragging her gaze back to his, letting the worry she felt for his condition mask over the brief flicker of desire she'd let herself feel at the sight of him. She hoped he hadn't noticed and by the way he continued, she didn't think he had.  
  
"My implant got a little…rattled, so Doc wants me to keep the biotics offline for a bit. It's really no big deal."   
  
"Need me to break you out?" Shepard asked with a teasing grin.

Kaidan chuckled, the sound going straight to her heart. His laugh always knew right where to hit her. "I'll let you know."   
  
Silence settled around them as they looked at each other, neither one able to pull their gaze from the other. "I'm glad you asked me to come. It's good to see you're going to be okay," she said softly. It alarmed her how easy it still was for them to fall into a comfortable companionship around each other. Even after everything, they still seemed to just work.  
  
"Thanks," he said, his tone genuine. He felt it too.  
  
"You almost died on my watch," Kiara said as she looked down, admitting the heaviness she still felt over what happened, "It was horrible to see." She looked up then, leaning over and resting her forearms on the bed as she searched his gaze. She tried to hide the emotions behind her next words but she failed, the full impact of her meaning carrying with them, "And I care about what happens to you."   
  
"Me too," his voice dropped low as he moved his hand, bringing to rest it on top of hers. He saw the emotions course through her, saw the agony she felt at what happened on Mars and the relief that he was okay. It tugged at his heart, making him want to take her in his arms and reassure her - to let her know he was alright and that everything would be okay. Instead, he simply said, "That means a lot, Shepard." Those words would have to be enough. There was still a lot of unspoken things that needed to be figured out between them.

Shepard's heart skipped a beat at his touch, at the feel of his strong warmth wrapping around her hands as he looked at her. His voice was as warm as his touch, and when he removed his hand and took a breath, she immediately felt the loss of it. Yet the warmth didn't leave his gaze as he regarded her. "So, I just wanna make sure - after Mars, after Horizon. You and me, we're good?" Kaidan asked, putting words to one of the many unspoken weights in the air.

Had he accepted what happened? Did he finally understand? She kept her emotions, and hope, reserved for despite wanting to jump headfirst into his meaning. She couldn't afford to be wrong. She couldn't survive hoping and having it crushed again. Maybe he had just accepted he could work with her again and any hope of figuring out whatever it was they were was truly and completely gone. She made herself walk a careful line, trying to gauge him and his meaning.

Still, she made sure she spoke the truth as plainly as she could, "We've been through hell together, had each other's backs. That kind of bond is hard to break."  
  
He sat up a bit and turned towards her, his gaze unwavering from hers as he tried to hide the wince of pain. "No, not just that. You were my commander, sure, but you listened, too. And when I told you about how Rahna broke my heart, you didn't judge me. You knew I needed that," his voice dropped then, "We went through Ash's death together…"   
  
At the memory of Ash's death, Shepard felt the familiar weight of grief settle on her. Not only had her death been yet another life under her command that she'd lost but when she had died, Kaidan and Shepard had come together in their grief. She helped him get over the guilt and he helped her process through her death. That was when they had truly gotten close. "Yeah…we did," she said softly. It seemed like a lifetime ago. Technically, for her, it was.  
  
"So, what do you say? Are we good?" Kaidan asked again, his gaze boring deep into her. It was hard to question his meanings when she saw the measured hope in his gaze. She was scared to open her heart to her own hope and the possibilities it could bring.   
  
"We're good. It was great to have you back on the Normandy," she said, giving a small smile and letting the barriers surrounding her spark of hope release a little. Nobody ever fell in love without being a little bit brave. She guessed the same could be said for keeping that love alive.  
  
"Thanks. I'm really glad you came by. Talking like this, reminds me how much I like you," his voice still low and intimate in that tone he used when he wanted her to know his words were just for her. He gestured his head towards and then tilted it to the side thoughtfully, "We're good together."   
  
For a long moment she just stared into his amber depths trying to read him. "Feel like we've cleared the air?" she asked apprehensively.  
  
"Yeah. You know, I'm not sure that I've been wrong about Cerberus…but I've been wrong about you," his words suspended in the air as he admitted the thought he'd realized when he'd almost died. His words fueled her hope. Maybe, just maybe, there was a chance to work past Horizon and Cerberus and everything else that had happened.   
  
As he laid back in the bed, she saw a different wince of pain that was all to familiar, made worse by his injuries. It was the flicker of pain he always had registered when his head hurt, "You said your implant got rattled. Everything good?" she asked, worry knitting her brow. She knew his L2 implant gave him migraines already, and she could just imagine what having his head smashed into the side of a shuttle had done.   
  
"Uh, the medical gibberish was a bit more impressive but that's what I took away - rattled. Found a great doc at HQ that's fascinated by the L2 implant. I'm kind of her pet project," Kaidan said. "The headaches are as bad as ever," he continued, "but she's got me on a regimen of acupuncture, meds…and some nasty-tasting concoction. Won't tell me what it is. But my biotics are stronger than ever. Maybe some things get better with age."   
  
"Or maybe you have," Kiara said before she could stop herself.  
  
Kaidan smirked and her heart stopped as he looked at her in a way he hadn't looked at her in a long time. Flirtatious and deep, like he could see right into her soul and caress out all the darkness hidden inside. It evoked memories of their nights together, the way his lips and touch had caressed her as thoroughly as his voice did now. "Are you flirting with me, Commander?" he asked with a quirk of the corner of his mouth, but there was no denying the intensity of his gaze. "Wait, wait. Don't tell me," he said then, the edges of his flirtation becoming slightly guarded, "Let me live in the illusion."   
  
Kiara saw it in his gaze and felt it in his words. It was almost as if he expected her to reject him, to spurn him as he had spurned her back on Horizon. She took a breath and let it out in a soft sigh. There was no more hiding what needed to be said. "Are we going to be able to get past what happened on Horizon?" she asked, no longer afraid to bare the worry, or the hope, in her gaze. She knew she was risking complete destruction but she needed to know. He was worth the risk. They were worth the risk. He needed to know how much he still meant to her, and how much she was willing to fight for him and them if there was any hope for moving forward.

It was a change that that did not go unnoticed by Kaidan. She had dropped her walls as much as she could and the moment of truth had come. It was time to bare it all and see where they stood. He had wondered earlier if he'd needed more time to think about it but as soon as the conversation was brought up, he knew his answer. He knew it as surely as he knew anything and she needed to know how he truly felt.

"I'd like to, Shepard," Kaidan said as he sat back up and adjusted himself on the bed before laying back down, the flirtations gone and a serious tone settling over him. "As friends…as…more than friends," he continued, his focus never leaving her. "I mean, I don't know…I just like having you in my life."   
  
What had stayed a spark of hope, deeply buried and protected, flared to life at his confession. There was no rejection like she had feared. He wanted to try to figure it out and move past it all - to work at accepting what happened and her. She leaned forward, "So, how do we fix it?"   
  
He pulled his gaze from hers as he laid there, looking up at the ceiling. He took a deep breath, admitting words out loud he'd kept locked inside, "Maybe you should just know that I'm not seeing anyone…and that I still care."

Her heart lodged in her throat. There was no one else but her and he wanted to figure it out and find a way to try to make it work. "Kaidan…" she leaned forward again, resting her forearms once more on the side of his bed as she looked at him. She wanted to reach out and take his hand more than anything but she held back.   
  
"Hey, look…" he said, adjusting again and turning to look at her, "…there's a war on and…maybe you and me will never happen…but I needed you to know that. Cause that's how we'll get past Horizon." Shepard knew then Kaidan felt the same way she did with the same worries, dread, trepidations and concerns…and the same desires.   
  
For the longest time, they just stayed there, looking at each other in silence. There was hope. That was good enough for her. Kaidan was alive and…there was a chance for them, small and fleeting as it was, with the way the galaxy going.

It seemed like time had suspended and they were both content with it. The air was cleared and hope for the future had taken root. Neither knew that future held but it was good enough. Kaidan took the moment to just enjoy the fact she was there with him. He'd missed her, more than he'd let himself admit, and having her close again balmed the ache and emptiness his heart had felt for the past three years.

There was still some adjusting to her new look though, especially the stark contrast of her silvery-white irises that seemed to make her thick eyelashes seemed even thicker and heavier. She was still her, he knew that, but it must've show on his face because she tilted her head to the side and asked, "What's on your mind?"

He shook his head slightly with a soft smile, "Just getting used to seeing you look so different, is all. What changed them?"

She smirked, wondering when it was going to be brought up. She knew he was talking about her eyes. "When I woke up, after the Normandy had been destroyed and Cerberus had put me back together, they were like this. Maybe it was an effect of the process or, maybe it was the result of the trauma, but all the color had just left. That green I'd carried my whole life just bleached out, as it were."

Kaidan listened. It was the first time she'd spoken of what happened when she came back though, in retrospect, he realized he'd never given her the opportunity to say much about it before. She shook her head, "It was disconcerting to say the least when I caught my reflection in the mirror. Its still an adjustment. You look at yourself in a mirror your whole life then all of a sudden the image staring back doesn't look like you remembered it looking.

"Then again that can be said for a lot of things. Mostly I'm the same but a few things are different too. The cybernetics make it harder for me to get severely injured and I heal a little faster than I used to. Even my biotics are different. They feel…I don't know how to describe how the energy feels when I use it. Like every cell in my body responds when I call it up…" she said, never having admitted that to anyone - even Miranda.

"I'm not actually surprised. There's still a lot we don't know about dark energy and the effects it has with biotics. And if what I saw on Mars is any indication, your biotic abilities have gotten a lot stronger," Kaidan said, complimenting her.

"New implant, an L5n. Definitely an upgrade from the L3 I had. One of the perks of being brought back to life, I guess," she gave a small smile and laughed. Seeing her smile stilled Kaidan's heart and made everything in the galaxy seem right. He'd missed her smile and the lilt of her laugh.

Once more they fell silent, just looking at each other. No words were needed as they just sat there, enjoying being near each other again. It was the sound of a nurse coming in to check a monitor then leaving that pulled them out of the little world they'd slipped into as Shepard sat back and settled more into the chair, changing the topic, "Where's your family? Are they safe?" she asked.   
  
Kaidan's expression grew heavy, "My family…my parents live in Vancouver. But Dad's family owns an orchard in the BC interior. They were headed out there on a shuttle the day of the attack," he said, laying back once more onto the bed but not looking away from her. That had been another thing he'd been worried about.  
  
"Heard from them?"   
  
"No, not yet. But I hope….I'm hoping Dad's Alliance training has kept them safe. Must be killing them, not knowing where I am," he adjusted again then. The hospital bed was looking more and more uncomfortable the longer she watched him in it. She couldn't imagine being bed ridden for days and knowing him, he felt the same way she likely would. What she didn't know was the comfortable companionship that had settled between them as they sat there and spoke helped the discomfort and the angst at being bed ridden.

"So, give me the update…Major," Shepard said, wanting to change the subject. She emphasized his new rank and wanting to know the changes there.   
  
"Heh," he smirked, "Major, yeah."   
  
"Congrats. There's obviously been a lot going on."  
  
"Anderson asked me to take over a spec ops program. First Special Operations, Biotics Division. We're recruiting the most talented human biotics from around the galaxy," Kaidan said, the pride showing on his face. He wondered where his students were with the chaos going on out in the galaxy. They were a good group.  
  
"What's the focus?" she asked, leaning forward in interest.  
  
"Covert, high-risk missions. Turned it down at first. I mean, teaching?" he chuckled, "I prefer to get my hands dirty."   
  
She smirked, "Anderson can be pretty persuasive."   
  
"Yeah, bit of a hard-ass, but you can't argue with his kind of experience. Wouldn't take no," Kaidan shrugged, "Said it had to be me."   
  
"With your history, you're the perfect choice," she commented.   
  
"True," he admitted, "Human biotics are - we're different, freaks even. Most people in the galaxy still see us that way. But accepting it, embracing it, can be the difference between success and sitting at home in your PJs taking red sand." He remembered the way she had charged the Cerberus soldiers on Mars and the sheer awe he felt at her abilities, "But, I don't have to tell you that."  
  
Shepard couldn't argue there. "You've been injured. Sure you want right back into the thick of it?" she asked, though she already knew the answer. She knew him. Of course he did and there was nothing that would stop him from doing just that.  
  
His reply didn't fail to hit the mark, "Are you kidding?" Kaidan scoffed, "I want to kick the Reapers straight to hell. Cerberus, too. People near death say their lives flash before their eyes…well the future flashed for me - the anguish, the families, the children. It made me determined to live. I need to do something, Shepard - the save at least a few lives."   
  
Her mind flashed to the little boy back on Earth, the one who haunted her dreams and how he'd died. Kaidan saw the change in her and he leaned forward, reaching his arm out to rest his hand atop hers, "Hey, what is it?"

Shepard blinked and refocused on him as she shook her head, "Its nothing…" she started to say then sighed. It wasn't 'nothing'. "There was a boy back on Earth, couldn't have been more than six or seven. I watched him die as the Normandy escaped the attack. I'd found him earlier, crawling around in the ducts when Anderson and I were trying to get to the space port.

"I tried to get him to come with us but he wouldn't. Something distracted me and when I looked back, he was gone. It wasn't till we were getting ready to take off I saw him again loading into the evac shuttles. He looked up at me and the moment our eyes met…" she trailed off as she swallowed, her gaze distant as she recalled the moment in perfect clarity. "Somehow I'm still alive…and he's not."

Kaidan pulled himself up, ignoring the pain that coursed through his body as he turned on his side and reached over to take her hands in both of his as he leaned in. He could see the grief in her gaze and how much it haunted her. He wanted nothing more than to take away her pain and wash the memory from her mind.

"I'm so sorry, Shepard…" he said softly, his thumb grazing over the back of her hand as her eyes refocused on his. He wanted to say something, anything, to make it better but he couldn't. What could he? A child had died and they both knew he was one of many who'd lost their lives on Earth. There was nothing to say.

Shepard let the silence settle around them as she let herself find solace in the feel of his touch and closeness of him to her. She was grateful for him. He always knew what to say when she needed him, and sometimes even when not to say anything at all. She let herself get lost in his eyes, finding the comfort in their depths. The familiar pull she'd always felt with him tugged once more as her gaze briefly dropped to his lips. Slowly they started to lean into each other, the air growing thick with anticipation.

The nurse returned again, stepping up to a monitor as her fingers moved over the keypad. The moment shattered as they both realized what had almost happened and drew back from one another.   
  
"I should let you get back to the Normandy. Wish I could come with you…" Kaidan said as she nodded and gave a small smile.   
  
"Take care of yourself, Kaidan. We need you at a hundred percent," she said, though Shepard knew by the way he looked at her, he'd read past her words to the meaning behind them. He saw what she really meant.  
  
"Will do," he smiled, "Thanks for coming."   
  
With a smile of her own, she turned and left the hospital with a breath. It was like a weight, heavier than she had realized, had been lifted off her shoulders…and her heart. There was hope. That was enough for her.

Squaring her shoulders, she looked around. There was one more person she needed to find while she was at the hospital, though at that moment she wanted nothing more than head back into the room and stay with Kaidan.

Seeing Thane was going to be hard, especially after what had just transpired between her and Kaidan, but she had a mission and a war to fight…and to fight it, she needed everyone she could get. With luck, Thane would rejoin her team.


	9. Seeing Thane Again

As soon as she left the wing of the hospital where Kaidan was, she spotted Thane by one of the windows in the main lobby. It made her smile the way he still kept himself in prime physical condition. She approached him and just stood there, watching for a moment.

He finally turned around and the look of surprise on his face was a happy one. "Siha," he said as he approached her, the term of endearment falling easily from his lips. They both had parted after their night together knowing where things stood. She still knew his feelings for her and he made no move to hide them. He felt what he felt and did not wish to dishonor her by trying to pretend otherwise. "I heard Earth was under attack. I didn't know you'd made it out."

The concern in his voice was touching and brought a smile to her face, "Thane. It's been too long. I was beginning to wonder if I'd ever see you again. Good to see you staying in shape."

"My disease kills slowly. With enough care and a healthy lifestyle, it can be delayed for a few years. Of course, my allotted time has come and gone. Now I exercise because it pleases me," he stated plainly, then added, "I sent a few messages while you were incarcerated, but I suspect they never got past the guards. What are you doing here?"

"Visiting a friend. Kaidan," she said, knowing he was one of the few who understood that, to her, Kaidan was far more than a friend. Especially now, she thought, after the visit she just had with him. She didn't need to say it though, they both knew what he meant to her, "He got hurt protecting me."

Thane saw the ache and grief on her face when she mentioned he'd been hurt. Though it pulled at his heart, he couldn't fault Shepard for her love of the man. He knew if he had the chance to see and fight for Irikah again, he would take it. He believed one could have many loves in life but there was no denying he also believed that Irikah had been his once-in-a-lifetime soulmate. Just as he suspected Kaidan was Shepard's.

"The human biotic in intensive care," Thane brought his hand up to cover the cough that psuhed through his body, "I saw the marks of an implant."

Shepard nodded solemnly, "Yeah."

"We have spoken," he said, surprising Shepard, "He was holding out hope that a woman would visit him…"

Shepard grew warm at that thought that Kaidan had been looking forward to seeing her enough that he expressed it to a stranger. Still, she didn't want to hurt Thane. "You know we were together for some time before I met you. I still want to work things out and it looks…" she glanced to the doors that led back to the wing where Kaidan was, "…like he might too."

"He means something to you, therefore he means something to me. He is an honorable sort. Your enemies may try to finish him off here. He has my protection as long as he is here," Thane said, allaying her fears of his hurt. She had known he understood before the Omega 4 relay but she was glad that understanding remained.

Shepard smiled and approached him, putting her hand on his arm, "I appreciate it, Thane." She didn't try to hide the gratitude from her gaze.

"I am near the end of my life. It is a good time to be generous. I have only a few loves left and you are my last. Let me do what I can for you." Thane's tone was honest and open and it warmed her heart at how compassionate he was. He turned and walked to a small sitting area and she joined him.

"I'm back on the Normandy on an important mission. Sure could use you," she said as she took a seat, smoothing out the pant legs of her uniform before looking at him. She doubted, seeing him in the hospital as he was, that he would but she had to try. The mission was too important and she knew, at least for herself, if she had a chance to go out fighting she'd rather do that than waste away in a hospital bed. She needed people she could trust and count on. Thane was one of the few she did.

He shook his head, "I would not be as I was before. I need daily medical attention. And if I know you, you will want to fight the Reapers somehow. You need the best at your side and I am not at mine."

She smirked, "You don't have to wrestle down krogan and break their necks. I'm sure we could find you lighter work."

"I am at peace with what I've done in my life, siha. There comes a time when one must rest from war and conflict," he held her gaze, "It is not your time, but it is mine."

That argument she could respect. She gave a simple nod as they continued their conversation for a short time, catching up on each other and what was going on. She wished she could stay longer but she only had a few hours left on the Citadel before they had to depart and there were important errands she needed to run.

She leaned over and pressed a tender kiss on his cheek before standing up and giving a warm smile, "I wish the best for you, Thane."

He rose and stepped forward, taking her hands in his as he looked down into her eyes, "And I for you. Do not grieve for me. I have good doctors. My son visits regularly. Perhaps we will keep up via the extranet now that you are free. Live well in the time you have, siha. Perhaps we will see each other again." He bowed his head to hers and she bowed hers to his then departed.


	10. Congratulations

Commander Shepard was quickly learning there were few things worse than politics and she was smack dab in the middle of playing politician. She hated it and she wasn't very good about biting her tongue when it came to the bullshit she encountered. Sure she knew how to be diplomatic, she always had been, but especially with the war, her patience definitely had its limits.

For all it was good to see Wrex, he had asked for a tall order: a cure to the genophage in exchange for the krogran's help with Palaven and the war. As annoying as the demands were, even Shepard agreed with him that is was a long time coming. The turian Primarch was, surprisingly, in agreement as well. He was a soldier before he was a politician, like her, and he saw the value of learning from past mistakes - as well as the cost if they didn't. The salarian Dalatrass, of course, was in an uproar over it.

In the end, Wrex put enough pressure on the Dalatrass with the knowledge that she was holding cured female krogan in one of their secret STG labs that Shepard was able to force her hand on the release of his women. Though she knew it would most likely cost her the salarian support, she knew the value of the krogans and what they could bring to the war. She also couldn't, in good conscience, let the genophage continue any longer if they didn't have to.

Before long, they were suited up and on their way to Surkesh. The mission, like most, hit a few road bumps with Cerberus but in the end, Shepard and her team saved the last surviving female krogan. They also managed to re-obtain Mordin on the crew as well. Shepard was glad he was back. He was an eccentric, and sometimes infuriating salarian, but he'd been a part of her crew, her family, that had helped her take down the Collectors. She'd missed him and his brilliance and she was glad he was there to help them fight the Reapers.

As Shepard leaned over her terminal in the CIC, she felt the crystal pressing into her thigh from her pocket. The female krogan, a shaman who'd renounced her name but had been dubbed 'Eve' by Mordin, had given her the gift as a 'thank you' for rescuing her. The krogan had found it during her initiation rite to become a shaman and Shepard could still remember the words she had said when she'd been gifted it.

_Take it as a reminder, Commander. In the darkest hour, there is always a way out._

Shepard didn't know why, but the gift meant a lot to her, as did the message it carried. Somehow, she knew she would need the reminder in the days to come. War was full of dark hours.

Her terminal pinged, notifying her of a new message. Opening it up, she scanned the few that were there she still hadn't read. When she found the latest, her lips curled into a smile.

> _Subject: Feeling much better_   
>  _From: Kaidan Alenko_
> 
> _To: Kiara Shepard_
> 
> _Hey Shepard,_
> 
> _Still in the hospital. But I'm up on my feet, eating solid food and making trouble for the nurses. They'll probably throw me out of here soon._
> 
> _Come by if you're on the Citadel. Same room._
> 
> _Thanks,_   
>  _Kaidan_

It was still hard to believe he was already healed to the point of almost being released. She realized, then, it had already been nearly three weeks since Mars. She let out a breath. Three weeks since Earth had been attacked by the Reapers and she'd almost lost Kaidan. It seemed like only yesterday. It was a heavy weight knowing that with each day, more people's lives were taken.

She rubbed her face and sighed. Mordin needed time to work on creating the cure to the genophage and she knew a stop back by the Citadel was on the docket. The list never ended of reports to file and people to help. There were advantages to having the best ship in the fleet but also draw backs. It meant there were some things only she and the Normandy could do. She also needed to meet with the turian Councilor and Primarch to give an update on what was going on regarding the negotiations for krogan support.

It didn't take long to get back to the Citadel and the first thing Shepard did after reporting in was head straight for Huerta Memorial. She made her way straight to Kaidan's room and stopped in the doorway when she saw him not only up and on his feet but dressed fully in his uniform. She admired the way he filled it out. The weeks in the hospital had done little to soften the masculine lines he carried.

In that moment, she realized how worried she had been as the weight lifted from her. No longer was he forced abed by his injuries. He still had the shadows of some bruising but by the way he held himself, he was strong and hale. She admired him silently for a moment as he stood near the window, arms crossed as he looked out over the Presidium.

She took the moment to simply appreciate him as she reflected over everything that had happened and how much it had changed. Not just since Saren and Sovereign but Mars as well. They'd been through a lot together and though there was still a lot more to get through, she was glad they now had the chance to work through it.

Kaidan stood there as he looked out, watching the fountains on the lake. He'd been so lost in his thoughts that he hadn't noticed the door open. It wasn't until he caught the reflection of Shepard in the window as she stepped up that he was drawn from the myriad of thoughts his brain had trapped him in. He smiled as she just stood there watching him before he turned around.

"Hey, Shepard. If you came to spring me, you're late. I'm getting out soon," he said, the smile not fading from his lips. He felt good, though still a bit sore at times. The general headaches were gone and while the docs still wanted him to keep his biotics offline for a few more weeks, he was confident in his recovery. It was hard to believe he'd been on his deathbed not three weeks prior. The marvels of modern medicine, he thought.

"Good to hear," Shepard said, a smile forming on her lips to mirror his.

"Maybe you already saw the vid, but I accepted Udina's offer," Kaidan informed her, not hiding the trepidation he still felt over it all. A Spectre. He couldn't believe he was being asked but he was honored nonetheless.

"Spectre Kaidan Alenko," Shepard said, her smile growing into a grin as she regarded him, "That's a big deal." She was happy for him. Of all the people she knew, human and non-human alike, there was none she thought more fitting for the position than him.

"Only the second human Spectre. It's humbling," Kaidan admitted with a light chuckle, "Udina thinks they might have a pretty big ceremony, even with the war. He says a celebration will give folks something hopeful to latch onto."

"You ready to take on that responsibility?" she asked, studying him closely. If anyone knew the trials of being a Spectre, it was her, but she also knew he'd been around for all of it in the beginning. He knew what it entailed better than most.

Kaidan grinned and gestured to her, "You set the bar pretty high, but I'll do my best." His smile dropped as he took on a serious tone, "It's strange - on Mars, I should have died. The promotion from Anderson, Spectre status…these are terrible days, but I've been lucky."

The way he looked at her when he spoke stilled her breath. Without saying the words, she knew he was throwing her into the statement of why he was lucky as well and it warmed her. They'd found each other again. It wasn't going to be an easy road, especially with the war, but at least they were in each other's lives again.

"You’re perfect for the job. Even back on Eden Prime, I could see there was something special about you. You're a good soldier," Shepard said with a firm nod. Though her words were formal, they held a meaning behind them that went past what she'd said aloud.

"That means a lot," he said, hearing the unspoken meaning behind her words. Things were still raw and fresh enough that the frank openness they'd once had with speaking to each other had gone. Though he hoped to one day get it back, he was content with the way things were. Though both left a lot unspoken, there was no shaking the connection they had or the ability to see what the other meant without needing to hear the words. "I'm happy. I want to serve."

Shepard took a breath as she braced herself for her next words. She'd thought long and hard about what she would do when he recovered but she knew she wanted nothing else that what she was about to offer, "I thought you might want to join the Normandy." She meant it in every way she could. She wanted him close, to give them a chance to try to work out what was between them, but more importantly, she needed him on the Normandy. She hadn't lied when she had said he was a good soldier. He was a great one and she needed the best when it came to fighting against the Reapers.

"Yeah…I've thought about that," Kaidan said with a nod. It had been one of primary things that had taken up his thoughts. He was glad she seemed to want him back on the Normandy as much as he wanted to be back. It wasn't the time to return yet, though. "I need to get out of here first, though - take care of some things," he said, hoping she would see the regret in his eyes.

A flicker of doubt crossed over Shepard's gaze and he quickly moved to clarify before she threw back up the walls she'd finally let down, "I've been trying to locate my old spec ops squads, my students, from Biotics Division." He wanted her to know that he still wanted to rejoin the Normandy but he had other things he needed to deal with before he could.

Shepard understood it, the initial pain of what she'd thought was his rejection fading. They'd been apart for three years and he'd developed responsibilities of his own he couldn't just walk away from. She couldn't fault him for that and it only made her respect him more than she already had. "Any luck?" she asked.

"No. Probably went underground, but they'll turn up," he said but she could see the worry and anxiety he held for them, "If they were easy to find, they wouldn't be doing their jobs."

"Well, good luck with that. Let me know when you're out. I worry…" she admitted softly.

He swallowed at the way she looked at him, her eyes holding his. The urge to step up to her and take her in his arms pulled hard at him but he fought it and remained where he stood. He didn't want her to go but by the dress uniform she had on, he suspected she had an important meeting she had to get to.

He also knew he needed more time to process through everything that had happened. For as much as he just wanted to bury the past and forget it all, three years had been a long time. A lot had happened that he wanted to make sure he put in his past before he moved forward with her fully. It was another reason he wanted to hold off rejoining the Normandy.

"Take care, Spectre Alenko," Shepard said with a soft smile, not wanting to leave either but knowing she needed to. The turian councilor was wanting a report on the status of getting krogan aid and if she stayed any longer, she doubt she could bring herself to leave.

"Stay safe, Commander," he said with a nod. A look exchanged between them and then she took a breath and turned, heading out towards the elevators. One thing was for sure. There was no power in the universe that was going to stop her from attending that ceremony.

 


	11. Spectre Kaidan Alenko

Shepard couldn't have been more proud, or humbled, as she watched Kaidan in the Council Chambers. Dressed in her dress blues, she stood in the crowd surrounding the top of the stairs as the small handful of Spectre candidates being inducted stood at the end of the dias facing the Council.

Kaidan looked marvelous, even still battered and bruised as he was, in his own dress blues as the Council recited the oath of the Spectres. There was no where else she'd rather be then supporting him in that moment. Kaidan had been there at her back when she had become a Spectre and she was glad she could be there to return the gesture. He deserved to become a Spectre and she was proud he'd gotten the chance.

When the ceremony was over, the crowd broke as the new Spectres mingled with those who'd gathered in support of them. Udina walked up to Kaidan, congratulating him and spewing some political crap. Kaidan was respectful and thanked the Councilor but his focus was elsewhere.

He'd been surprised when he'd turned around and saw Shepard standing there. He hadn't expected to see her. It moved him that'd she'd made a point, even with everything going on in the galaxy, to be there for him. Knowing her, she was likely on an important mission but still she took the time for him.

Bidding farewell to Udina, much to the Councilor's chagrin, he approached her, "Hey, Shepard." He gave a small smile to her. She looked radiant in her dress blues and hair bound back in its loose bun.

She returned his smile and offered her hand to shake, "Congratulations, Spectre Alenko."

He shook it, taking no offense at the formality shown. There was a time and place for some greetings and this was a formal event. Even an informal friendly hug would have been inappropriate here. "Thank you, Commander."

She released his hand, reluctant to let it go. She never wanted to let him go. "How does it feel being the second human Spectre in the galaxy?"

"Humbling. I'm glad you're here, Shepard. It means a lot that you came," he said, his eyes conveying the depths of his words. He still couldn't believe she'd taken the time from her mission for him.

"I wouldn't miss this for the world, Kaidan. If anyone deserves this, its you. I'm proud of you. I only wish Anderson were here to see this too. He wanted me to tell you 'Congratulations' and to remind you to 'keep them on their toes'," she said as she laughed, shaking her head.

Kaidan chuckled, enjoying seeing Shepard laugh. It was a beautiful sight and a melodious sound that was too rarely heard. "I'm beginning to think he knows us too well. Either that, or he thinks serving with you on the Normandy had rubbed off on me."

Both of their minds suddenly flashed to the night before Ilos and the humor died away, the air growing heavy with the memory. Perhaps that choice of words hadn't been the best. Swallowing hard, Shepard shifted a bit as she felt her cheeks warm, her gaze dropping down and away. Kaidan did much the same as his awareness of her close proximity pulled at him like magnet. Everything was beyond complicated but there was no denying he still felt a strong attraction to her.

"You've always been far more diplomatic than me. If anyone influenced anyone, it was you influencing me," she said as she looked back to him, trying to move the conversation along and away from the awkward moment.

Kaidan chuckled, "Yeah…I heard. Something about threatening an old krogan crime boss' masculinity on Omega to get him to do what you wanted. Sounds very…diplomatic," he teased.

Shepard laughed again and looked down, bringing a hand up to rub the back of her neck, "Ah, yeah…well…you know krogans. You have to be tough to get them to listen."

He never thought he'd see the day when he'd see Command Shepard shy. He enjoyed the sight as he laughed. He enjoyed being around her again, "I'm really glad you're hear, Shepard."

She held his gaze, her smile softening "Me too, Kaidan."

"Spectre Alenko, a moment…" Udina called to him, beckoning him over to a crowd of dignitaries. Kaidan put on a smile and waved to Udina. Only Shepard was close enough to hear the groan he gave under his breath.

"And here's where I bug out…" she said with a soft laugh, "Before Udina realizes he has both human Spectres and wants to make a show of us. You better head over there. Lots of politicking and schmoozing to do. I've got enough of that on the Normandy," she teased, "Good luck."

Kaidan chuckled, "I'm gonna need it…" he groaned again then looked to her, "See you around, Shepard."

"You too, Kaidan. Stay safe," she said with a smile. As he walked off, she hoped wherever he was headed to take care of what he needed to take care of that he stay safe. She couldn't bear the thought of losing him again.


	12. Dr. Sedanna V'Leera

> _Subject: Checking In_  
>  _From: CDR Kiara Shepard_
> 
> _Kaidan,_
> 
> _I was speaking with Anderson, debriefing on the situation back on Earth. Its bad there but they're making do. The Reapers are mostly sticking to the major cities so a lot of our forces are keeping to the rural zones. They're holding out._
> 
> _Something he said got me thinking though…about you and about us. He said, "End of the world has a way of reminding you what you forgot to do."_
> 
> _I don't know where you are or what your doing right now, Kaidan, but I don't want to forget us. I don't know what the future holds or if we're even going to make it out of this mess, but I do know I don't want to go headlong into whatever is waiting for with the Reapers while we forget to take stock of what's really important. I don't want to forget to live for what's really important._
> 
> _I know we've been through a lot and there no denying we've got a lot of work ahead of us but…for me, you are what is important. You always have been._
> 
> _I couldn't go into this next mission without you knowing that._
> 
> _Stay safe, Kaidan._
> 
> _Signed,_  
>  _Kiara Shepard_

Shepard finished typing the letter and looked over it. She hadn't heard from Kaidan since his Spectre ceremony. She figured he was off trying to track down his students but she still worried. Anderson's words had been haunting her for days. She didn't know what the future held for her and Kaidan but whatever it was, it was worth fighting for.

Hitting the send button, her inbox refreshed and she saw a new message from Dr. Chakwas. Opening it up, she scanned over it.

> _Subject: Medical Staff_  
>  _From: Maj. K. Chakwas_
> 
> _To: Cdr. K. Shepard_
> 
> _Commander,_
> 
> _With the amount of fire you and the ground teams are taking, I need to acquire staff to improve our medical treatment. Fortunately, there is no shortage of volunteers._
> 
> _I have compiled the dossiers of four likely candidates. You will find them in the crew manifest._
> 
> _Sincerely,_  
>  _Chakwas_

Shepard looked at the message, reaching for one of the data pads strewn on her desk. With a few taps of her finger, she brought up the dossiers forwarded to her. Karin rarely requested anything from Shepard so if she was needing staff, the Commander had every intention of moving heaven and earth to get it for her.

She browsed over the first dossier for a Dr. Andrea Cournand, noting her service record and attendance at the Pierre and Marie Curie University. With a specialty in xenobiology and trauma surgery, she could see why Karin was considering her for the position but they already had a Dr. Chakwas - they didn't need someone who was just a younger version. Shepard wanted to acquire someone that would vary the efficiency of the med bay if they were going to bring anyone on.

She stood up from her desk as she swiped through to the next dossier, walking down to the sitting area. She poured a glass of wine as she reviewed the next candidate: Dr. Asirn Noelas. He was a salarian who worked on both the Citadel and Sur'Kesh, specializing in neurosurgery and cybernetics. She took a sip of her wine. While certainly helpful, Shepard couldn't recall there being many of the crew who had cybernetics, aside from herself, and they rarely had the need for a neurosurgeon.

Her fingers swiped the screen, moving onto the next dossier as she took a drink of her wine: Dr. Camilla Pavina - a shrink. Reviewing her record, Shepard paused as she thought back to Yoeman Kelly Chambers. Having Kelly around had been a big help during the Collector mission for the crew. Shepard considered maybe having someone who was experienced in psychology and psychotherapy could be good. The whole crew was certainly under a lot of stress and pressure. She could see the benefit of having her around. Shepard made a mental note to consider her.

Urz huffed from laying beside the bed, stretching as he woke from his nap. Looking at Shepard sleepily, he padded over to her and flopped at her feet, his head resting on her foot. She smiled at the lazy mutt, reaching down to scratch him between the ears. "Good boy," she said softly as she felt him relax and go back to sleeping. Lifting her glass, she took a drink of her wine and swiped the data pad to go to the final dossier.

She stilled when she saw the name, a name she hadn't heard in years: Dr. Sedanna V'Leera. Shepard smiled as she looked at the picture that came up on the dossier of her old biotics instructor. A specialist in biotic neurology from the University of Mithymna on Thessia, Sedanna V'Leera had signed on to help the Alliance train their biotics after meeting her human partner. Shepard had been one of her first students.

Shepard smiled as she remembered her old instructor fondly. She was a kind woman when socializing but in practice she was fierce and determined. She always looked out for her students and made sure that they were learning how to use their biotics properly. Shepard knew the Normandy had a number of biotics, including herself, who could benefit from the wisdom that the Dr. brought, as well as the medical treatment when someone pushed themselves too far.

Clearly Dr. V'Leera wanted to return to active duty and serve specifically on the Normandy so Shepard approved her transfer in addition the transfer of Dr. Camilla Pavina, knowing that both of their expertise would be critical on their mission to rid the galaxy of the Reapers.

* * *

 

In the days that followed, Kiara waited anxiously for the arrival of Dr. V'Leera. When she finally arrived, Shepard was promptly at the airlock to greet her. "Welcome Aboard, Dr. V'Leera," the Commander said formally, giving a nod of respect in her direction.

Dr. V'Leera smiled to Shepard and bowed her head in response, "Thank you, Commander. I am excited to be here." She stepped up closer to the Commander, a warm smile registering on her features, "It's good to see you again."

"The feeling's mutual. How've you been?" Shepard asked as she gestured for the asari to follow her as they walked through the Normandy on their way to the elevators.

"I've been well. I was eager to join the fight when the Reapers started their invasion. When I saw Dr. Chakwas was looking to expand her medical staff here on the Normandy, I knew I had to take the chance. It's been too long, Commander," Dr. V'Leera stated with a smile, looking over to the Commander as they walked.

"Please, you don't have to stand on formalities with me. You earned the right a long time ago to call me by my given name. Use it," Shepard said with a warm smile.

"Very well, then…Kiara, and please, you may address me by my given name as well. We have too much history for it to be any other way," the doctor insisted.

"Its hard to break old habits but for you, I'll try…Sedanna," Shepard said then gestured for her to step into the elevator first before following and setting the console to take them to deck three.

"How have you been, other than busy? And I'm not talking about your exploits. There's enough out there about them. How have you been holding up? Have you heard from your parents?" Sedanna asked, concern touching her voice. She'd always been invested in Kiara when she was younger and it seemed that hadn't changed.

Shepard looked down at the mention of her parents, "I haven't heard anything about my mom and my dad passed away a few months ago when I was on Earth. He had a heart attack…died instantly." She tried to push away the memories that rose up. She was still trying processing and grieving.

"I'm sorry to hear about your father, Kiara. He was always a good man. And I'm sure your mother is fine. She's a strong, stubborn woman, just like her daughter. If I know Hannah, she'll be another reminder to the Reapers that you can't keep a Shepard woman down," Sedanna said, trying to give a reassuring smile.

The doors to the elevator opened as they walked out onto the crew deck, a grateful smirk leaving Shepard's lips. Gesturing across the hall to her left, she led Sedanna to the crews quarters. "Thank you. I hope so. Other than that, I've been alright. Its been a hard few years but I make do."

Dr. V'Leera stepped into the quarters and tossed her bag onto the bunk Shepard gestured as hers before looking back at the Commander. "And how are your biotics? With some of the things I've heard, I'm amazed your L3 has allowed you to use your biotics as you have. Its incredible and, admittedly, a little hard to believe."

"Actually, I'm running on a L5n now. It’s a long story but the short of it is I was killed when the original Normandy was destroyed. Cerberus rebuilt me, brought me back. In addition to a number of cybernetic additions, they fit me with a one of the, then new, L5n implants. I have to say, I never knew my biotics could be so strong, or so precise. Its incredible," Shepard admitted with a smile.

Sedanna blinked, "Wait…you were dead? How is that even possible? Do you mean you were just in a coma or…" her mind clearly trying to wrap around the news. It wasn't something that was, necessarily, public knowledge.

Shepard laughed softly, "I'll send you what files I have on Project Lazarus, my reconstruction. To my knowledge I was dead. I don't know how dead, exactly, but I was dead. Somehow, Cerberus brought me back and I'm good as new…better than new, in some ways, but still me."

Sedanna just shook her head and then gave a nod, "Alright. Wow. People just thought you were undercover or that your 'death' was just a coma…I would certainly love to see those files when you get the chance."

Shepard remembered back when she was in school and how much trouble she had learning her biotics. They'd always been powerful, running among the strongest in her class, but they had been chaotic and unpredictable. After a few severe injuries as a result, Shepard and her parents were lost on how to help her. Sedanna V'Leera had stepped up and took a special interest in Kiara and worked tirelessly with her to find ways to help her control her biotics and make them work how she wanted them to work.

Kiara owed a lot to the woman standing before her.

"I don't know if I ever got the chance to thank you properly for all the help you gave me back in school. I was so lost and struggling but you never gave up on me. You kept pushing through until we found a way for me to get a better grip on my biotics. I think I would have been in serious trouble with the new implant after I woke up if it wasn't for everything you taught me," Shepard said with genuine deference to the woman.

"You always had it in you, Kiara. I just helped you find the trigger to give you the confidence and self-control you needed to get a handle on your biotics. Because of that, from what I hear, you're nearly unstoppable," Sedanna said.

"Thank you, Sedanna." She gave a small nod, "I'll let you get settled. When you're ready, Dr. Chakwas is in the med bay to the right of the elevators near the mess. Also we have another asari on board, Dr. Liara T'Soni, if you'd like to meet her. She's located opposite the med bay and is our Chief Science Officer. Welcome aboard, Sedanna. I'm glad you're here. We should get together sometime soon and catch up. I want to hear all about what you've been up to."

"I'd like that. Thank you. Be well, Kiara," Dr. V'Leera said with a bow of her head then turned to her bag while Shepard stepped out of the crew quarters. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author Note: I want to thank the team who did the Expanded Galaxy Mod for their creation of the character Dr. Sedanna V’Leera and the information given in the dossiers for the other doctors featured in this chapter.


	13. The Price of Sacrifice

Shepard sat in the starboard observatory lounge looking out as the stars passed by. They were on their way back to the Citadel and though she knew she should be thinking about Councilor Udina and what he was up to, her mind couldn't shift from thinking about Tuchanka.

At what point was the cost too high?

At what point did what they sacrifice to the war begin to outweigh the good it does?

Thoughts barraged her soul like mortar fire. How many more had to be sacrificed to win this war? First Jenkins on Eden Prime, then Ashley on Virmire. Pressly with the Normandy. 304,942 innocent batarian colonists…Mordin on Tuchanka.

She thought about Mordin and though she understood why he did what he did, his death ate at her soul.

There was a memorial wall set up right when as a person departed the elevator on the crew deck that held the names of all the lost. Shepard didn't need to be standing at the wall to remember each and every name.

_Abishek Patki. Addison Chase. Alexei Dubyansky. Amina Waaberi. Ashley Williams._

_Carlton Tucks. Caroline Grenado. Charles Pressly. Germeen Barret. Harvey Gladstone._

_Hector Emerson. Helen Lowe. Jamin Bakari. Mandira Rahman. Marcus Grieco._

_Monica Negulesco. Mordin Solus. Orden LaFlamme. Raymond Tanaka. Richard Jenkins._

_Robert Felawa. Rosamund Draven. Silas Crosby. Talitha Draven._

Their names recited in her head as she stared out at the stars. Every one of their deaths was a weight on her heart, a point of pain on her soul. She was their commanding officer. It was her job to keep them alive, no matter what and for those twenty-four, she had failed them.

The mission came first though. The mission always came first. It had to, especially when the fate of the galaxy rested on her shoulders.

It was a fact she hated.

Why her? What made her so special? She still hadn't figured it out. The galaxy looked to her and it was everything she could do to just keep pushing on. It was only when she thought about the people she cared for that she remembered that she had to keep going for them.

Still, when did the price of sacrifice become too high? As she looked out at the dark void, she knew the answer.

To save the galaxy from the Reapers, no price was to high.

There was too much at stake to fail.

And that's what she was afraid of.


	14. The Other End of the Barrel

Kiara never would have thought she'd ever be where she was in that moment, staring down the barrel of the gun of the man she loved.

Her hold on her pistol didn’t waver, her aim steady and strong as she aimed right for Udina.

Kaidan and her eyes held fast to each other, gauging and reading the person opposite them. Time was frozen as both recalled how they'd gotten to that moment.

Cerberus had attacked the Citadel with an assassin at the head of the assault determined to wipe out the Council. Already the assassin had made an attempt on the salarian councilors life, but thanks to Thane, he'd been thwarted. It had cost Thane a severe wound but the attempt had failed none the less.

Shepard had pushed hard and fast to reach the other councilors before the assassin did. Bailey had tracked them to a landing pad and she knew if she couldn't get to them in time, everything would be over. Udina had betrayed them all by working with Cerberus, instigating the coup, and she knew the trap he was leading them into.

Fighting her way through the Presidium with Liara and Garrus at her back, Shepard had managed to catch up with the assassin in the elevators. Every chance she got to slow him down, she took. Outside the moment, nothing else mattered other than getting to the Council and saving them. She was a Spectre and it was her duty. Without the Council, their war against the Reapers would take a potentially fatal hit. She couldn't let that happen.

Finally she had stalled the assassin long enough to jump to the elevator that carried the Council. She hoped Kaidan was with them and when shots fired through the ceiling as soon as she landed, she knew he was there protecting them. Dodging the bullets, she waited until the elevator stopped before she dropped through the ceiling and rushed to stop Udina.

Then it all went to sideways in a way she never expected as Kaidan drew his gun and trained it on her. She knew how it looked but she also hoped Kaidan had put aside their issues enough to trust that she knew what she was doing.

For Kaidan, as soon as the attack had begun, he had rushed to collect the Council to keep them safe and get them evacuated. It was his duty as a Spectre to protect them and he had been determined to not fail them. It hadn't been easy getting to them and it had been even harder escorting them to the platform where the shuttle waited for them. Cerberus was everywhere and Kaidan hardly had time to think about how they'd managed to pull off such a large scale attack.

When the sound of someone landing on the roof of their elevator hit him, Kaidan responded with years of training as he fired on who he knew was Cerberus coming to kill the Council. He knew, and accepted in that moment, that he was willing to give his life to protect the Council.

What he hadn't expected was the person after them to be Kiara. They had just reached the platform to find the shuttle destroyed when she came hard on their heels with her gun drawn. Her face was set in the determined lines he knew all to well as she'd trained her gun on the Councilors. It was the look she had when she was on a mission and he knew nothing short of death would stand in her way from completing it.

In that moment his world had stopped, threatening to shatter him all over again as old doubts and fears rose to the surface. Cerberus was attacking and she just happened to be the one right on their heels, gun drawn with that look in her eyes? It was too much to be coincidence.

The only thing that gave him pause was the fact she had both Garrus and Liara with her. He had known Garrus had worked with her when she worked with Cerberus but it was knowing Liara hadn't joined up with her back then that gave him pause.

The Kiara he knew would have never done what it looked like she was doing…if she was, in fact, still the same Kiara he knew. "Shepard, what's going on?" Kaidan asked as time around them seemed to resume. He had to know why she was there.

"Shepard's blocking our escape! She's with Cerberus!" Udina accused behind him.

Shepard's aim on Udina never faltered. She was a Spectre and she had given an oath. She was prepared to shoot Udina if it meant saving the rest of the Council. Though her gun was trained on Udina, her gaze was on Kaidan, locked with his.

"Just, hang on - I got this. Everyone calm down," Kaidan called back to the Councilor, moving so he stood in Shepard's line of fine. If he could, he was going to try to contain the situation and figure out what was going on. "You heard him, Shepard. Weapons on the floor."

Shepard lowered her gun but kept herself ready at a moments notice to shoot if she had to. She couldn't bring herself to point her weapon at Kaidan. When she pointed her weapon at someone, she aimed to kill and that was not something she thought she could bring herself to do. Not him.

"I can explain this, Kaidan," Shepard said firmly as she held his gaze, trying to plead with her own for him to listen to her. She honestly didn't know how any of it was going to play out. There was chance, one she hoped for greatly, that he would listen to her but with everything that had happened between them, she didn't know if he would. Would he believe her or did he still not trust her?

"Come on, Shepard. Gun drawn on a Councilor…kinda looks bad," Kaidan said, unable to lower his weapon. It killed him but as much as he wanted to have faith in her, there was too much at stake for him to trust her blindly - too much to be able to risk the three lives that stood behind him if he was wrong. "Put away the weapon. You don't want this to get ugly," he said, silently begging for her to do the right thing.

"Stand down and I'll talk," Shepard replied, her grip adjusting on her pistol. Her fingers tingled in dreaded anticipation of being forced to take the shot she knew would end life as she knew it, even if she walked away unharmed.

"Talk, and maybe I'll stand down," Kaidan said stubbornly. She always had admired his stubbornness but in that moment she had wished he hadn't been. The situation was escalating and every moment they stood there, Cerberus was getting closer. They'd sealed the doors behind them but it was only a matter of time before they got through.

Garrus raised his own pistol and trained it on Kaidan. Kiara knew Garrus knew what was at stake but she would be damned if he was the one who took the shot. Raising her hand, she gestured for him to stand down as she took a step forward to speak, "We don't have time to negotiate. You've been fooled, all of you. Udina's behind this attack. The salarian councilor confirmed it."

Kaidan's mind mulled over her words as he tried to read her. There was no lie in her gaze but even looking at her, he wondered if he could fully trust in the transparency they'd always seemed to have with each other.

Suddenly Udina spoke up at his back, "Please. You have no proof. You never do." Kaidan watched Shepard and her reaction to Udina's statement.

She gestured behind her as she replied, though it was clear by her unwavering gaze on Kaidan she was talking to him and not Udina, "There are Cerberus soldiers in the elevator shaft behind us. If you open that door, they'll kill you all!"

Everything inside Kaidan warred. He couldn't see any deception in her. She believed with every ounce of her conviction in what she said. But he couldn't shake the fact that it just seemed too coincidental that both her and Cerberus were here. He didn't know what to trust or who.

The asari councilor stepped forward, "We've mistrusted Shepard before…and it did not help us."

"Shepard admitted to working with Cerberus! For all we know, she's still with them!" Udina retorted.

"He's got a point, Shepard," Kaidan said as he watched her carefully, but then he remembered Mars and how fiercely she had fought them, "But I watched Shepard fight Cerberus troops on Mars. Now explain that."

Udina scoffed, "We don't have time for this," he said as he walked to the nearest console, "We're dead if we stay out here. I'm overriding the lock."

Immediately Shepard raised her gun once more and retrained it on Udina as she stepped forward. She couldn't let him open those doors. Kaidan could see the conviction in her eyes that she was fully ready to pull the trigger on Udina.

Kaidan shifted as he moved once more in her line of sight. This time she didn't lower her pistol. Dread filled every inch of her body at where the whole situation was going. In that moment she knew there was a chance she'd have to choose whether to shoot Kaidan or let Udina open the doors. With what she knew was on the other side, she knew her answer and she hated it.

She prayed he wouldn't force her hand.

"Shepard, look at us. This can't end well. Just…put it down," Kaidan cautioned, his grip on his gun steady. The last thing he wanted to do was shoot her but he knew that look in her eyes.

"I may not deserve your trust after everything that has happened but, right now, you need to trust me. You know in your gut that I'm right! Listen to it," Shepard said as she pleaded with him, "Kaidan, you're always true to what you believe. I admire that about you. Listen to your gut."

Kaidan searched her gaze and for all he searched, he couldn't see any sign of deception in her. He knew she would go through him if she had to, but it was clear she believed everything she said. His gut told him trust her. He remembered Horizon and how he'd let himself be blind then to what she had tried to tell him and he'd paid the price.

She wasn't trying to intimidate him or trick him into standing down. She was leaving the decision entirely to him. Everything inside him told him to trust her and as he looked into her eyes. Even that niggle of mistrust from what happened with her and Cerberus melted away. At that moment his instincts told him she was right.

"I better not regret this," Kaidan said as he lowered his weapon and turned to face Udina.

Shepard let out a breath of relief as she lowered hers, "You won't."

"Councilor, step away from the console," Kaidan said as once more his gun raised but this time it pointed at Udina.

"To hell with this!" Udina cursed as he turned to the console and began the override process. Kaidan's finger moved to the trigger as he saw Shepard out of the corner of his eye once more train her gun on Udina, both ready to take the shot.

The asari councilor stepped up to Udina quickly, trying to stop him without bloodshed, but he pushed her back, drawing a pistol as he trained it on her.

"He's got a gun!" Kaidan called out as he took a step forward. For a moment Shepard didn't know if he was going to take the shot as her finger moved to the trigger. It was a breath away from pulling when the shot rang out from Kaidan's gun.

A moment later Udina crumpled over as red blossomed where he had been shot, blood soaking through the fabric of his clothing then seeping out into a pool on the floor.

Kaidan sighed as he stepped up and looked down at Udina's body, cursing himself at having to be forced to take the shot. He'd just killed one of the last human leaders in Citadel space.

He knew in his gut though that he'd made the right call. Udina had always been power hungry. He'd seen as much back when they were fighting Saren and Sovereign. Becoming Councilor only made him more so. It wasn't a far leap to figure him capable of this.

He let out a breath, still reeling from the fact of how close him and Shepard had come to one of them killing the other. Since she'd come back into his life, she'd been nothing but an open book to him and he'd thrown it all back in her face. He hadn't trusted her and looking back, aside from her association from Cerberus, he knew she'd never given him reason to doubt her.

Yet he had doubted her, blinded by his hatred of Cerberus. It had cost him another year without her in his life because he'd been too stubborn, in too much in pain, to see the truth. Having to have an armed standoff with her had thrown into sharp perspective just how wrong he'd been and the price he could have paid for not only not trusting her, but not trusting himself.

In that moment, he realized that was the core of it all. It wasn't that he didn't trust her. He hadn't trusted himself. Ever since he'd had to leave her on the Normandy the day it went down, he hadn't trust himself. He'd beat himself up for not having stayed with her, convincing himself he could have saved her, but he'd trusted his gut and it had betrayed him the moment she died.

Then when he saw her on Horizon, his gut had told him to believe her that she wasn't working with Cerberus but using them to stop the Collectors. But how could he trust in what his instincts were telling him to do when already they had led him astray? He couldn't and it was only then he realized it had been that mistrust in himself that had been at the core of mistrusting her.

It was a stark realization and it cut him to the core.

"Kaidan?" Shepard's voice cut through his thoughts, concern heavy in her voice yet soft and caring. She was always concerned for him, always looking out for him. Even when he had been too blind to see it, he knew then she'd always had his back.

Kaidan let out a breath, "Yeah, I'm good," he said over his shoulder.

Shepard knew it when she heard the words he was lying. She was about to step forward and pry more into it when the sound of a torch cutting through the doors drew her attention back to the elevator shaft.

In an instant, both of them defaulted to their training, shifting seamlessly from concern and turmoil to well trained marines with a mission. Immediately, both of their guns were redrawn as they approached the elevator shaft. Shepard took point with Garrus and Liara as Kaidan rallied back the asari and turian councilors behind him.

Shepard could feel the anticipation of the battle thrumming through her. She'd seen what the assassin could do and she'd seen the squad of nemesis he'd taken with him in the elevator. She knew it would be a difficult fight but after what had almost happened, she had ample tension to burn off. She'd almost lost Kaidan and it was Cerberus' fault.

They already had a lot to pay for and she would make sure they paid in full.

Blue energy began to swirl around her as she built it up, letting it flow through her veins and infuse into each and every cell. She was ready for them, her aim steady and her intent true. She would kill the assassin and she would make sure they all made it out alive.

Shepard coiled up, ready to charge into the attackers. The doors opened and she was about to launch herself into them when instead of Cerberus, her eyes met with those of Commander Bailey and another C-Sec agent.

Immediately she dispersed the energy around her as she lowered her gun, "Bailey?"

"Made it as fast as we could, Shepard. Looks like you, uh…" Bailey spared a glance to the body of Udina, "…took care of things."

"Something's not right," the asari councilor said warily as she stepped up, "You said Cerberus was targeting us - where did their soldiers go?"

"Cerberus was right here, but they beat into the keeper tunnels when they figured out we were coming," the C-Sec Commander informed the councilors, "Sorry, Councilor. I'll say it plain. Shepard just saved the lot of you." Shepard put away her pistol as she spared a glance to Kaidan.

She shouldn't have been surprised he was looking right at her, but she was. The look in his eyes stilled her. His amber gaze was heavy with regret and pain and she knew what had nearly happened still bothered him. She wanted to go to him, to talk to him and comfort him, but it wasn't the time or place. Cerberus was still running rampant through the Citadel.

"Then you have saved my life twice now, Shepard. I owe you a personal debt and one on behalf of Palaven," the turian councilor said as he stepped up to her, bowing his head in respect to her.

"You don't owe me anything, Councilor. Times like this, we all stand together," Shepard replied with a nod to the turian.

"Commander. Do you have any idea why the Illusive Man would do this?" the turian councilor asked. Kaidan kept his gaze on Shepard, curious for the answer as well. Of all of them there, she knew the leader of Cerberus the best. If anyone could guess his motives, it was her.

"No, I don't," she said tightly, anger lacing her words, "But I plan to find out."

Kaidan wondered, then, how he ever could have doubted her. He saw the resolve and determination that set into her and he knew she would hold true to her word. There was an anger that pulsed through her when it came to the Illusive Man and he knew one day she would be the end of him.

"All right, people. Principals are evacuated. We got a tunnel and a million more places to secure. Move it!" Bailey commanded as he ushered them all towards the shafts.

One by one they filed into the elevator. Kaidan moved to stand behind Shepard. As the doors closed, for a brief moment, Shepard smiled when she felt one of Kaidan's fingers reach out to take hold of one of hers. It was a small gesture but a powerful one.

 


	15. Loss

Once again, Shepard found herself asking the question that had haunted her since Tuchanka.

_At what point does the cost of sacrifice become to high?_

Shepard was tired of losing those close to her. She was tired being the one who had to make the hard calls and sit back while her friend's died. She was tired of trying to do everything and it never seeming enough.

She was just tired.

Never in her wildest dreams had Shepard imagined there would be a time she would be staring down the barrel of Kaidan's gun as it trained on her. For all the progress they had made, for a moment she wondered if any of it had made a difference. For a moment Shepard had wondered if Kaidan would fall back on his old fears or trust in the progress they had made together.

"I better not regret this," he had said, his words still echoing into her mind as he lowered his weapon on her and turned to train it on Udina.

"You won't," she had said.

She hadn't had the time to realize what that meant - what his trust and faith in her meant. All she'd known was that he did and that was good enough for her.

Riding the elevator to the docking bay from the hospital, she reflected on that moment. She grasped at it and tried not to lose it. She feared that if she stopped replaying what happened with the Council, even for a moment, she'd have to face losing Thane.

The wounds he had received at the hands of the assassin had ended up being fatal. He'd died saving the life of the salarian Councilor.

She knew the doctors had tried to save him but there was nothing they could do. Between the loss of blood and his condition, Shepard had barely made it to the hospital in time to say goodbye. Tears pricked her eyes as she recalled walking into the room and seeing him laying there on the bed. His son, Kolyat, had been there too.

She'd smiled a sad smile to him as she approached Thane, fighting to banish the sadness and give him the warmest smile she could. She tried to hide her pain but she still felt it. So close on the heels of Mordin's death, losing another friend was almost too much…and Thane hadn't just been a friend. He'd been more than that to her, though she felt guilt that he was never as much to her as she was to him.

Thane had turned his head and looked at her, "Siha," he'd said, his voice hoarse. Every word was a breath that was strained and difficult. Still, she let him speak. "I'm afraid I've picked a bad time to leave."

She'd leaned forward and smiled, though it was a sad smile, "You couldn't disappoint me, Thane. Not even now."

"Such pleasant things from your lips," he said, a coughing fit taking him over, "Excuse me. Breathing is…difficult." He looked at her again, "Siha…it will be soon. I need to know if the councilor survived."

Kolyat spoke up, "Yes, Father. Three are alive thanks to you and Shepard. Udina…he instigated it. He is dead," he informed him at his other side. It seemed to bring a measure of peace to Thane for which Shepard was thankful.

"That assassin should be embarrassed," Thane had said, trying for a smile, "A terminally ill drell managed to stop him from reaching his target."

"I'll pass the word along," she'd said softly, reaching up to rest her hand against his forehead tenderly.

"There is something I must do before it gets worse. I must…" another coughing fit took him as Kolyat bowed his head and cupped his hands. When it settled, Thane continued while he still could, " _Kalahira, mistress of inscrutable depths, I ask forgiveness. Kalahira, whose waves wear down stone and sand…_ "

His words became too hard to speak as another coughing fit took over. Each had been worse than the last and each tugged at Shepard's heart. Kolyat picked up where he left off, " _Kalahira, wash the sins from this one and set him on the distant short of the infinite spirit_."

"Kolyat…" Thane rasped, pride shining in his eyes, "you speak as the priests do. You have been spending time with them." He'd sounded honored at the fact. Shepard gave a weak smile. She was proud of Kolyat too. He'd turned his life around and she knew that made Thane happy. Kolyat only nodded and came around to stand beside Shepard.

"I brought a prayer book, Commander. Would you care to join me?" Kolyat asked softly. She gave a soft nod and stepped over to his side to read the book over his shoulder. She knew it was what Thane would want.

" _Kalahira, this one's heart is pure but beset by wickedness and contention…_ " he started and Shepard stepped up to continue.

" _…guide this one to where the traveler never tires, the lover never leaves, the hungry never starve. Guide this one, Kalahira, and she will be a companion to you as she was to me,_ " Shepard said, finishing the last of the prayer.

She looked over to Thane as she saw the last breath leave his lips. Grief welled up inside her as she slowly approached him, raising her fingers to lower his eyelids, closing his eyes. Silence held them for a long moment before she stepped back and looked to Kolyat. A confused look took hold of her features as tears filled her eyes.

"Kolyat? Why did the last verse say 'she'?" she asked softly.

"The prayer was not for him, Commander," Kolyat said, looking to her then his father, "He has already asked forgiveness for the lives he has taken." Shepard looked back at Thane, "His wish was for you."

Kolyat's words hit her harder in her heart than she could have expected as she looked to Thane, tears fell from her eyes. "Goodbye, Thane…" she said softly, then whispered softly, "meet you across the sea."

Turning, she wiped her tears and left the room, giving Kolyat time alone to grieve. Thane's prayer for her echoed in her mind. It had been as if he knew the weight of the last few years on her heart. As if he had seen the turmoil and pain and darkness that held her soul. Thane always had his mysteries and he always saw more than he let on.

Looking over her shoulder to the room, a hardness set on her features as she thought of the assassin who had killed him. "I will find the bastard who did this, Thane, and I will avenge you," she said then strode out of the hospital. She was done with this place. 


	16. Returning Home

The doors to the docking bay opened where Kaidan had been waiting as Shepard walked through them, stopping suddenly when she saw him. The moment he saw her, what he had every intention of saying went out the window. She looked like she had been crying, though the signs were well masked. She was good at hiding her true emotions he'd always been able to see through them.

He knew she'd lost a friend - the drell assassin who Kaidan had gotten to know during their mutual stint in the hospital. He'd been in surgery for his injuries last Kaidan had heard, from protecting the salarian Councilor, but by the look on her face, it was clear he hadn't made it. He wanted to pull her into his arms and give her comfort but he didn't. Even if he felt like he had the right to, the hangar was not the place or time for it, and after what had just happened with the Council, he wondered if he even still had the right to.

Besides, he'd gone there for a specific reason and unless she wanted to talk to him about what happened, he'd leave it for later. The hangar was not the right place or time to discuss her loss.

"Kaidan, hey…" she said, her voice even under the mask of her emotions, "I wondered where you went. What's up?"

"I'm trying to wrap my head around what just happened," he said honestly, leaning against a pylon with his arms crossed over his chest.

"You sound angry," she said, an apprehension washing over her. A lot had happened.

"Not angry, just…" he pushed off the pylon and unfolded his arms as he approached her, moving to stand in front of her, "…not everyday you have an armed standoff with someone you love."

Shepard took immediate notice of his use of the word 'love' over its past tense alternative as he'd used in the past. It warmed her and pulled at what she felt for him. It was a dangerous pull because at the moment she was barely holding the mask that kept everyone from seeing what she was really feeling in place. Thane's death along with everything else had left her raw.

"How it all went down, it's got me…" he turned and paced, "I don't know."

"Okay, talk to me. Let's have it," she said frankly, watching him as he stilled from his pacing.

He looked at her with an intensely curious gaze that shook her as he stepped forward towards her as she spoke, "If I hadn't backed down first, I feel like you would have taken me out."

Kiara looked him evenly in face, unflinching and unwavering, "I trusted you and I knew you'd come around. That's all that matters." It wasn't a no but it wasn't a yes. They both knew the answer though. If he had pushed her too far, she would have been the one to take the shot. She'd have felt it her duty, her obligation to protect the Council, even if shooting him had meant ripping out her own heart in the process.

She didn't let that linger, wanting to push forward from it, "Main thing is we stopped the coup and Cerberus is off the Citadel."

He stepped away slowly and paced again, "But sometimes the way a thing goes down does matter, Shepard. Later, when you have to live with yourself." He paced over to the window and looked out at the Normandy. "Knowing that you acted with integrity…then it matters." In his way he was letting her know he understood if she would have but she also knew there was something more to this - something else that was eating at him.

"You're talking about Udina…" she posited, wondering if it was his death that was weighing on him. "You think he would have come in quietly? Kaidan, he gave you no choice. You had to take the shot. You acted with integrity…I saw the whole thing."

"Alright," he said with a deep breath and turned back to look at her, "Thanks." He'd needed that. He'd needed to know that the shot he'd taken had been the right decision. "Look, Shepard, there's another reason I'm here."

He pulled away from the window and came to stand in front of her again, "Hackett offered me a position, but I'd turn it down in a second if there was a chance to join you on the Normandy again."

Shepard's heart skipped a beat at what he was asking as she smiled, letting it show in her gaze. "I couldn't imagine meeting the Reapers without you," she said honestly.

He let out a breath he'd been holding in as he smiled, "Thank you, Commander." He said formally. He offered his hand to shake and she took it though there was no mistaking the elation in either of their gazes. Releasing her hand, he added, "And Shepard…I need you to know that I'll never doubt you again. I've got your back."

His words carried the weight of everything that had happened since Horizon on them. She knew what he meant and it made her happier than she'd ever admit aloud. "Good to know," she said with a warm smile then gestured to the ramp leading to the Normandy, "Welcome aboard, Major."

Kaidan went to attention and saluted her, not hiding the joy and pride in his eyes, as he said, "Aye, aye, ma'am."

As he turned away and started walking towards the Normandy, her gaze dropped to his ass and she smiled as she watched it, appreciating every step. Some things were starting to look up…


	17. Grief and Family

The Citadel was in complete disarray after the attack by Cerberus. C-Sec had been hit hard and every one was stretched thin. For days the crew of the Normandy helped where they could. At first it was clearing out Cerberus troops who were dug in, then it was the clean up effort on the Presidium where it had been assaulted the hardest.

When Shepard received a new set of orders from Hackett and the Normandy departed the Citadel to resume its mission, Shepard made a point to grab the first chance she got to touch base with Kaidan. Though they saw each other frequently in passing, neither Kaidan nor her had gotten much of chance to talk privately since the coup. It had been frustrating but both understood that there were more important things going on. She worried about him and how he was handling everything.

In a way, she appreciated the fact they'd been too busy to talk. It had given her time to think and process through what had happened. It was clear they were both feeling the residual effects of their stand off. They had come out of it but it had shaken their, already unstable, foundations. It was still a sudden shift from how things had been after Horizon to where they stood after the coup. It was the bulk of that issue that was taking the most time to adjust.

As Shepard stepped off the elevator to head towards where she heard Kaidan was located, she ran into Garrus standing at the memorial wall solemnly, staring at the names. "Shepard…hell of a thing. Udina loses his mind, the Citadel almost falls…" he turned his head to look at her, "…and you almost had to put down a friend."

Coming up to stand at his side, she looked at each of the names on the wall. She knew them all by heart, each one memorized and branded into her soul. She nodded to his words, "It got a little tense there."

"If it had come down to it, could you have pulled the trigger?" Garrus asked, looking back at the wall.

 _Leave it to Garrus to ask it plainly_ , she thought. "If he hadn't backed down…yes. This war is bigger than any one person," she said, though her tone heavy and it conveyed all it needed to. She would have pulled the trigger and she would have regretted it the rest of her life.

"I'll be sure to remember that next time we have a disagreement," Garrus said with a smirk, "Still, I'm glad Kaidan didn't have to join Ash. Losing one was enough."

Shepard could only nod as she turned away and continued heading for the starboard observation deck, leaving Garrus to his thoughts. Opening the door, she spotted Kaidan leaning against the window as he looked out over the view of the stars soaring past. She took a moment to take in the sight.

There was no denying she was glad to have him back on the Normandy. Just having him near brought a sense of peace to her she hadn't felt since before the old Normandy had been destroyed. He was the calming presence in her life, the steady platform from which she could take a stand and fight against their enemies. He was strength and goodness, a pillar reminding her of everything they fought for.

Kaidan drew himself from his deep thoughts as he heard the door open and saw the reflection of Shepard appear in the window. He hadn't realized until that moment how much he'd needed to see her after the news he'd received. His heart was heavy with grief and she was the anchor that kept him focused. He'd missed that about her. He'd missed a lot of things about her.

He took a deep breath as he looked out at the stars, "All seems so calm from here. There are people going through hell in a million different ways…out there. And I want to be fighting alongside them, but…I want to be here. You know?" He pushed off from the window and turned to look at her, his amber gaze seeking out her alabaster set.

"Sure," Shepard said with a nod as she looked at him. Something more than just what had happened on the Citadel was bothering him, a heaviness enshrouding the usual spark of light in the depths of his gaze. It was a heaviness she knew all too well: the heaviness of grief. "Thinking of anyone specific?" she asked, wondering if he had gotten word about his spec ops students.

"I heard from my mom, Shepard. My dad is, uh…he's MIA. He's presumed…" Kaidan started but couldn't bring himself to finish the sentence. He sighed and looked down, closing his eyes briefly.

"Tell me what happened," Shepard asked, offering her support to him if he wanted it. She understood the pain he felt. Even months later, the loss of her own father still weighed heavily on her. "You said they got out of Vancouver…"

"He left Mom at the orchard and reported for active duty. It's all we know, but, it's, uh…it's enough," Kaidan said, sparing a glance to her before looking back out the window, "She's alone in this now. In all…this."

Kiara's heart broke for him as she heard the grief in his words. "I feel for you Kaidan. And I'm glad you told me. There's strength in camaraderie. In empathy," she turned to face him.

"Thanks," he said, letting out another sigh, "You're right. I don't know how you do it, Shepard, keeping it all together like you do. Earth is always in the back of my mind, haunting me."

"So use it," she said plainly with a bit of a shrug then looked out the window, "That's how I cope. I think about how Earth looked…and how it's going to look when we get back." Her lips formed into a confident smile, "Guns blazing, the whole galaxy behind us."

"Yeah," Kaidan chuckled at the fire that sparked in her gaze and the determination in her voice. He admired that about her. The word 'impossible' wasn't even in her vocabulary. She was the embodiment of strength and hope, the immovable force that made it all seem attainable. She amazed him and left him in awe at the woman she was. How had he ever doubted her?

With just her words, he felt better. His worries and his fears seemed less as her fire and determination inspired him, "And my students…well, wherever they are, I know they're kicking ass on Earth or…somewhere." He smirked, "You know, when this war is over, there's going to be one hell of a reunion party."

"Hell, yeah."

"Dancing in the streets. Hugging and crying," Kaidan could just imagine it, surrounded by the family he'd developed over the years who he was serving with once more. He could see Shepard there, radiant as ever in the wake of their victory. Everyone he loved, he wanted to see there. He thought of his mother, his mirth fading, "My mom's always wanted to travel off-planet…I think I'll take her."

Silence fell between them as he looked down. Kiara hated seeing him in pain. Slowly she stepped forward towards him as she wrapped her arms around him and drew him into an embrace. Kaidan froze in surprise for a brief moment before sinking into the hug, his hands moved to slide around her waist. His arms crossed at her back as he pulled her tight against him, holding her close. He let out a breath at the strength of her arms as they held him securely. The support she gave him took his breath away.

He reveled in the feel of her against him again and the way her scent drifted around them, enflaming his senses. He'd missed the smell of her; a mixture of lilac shampoo and bullets. Odd as the combination was, it was perfect for her, embodying both the soldier and the woman behind the solider. The shape of her body fit against his perfectly, as it always had, as they stood there unmoving. They held each other, drawing comfort from the other. Neither Kaidan nor Kiara wanted the moment to end.

For what seemed like an eternity, they remained until slowly the embrace drew back. Both of their arms remained wrapped around each other as their gazes locked. "Thank you, Shepard," he said softly. It was then he noticed her own grief that rested in the depths of her eyes, "Have you heard from your family yet?"

Kiara looked down and shook her head as she let out a soft breath, "No. My mother was in Seattle when the Reapers attacked. I haven't heard from her since Earth got hit, and my father…" Shepard took a breath, "He passed away while I was in the detention center. Heart attack." She tried to push away the pain that flared in her chest at the memory of it. She thought time would make it easier but it wasn't. She was grateful for Anderson and Hackett pulling the strings that let her attend the funeral.

"I'm so sorry, Shepard…I…I didn't know. I hadn't heard," Kaidan said, grief for her loss filling his gaze. Without thinking, he pulled her back into his arms. Where before she had been the one embracing him and giving him comfort, now he gave her comfort. He cursed himself for not having been there for her when it happened.

Shepard's arms tightened around him as she laid her head against his chest and closed her eyes. In his arms she felt safe and free but those sensations threatened her very precarious hold on her own grief. Tears pricked her eyes as she fought to push them away. She'd done enough crying lately between Mordin and Thane, she couldn't let herself cry again so soon.

Taking a deep breath she inhaled the scent of him, warm metal and spices filling her nose. It calmed her and gave her strength as she allowed herself to be lost once more in the security of his arms. Wrapped in his arms, just how much she had missed him came closing in on her. Her arms tightened around him even more as if she was afraid to let go and lose him again. She clung to him as if her life depended on it and, like the steady pillar of strength he was, he let her.

Shepard let herself embrace the moment and everything Kaidan being there meant to her. Everything outside of them faded to nothingness as she basked in everything that was her Kaidan.

After what seemed like another eternity, she slowly released him and shared a smile with him. Sliding her hand from his shoulder, she cupped the side of his cheek as she looked into his eyes. "Thank you…" she said softly then leaned forward, pressing her lips tenderly against his cheek. She lingered for only a brief moment before she drew back but his skin tingled where her lips had touched. They were as warm and smooth as he remembered. He'd longed, for years, to feel those lips again.

No longer did he have to cling to the fading memory of them. He had her once more in his life and Kaidan was determined not to lose her again. Already he had spent three years without her in his life. He refused to let more time pass them by. "Kiara, I…" he began to speak but the door opening interrupted them as Liara walked in.

"Oh, I'm sorry…"Liara started, looking down embarrassed as Kiara and Kaidan drew away from each other. Liara still felt the pang of sadness and envy at the sight of them together. The years had not diminished her own feelings for Commander Shepard, though she kept them well contained and masked. Shepard had chosen Kaidan and it was Kaidan who held her heart.

At times she had thought, especially after she learned about what happened on Horizon, that there might have been a chance for something to grow. She caught the way Shepard had looked at her on occasion and it had given her hope, yet she recalled the way she had looked at Kaidan when he'd been injured on Mars. No one could come close to what Kaidan was to her.

Seeing both of her old friends once more together warmed her heart and helped softened the pain at the sight. They looked genuinely happy and Liara wanted nothing but joy for them both. "I don't mean to disturb but there's something I'd like to discuss with you, Commander. It's about Eden Prime."

"Eden Prime?" Kaidan asked, his brow knitting in confusion.

"That's where Hackett has ordered us. Seems Cerberus has attacked and is occupying the colony. They've apparently unearthed another major Prothean artifact. He wants us to infiltrate and recover it," Shepard informed him, 'We're on our way there now."

"Wow…" he said, surprised by the information.

"I've been reaching out to what contacts I could trying to find more information on this artifact they've discovered. It's my hope that there might be information vital to discovering what the Catalyst is and letting us complete the Crucible. My contacts have given me some information about the size of the force Cerberus has and what they've been up to since taking over the colony," Liara said, handing Shepard the data pad.

Taking the pad, she reviewed over the intel, "Thanks, Liara. This is very useful. When we get there, I'd like you to suit up and join me."

"If its alright, I'd like to tag along. Eden Prime…it holds a lot of memories. I'd like to be there," Kaidan said, his gaze searching out Shepard's.

She gave a nod, "Be ready." And just like that Kiara stepped to the side as Commander Shepard took point in her persona.

Kaidan smiled at the look Shepard gave him and he nodded to her, "Wouldn't miss it for the world. Go ahead, Commander, we'll have time to catch up again soon."

Shepard gave him a small smile and nod before she started walking towards the door with Liara, her voice trailing out the further away she got, "What else have your contacts discovered…"

 


	18. Surreal

A Prothean!

A very real, very much alive Prothean…

The thought still blew Shepard's mind when she thought about Javik. She'd never imagined the Prothean artifact Cerberus had recovered was an actual Prothean suspended in a stasis pod. Fifty thousand years he'd been asleep, with no knowledge of the way of the galaxy around him. She couldn't imagine that happening.

She shook her head as she stood in the shower, the hot water rushing over her and working the tension out of her muscles. Images, clear and surreal, flashed in her mind of Javik and his people making their last stand. Though it wasn't as brutal of a process as the experiences she'd had with beacons three years ago, she found her head still swam with everything she'd seen.

She knew it was because of her cipher she'd been allowed to see the signal and the recording of the past. Those images she had been prepared for and her brain seemed to process them as normal. It was what Javik imparted to her when he connected with her, sensing all he needed to of her and the current cycle while sharing a glimpse of his own memory from before, that had her off kilter. She hadn't just seen what he had seen, she'd felt it too. The emotions, the heat of the flames as the building crumbled around him. It had almost been as if she'd been there herself.

Bracing her hands on the wall, she let the water pound over her head and down her back. Javik was nothing like either Liara or herself had imagined. The romance of the legend of his race was met with the stark reality. They had been a hard, severe people who had dominated the galaxy and brought all the races of their cycle under their rule. She couldn't tell yet if they had been tyrants or just leaders and Javik was turning out to be too private of a man to figure it out quickly.

He shared a little bit about his culture and what life had been like, but the glimpse he offered was one from the perspective of someone who had been born under the attack of the Reapers, long after they had invaded. It was far from a comprehensive picture of what their race had been like before the Reapers. She could only imagine what the next generation would be like if the conflict with the Reapers went on for as long as it had with the Protheans. She prayed she could end it long before that.

Shepard reflected back to their shuttle trip down to the surface of Eden Prime; the planet where it all began. She'd lost Jenkins and Nihlus on that mission but had acquired Ash in the process. None of them could have anticipated what that mission would have led them to. It seemed like an eternity since that day.

Turning off the water, Shepard grabbed a towel and dried herself off as her thoughts carried her, replaying every moment as it always did after each mission. Once she was dried, she slipped into her fatigues and a simple black N7 t-shirt. Leaning over, she let her hair fall as she rubbed the towel over the strands. Her mind drifted to Kaidan.

It had meant a lot to her that Kaidan had gone with her on the mission. It was wild how everything had seemed to come full circle. That mission had been the first time she had gotten to work with him in the field and he'd proven himself to be a remarkable soldier. She smiled affectionately as she remembered the vigil he held after the beacon had rendered her unconscious.

"I hope whoever's put that smile on your face is ready for some competition…" Kaidan said, his voice breaking through her thoughts as he leaned against her door. His gaze was riveted on her as she dried her hair. It wasn't as long as it used to be but it was getting there, the silky black locks beckoning him to run his fingers through their depths.

Kiara let her smile widen as she tossed her towel to her desk chair and looked at him, "I could have sworn a closed door meant 'knock before entering'," she teased, "What if I was entertaining my secret lover?" She had to tease him, especially when he made it as easy as he did.

A flash of jealousy coursed across his gaze for a brief moment at the thought of Shepard being with anyone else. He knew she was joking but the way his chest had constricted at the thought of losing her again, in any way, had caught him off guard.

Kiara's breath caught in her chest at the intense way Kaidan looked at her and it sent a shiver of yearning down her spine. Kaidan had never been a possessive man but in that moment, a primal emotion flickered within him briefly. It made her heart race and blood boil as images of him unleashing that primal urge with her danced in her mind.

The air grew thick and heavy between them, the desire between them palpable. Neither could pull their gazes from the other and for a moment, Kaidan wondered if he'd be able to resist her if she came to him. The response he'd seen in her gaze when she looked at him set his blood on fire.

Licking his lips, he pushed off from the door as if to follow the temptation her gaze offered but he held himself back. As much as he wanted to, with what happened, he wanted to go into what was redeveloping between them the right way. They still hadn't gotten the chance to talk about everything and figure out how, or if, they were going to move forward.

He was hardly an impulsive man, and though he wanted to throw all caution to the wind and pull her into his arms, he resisted. It took every ounce of willpower he had. She deserved more than a rushed, brief encounter, which was all it would be if he gave into her then. He had messed up already and he wanted to make it up to her. He wanted to do right by her and make sure the jumping off point for where they were headed was a solid one.

"I wanted to make sure you were okay," Kaidan said, reigning himself in as he tried to detract away from the moment they'd shared. "I remember what happened the first time you got a Prothean vision. While the cipher ended up helping you later, I also know the nightmares you suffered for weeks after them."

Shepard smiled warmly at his concern, "I'm fine. Somehow the process was…gentler than before. Perhaps it had something to do with what Javik shared with me. I'm not sure." She smirked as she leaned against her fish tank, "You know, that's what put the smile on my face was thinking about that first vision actually."

"Oh?"

"I was remembering how you stayed by my side the whole time I was unconscious, watching over me and keeping your vigil…" she said softly as she watched him. "Even then, you amazed me and continually surprised me. I'd never met anyone like you." She smirked then shrugged as she pushed off the fish tank and walked down into the sitting area of her cabin. She reached for a pair of socks and her combat boots as she took a seat on the end of her bed.

Kaidan remembered how hard he fought what he'd felt for her but as he looked back, he knew the moment he'd seen her on the bridge of the Normandy, he had been a goner. She'd ensnared him from the very beginning and he'd wanted to be a part of her life. Those days seemed like a whole other lifetime away.

Beside her, his attention was drawn to gruff snort that caught him off guard. He looked over to the far side of her bed as the hulking mass of varren stood up and shook. Immediately Kaidan went on alert but before he could draw his pistol, he saw how Shepard grinned in amusement at him.

After a moment, she outright laughed as she reached over and scratched the varren between its ears. She looked over at him affectionately, "You're losing your touch, old boy." Looking back to Kaidan, her face was still alight with mirth. "Kaidan, I'd like you to meet your competition, Urz. Urz, this is Kaidan." Kaidan blinked as the varren stared him down. She had a pet varren?

 _Of course she has a pet varren_ , Kaidan thought, _it is Shepard after all…_

"When did you get a varren?" he asked as he eyed the beast warily. For his part, Urz just looked at him lazily then flopped back down on the floor for another nap.

"A few weeks before we made our move on the Collector base, we were on Tuchanka. Grunt, the tank bred krogan I released, was due for his Rite of Passage. While I was there, Urz took a liking to me and refused to leave my side. His owner had died and he chose to follow me home to the Normandy," Shepard said as she glanced to the varren. Kaidan saw the depth of her caring for the creature and it soothed the alarm he'd had when he first saw him.

"Last year kinda ended up being my year of strays, it seems…" she said as she thought of Urz and Jack and Grunt. Hell, her whole crew had been like a pack of strays, all unique and from different backgrounds but came together as a family. "I hope you get the chance to meet my old team someday. I think you'd like a lot of them." Her tone turned wistful as she though of her crew. They'd been through a lot and in their own ways, they'd been there for her when no one else had been.

"I'd like that," he said to the mention of meeting her former team.

The console at her desk chimed, letting her know they were almost to their destination. "We should get suited up. I want to get to these scientists before Cerberus has a chance to track them down," she said as the emotions were pushed to the background.

There was so much Kaidan wanted to say and he found words eluded him when it came to talking about them and how he felt. "Aye, aye, ma'am. Who do you want to bring with us?"

"Javik. I want to see him in action and hopefully get the chance to get to know him a bit better."

"I'll let him know." And like that Kaidan was out the door.

A moment later, Shepard had her boots on and was heading to the shuttle bay. Time to liberate some scientists.


	19. Working Through the Past

There were no words Shepard could find to describe how good it felt to have Kaidan by her side on missions again. Just like old times, they moved as one and fought as one. She felt unstoppable with him. There were a lot of people she'd trusted over the years to watch her back, and still did, but there was no one she'd trusted as much as Kaidan.

A furious storm of biotics and bullets, Shepard and Alenko moved and operated as one with Javik filling support. Muscle memory returned as they fell into the easy rhythm of running a mission together. They'd worked out the readjustment kinks with to the way both had developed their style of fighting wile apart back on Eden Prime. It hadn't take them long to adapt to each other.

Cerberus never stood a chance.

Even Jacob commented later that he'd never seen a couple work so well together as her and Kaidan did. He advised her to keep him close then he departed with the scientists. It had been good to see him. She was happy he'd found a home and a family he wanted to fight for.

It was good for both Kaidan and Shepard that their mission was to save a group of scientists who'd defected from Cerberus. It helped them put some of the past, and Horizon, behind them. Still, she could see as they returned to the Normandy that something was bothering him.  
  
She caught him in the crew quarters trying to work on his reports after she'd given her debriefing to Hackett. She was glad no one else was around. She'd wanted to talk to him in private, get his thoughts on the mission. She'd always valued his opinions on how he thought their missions went but this one, in particular, was one that was closer to home.

"Hey," Kaidan said when he saw her walk in, "there you are." The tone he held was one she liked hearing again. It was genuinely happy to see her, and, if she didn't miss her mark, quite flirtatious. She liked seeing him look at her like that again.

"Are you flirting with me?" she teased, taking a seat across from him after he gestured for her to join him. She smiled across the table. Things were improving and getting better between them and they'd fallen into the usual easy interaction they were always able to exist in. It was nice and slowly, but surely, they were growing close again.

In some ways it was an awkward thing. They knew each other, better than anyone else out there in the galaxy, and yet they were having to re-learn each other. Redefine the relationship. It had its moments.

Kaidan chuckled and shook his head, "If you have to ask, I'm clearly out of practice." His gaze grew intense as he looked at her, his voice dropping a bit as he leaned in. "Well when we've got time, you'll have to let me practice…" There was no denying he was flirting now between that tone and that look. It sent a shiver down her spine and made her heart race as she felt her skin warm. He always could melt her when he looked at her like that.

He'd seen the reaction it'd caused her and he loved it. Commander Shepard, hero of the Citadel, who charged headlong into the enemy caught off guard by a simple look from him. It reminded him she was human, just like him. A woman. A very sensual, passionate woman with a fire in her soul that could set his blood to boil in seconds. Not that he had any room to talk about being caught off guard. A look from her could bring him to his knees.

He was glad things had been getting better between them. There were no doubts they still loved each other but it was a fragile thing. Relearning and redefining the boundaries was a challenge but as he sat there looking at her, he knew she was a challenge he wanted in his life. He was glad they'd been able to move past Horizon and Cerberus.

Thinking of Cerberus reminded him of the scientists and the thoughts he'd been mulling around before she came in. "You know," Kaidan said, his tone growing serious as he looked to his report, "I've been just sitting here thinking…"

"Uh-oh. Okay, hit me with it," she teased lightly, leaning forward on her forearms as she looked to him.

"So, those Cerberus scientists…they were good people," he said, though his tone was more stating than asking.

"What do you mean?" Shepard asked with a cant of her head.

"I mean, Dr. Cole and her team, they seemed like…like good people. Knowing that, what do we do?" he looked at her then, "What if there are more like them trapped inside Cerberus, struggling to get out?"

Shepard could see the thought troubled him deeply. Her Kaidan: always wanting to help the less fortunate and the oppressed. It reminded her of one of the many reasons she loved him. "Tell me what you think we should do?"

Kaidan looked down and shook his head, "I don't know, Shepard. These are the hard calls. I mean, the decision to 'sacrifice the one for the many'. The choices to leave someone behind…until you're in that moment." He shrugged, his shoulders dropping in defeat before looking over to her, "So yeah, you know, I don't know."

Shepard did. She knew all too well. She'd had to make a lot of those decisions lately and each one ate at her soul. They were the hardest choices she ever had to make and she knew there were still a lot more to come. It weighed on her.

In regards to the Cerberus defectors, the answer was an easy one. "Anyone that comes forward, like these people, we help. No matter what. That's the best we can do," she said.

Kaidan have a solemn nod, "I know."

Shepard looked down, "Sometimes the best we can do won't feel like enough, but it's all we've got."

He sighed as she stood up and paced over to the window that looked out over the Normandy's drive core, "So the scientists that put you back together, that saved your life, they were good people?" he asked, bringing his hands to clasp behind his back.

"They were professionals. I didn't know them all," she said plainly. She'd known only two of the members of the team. One was Miranda, who turned out to not be the bad egg Shepard had expected her to be, and the other had been Wilson, who'd been a traitor who died shortly after she woke. Though she hadn't ever trusted Miranda before, after the Collector base, that changed. Especially when she left Cerberus after Shepard had. Now there was an understanding between them and mutual respect.

Kaidan stopped his pacing, his back to her as his hands came to rest at his sides. "And the Illusive Man?" he asked.

Shepard took a breath. She was wondering when he would have been brought up. She knew how hard this conversation was to bring up Cerberus, especially where Shepard was concerned, but she was glad they were discussing it. They needed to, "Was he a good person?"

"Once?...Ever?" Kaidan asked heavily. He didn't know if he wanted to know what her thoughts had been on Cerberus and the Illusive Man had been when she was a part of them but he needed to know. They'd talked about the facts, he knew those, but they hadn't talked about what it was like for her. What she had been feeling while there. He realized then, her answer meant a lot to him. A piece of him still needed to know she hadn't chose Cerberus over the Alliance, over him, despite what he'd seen on Mars and since. That she really hadn't gone to them of want but instead out of necessity.

"Well, he gave me what I needed to stop the Collectors," she said plainly. For her, he'd been a tool. A resource. Nothing more. She knew Kaidan needed to know that though, to hear it.

"Right. Exactly. But so, you never saw this coming from them? From him?" Kaidan turned around then to look at her, "Sorry…" he sighed, his expression guarded, "I'm not sure what I want you to say here. I guess I'm just looking for some sort of insight on the Illusive Man…something." And some insight into her time with them, but he didn't say it.

"Back then, he wanted the best for humanity and he had resources to spare," Shepard said matter-of-factly, "But then it became humanity first and at any cost." Kaidan moved back to sit next to her at the table, "And that…" she continued, "that's a very different thing. But this? No, I never saw this coming from him."

He could see the anger and the upset that rose to just beneath the surface when she thought about the Illusive Man and everything he had done. It was good enough for him and he gave a nod, "Hmm. Okay. Well thanks, Shepard. I'm…" he held her gaze, "I'm glad we could talk about this."

She smiled softly, "I am too. You know you can ask me anything about my time there, right? It was a difficult time, for both of us, but you deserve to know."

He considered her a long moment and smiled softly, giving a nod, "I know. Its hard, you know? I want to know what it was like, what you went through during that time, but…at the same time, I don't."

"A part of you is afraid you won't like what you hear? That somehow I believed in Cerberus at one point and trusted them?" she asked, keeping any hint of defensiveness out of her tone. She understood it.

He gave a hesitant nod, "Yeah."

Shepard took a deep breath, "I didn't. I wanted to save our colonies and take down the Collectors. The Council refused to help and the Alliance was stretched thin after Sovereign. So I used what resources I had and that was Cerberus. They were a tool, a means to an end."

She smiled then remembering her conversation with Karin, "I asked Dr. Chakwas if she regretted working for Cerberus. She said she worked for me, not them, and she didn't regret it. If anything, she felt guilty. We'd used their best resources, took their best people, took their best ship and just left went it was all over."

Kaidan chuckled, "Yeah, you cleaned them out pretty good."

Shepard laughed, "We tried to. The biggest hit, I think, was me and the Normandy - resource wise. I don't even want to know how much went into this ship…" she looked up at the bulkheads and the lines. She loved this ship. They'd been through a lot together. Jacob was almost right when he'd said that the Normandy was her real love. It was but it wasn't her only. There was only one person that she loved more than the Normandy and he was sitting right in front of her.

"And you? Joker said they spent over 4 billion credits rebuilding you?" Kaidan asked, still finding it hard to believe.

Shepard smirked and nodded, "Yup, or so I heard. Biggest investment they ever made that didn't pay off." She chuckled and looked down at her hands.

Kaidan grew serious as he reached over and placed his hand on top of hers, "I wouldn't say that. It didn't pay off for them but I won't say it didn't pay off at all. You're here…You're alive." She looked up, seeing the shadow of the pain in his gaze from when he'd thought she was dead. It pulled at her heart. "I'd say that's more than an investment. It’s a miracle. If there is one good thing I can say in regards to Cerberus, its that I'm glad they took an interest in you. The galaxy is a better place with you in it."

Emotions tugged at her heart at his words. He always knew the right thing to say and he always meant it. Nothing was a façade with him. "Kaidan…" she started to say but heard someone approaching the crew quarters as they parted hands.

She knew her crew knew of their relationship, or at least some heavily suspected, and they supported them but still, old habits were hard to break. She stood from the table, "Next time we're on the Citadel, we should have dinner. I know a café that still serves steak," he said with a charming smile. Him and his steak.

"I'd like that. A lot," Shepard said as the door slid open and a crewman walked in, "Meanwhile, you should find a way to take your mind off things."

Kaidan smirked, "I know. Joker did ask me to give him some poker tips. He keeps losing his shirt to James."

Shepard winced and laughed, "Good luck with that. Joker has a terrible poker face."

He chuckled, "Great. I like a challenge. See you around."

She smiled and headed out from the crew quarters, giving a nod to the crewman who walked in. She was glad for the talk they'd had. It'd been a good one. One they needed.


	20. Kaidan Meets V'Leera

Kaidan let out a heavy breath as he set the data pad down, finally finished with the last of his reports. It was the only downside to the job he loved so much. With every promotion came more reports that needed to be filed. It was maddening at times.

It'd only been a few hours since he and Shepard had sat there and talked about Cerberus. His mind still worked over the things she had said. It had helped a lot to hear her talk about her time with them and to be able to see the emotions her memories evoked. There was no doubt she hated Cerberus and the Illusive Man. It was a hatred that ran deep though, as if she'd never stopped hating them since they'd found Admiral Kahoku. In truth, that helped the most. It reassured Kaidan that, in her heart, she'd never truly betrayed the Alliance…or him.

The doors to the crew quarters slid open as a crew member walked in. It surprised him to see another asari. He'd seen her around the mess and in the infirmary but he hadn't had a chance to speak with her. She was a doctor but that was the extent of what he knew about her.

It seemed she was just as interested in him and he was in her as she stole a glance his way. After setting down a few data pads on her bunk, she turned and approached him. "You're Major Alenko, right?" the asari asked, giving a warm smile as she stood across from him at the table.

"I am, and you are?" he asked as he stood to politely greet her.

"Dr. Sedanna V'Leera," she offered, outstretching her hand to shake his. He took it as he gave her a nod, "Commander Shepard brought me in the help assist Dr. Chakwas as well as evaluate and monitor the biotic health of the crew. How are your migraines doing?"

Right down to business. He gestured for her to sit in the chair across from him as he retook his seat, "As bad as ever but a Dr. Bactrus at Alliance HQ had put me on a regiment of some meds and a concoction that seem to be helping their frequency. They've also lessened the strain I feel after using my biotics."

"I know Amelia quite well and I am aware of her work with you. At Commander Shepard's request, I reviewed your file and your medical history when you joined the Normandy. How are you fairing since you got out of the hospital?" Dr. V'Leera asked, leaning forward. It was clear to Kaidan she held the same fascination with him as Bactrus had. What caught his attention though through all of that, though, was that Shepard had specifically requested she look into him.

The fact Shepard had done it without talking to him bothered him a bit. He knew it was standard procedure and, especially when it came to the Commander, the best care was always provided for the crew. But somehow he knew there was more to it. It warmed him that she cared enough to make sure he was alright but still, he'd wished she would have told him before he was ambushed.

"Severe head trauma like you suffered could have some lasting effects on your implants. When you get the chance, I'd like you to come by the infirmary so I can run a full diagnostic and check up," V'leera continued.

"Dr. Chakwas has been taking care of it," Kaidan said, trying not to sound too defensive. At least with Chakwas, he had a rapport with her and she'd been the one who'd first referred him to Bactrus.

"I am aware of this. Still, Dr. Chakwas hasn't spent the last two hundred years specializing in biotics and their well being. We've spoken about this and she approves but if you would be more comfortable with her, I will respect that," the doctor said calmly but firmly.

Kaidan hated the fuss that came with his L2 implant but he was used to it. Though he had every intention of looking more into this Dr. V'Leera's service record, if Chakwas and Shepard wanted her to work with him, he'd give her a chance. With a nod of resignation, he gave in, "Alright. We'll give it a try."

"Excellent! I'm sure Commander Shepard will be pleased," the asari said happily then gave him a thoughtful look, "She cares about you, you know. Very much. I've never seen her like she is when she's around you. I've gathered by the talk of the crew you two were once very close."

Kaidan was surprised at the familiarity with which the asari spoke of Shepard, "I served with her on the original Normandy when Saren and Sovereign were first trying to bring the Reapers through." He didn't touch on their personal relationship. This was a crewmate and that was private information. "Were you a member of Shepard's team when she was with Cerberus?" he asked, his curiosity on how she knew the Commander pulling at him.

Dr. V'Leera shook her head, "No, I'm actually relatively new to the crew but I've known Shepard for years. I was her biotics instructor back when she was in school."

Kaidan blinked, caught off guard by the information.

V'Leera laughed, "I can see that surprises you."

"A bit, yeah…Shepard rarely talks about it," Kaidan said and he realized, for the first time, that even though he'd spoken about his experience, she'd never brought hers up. He used to think that was because it wasn't an outside-the-norm experience but the the look that crossed the asari's face made him wonder if that wasn't entirely true.

"Kiara had…" V'leera paused, wondering if she should share it. She knew of the relationship Major Alenko had with the Commander, but she wondered if it was something Shepard should be the one to share. With the war going on, she doubted Shepard would get the chance and if they were as close as she suspected, it was a story he needed to know, "She struggled with her biotics when she was younger. A lot of the other students had years to acclimate to their implants. Kiara never did."

Kaidan leaned forward on the table as he listened to the doctor. Why didn't she have years to work with her biotics? It was strange and not something he'd know about her. He wanted to know now.

V'Leera continued, "She had been exposed in utero to element zero but it hadn't been enough of one to cause complications. It did predisposed her to biotic abilities and make her sensitive to it around her though no abilities ever developed. It wasn't until she received secondary exposure when she was fourteen that her biotic abilities fully developed." The doctor shook her head and sighed, "I don't know how, especially with her growing up on starships in the Alliance, but her biotics weren't officially detected until she was seventeen and got fitted with her L3 implant."

 _Seventeen?_ Kaidan thought. It was rare to get fitted with an implant so late in life and the ones who were usually got held back to make sure they had a full grasp of their abilities before going out into the world. That was how it had been with any program he knew about, even BAaT. He knew her service record though, and she there was nothing to denote she had been.

"Shepard enlisted in the Alliance at the age of eighteen. How was she allowed to? It takes years to gain the experience and control over biotics you need before using them regularly," Kaidan asked, his brow furrowed as he tried to figure it out. How was it they had been so close and he'd never known about any of this?

"She didn't have a choice," V'Leera said plainly, though there was a sadness that lingered in her gaze. "Kiara's biotics were always strong, right from the beginning. Her abilities had developed to the point of being as strong as, if not stronger than, her classmates who'd been honing and using them for years. Unfortunately, they were also extremely erratic and uncontrolled. Even the smallest emotion or tiniest reaction could set them off to sometimes disastrous results.

"I had thought she was getting a handle on them but they'd actually been getting worse. They became more unpredictable. She'd try to focus them to do one thing and something else would happen. One night, she had a dream. Something in it scared her and her biotics lashed out around her. It was almost like she exploded. The force of it not only destroyed her room but it took such a toll on her body she was hospitalized for two weeks," V'Leera said, remembering the day she'd walked in and saw the aftermath of the incident in her room.

Kaidan's head swam as he heard the story and continued to listen to the doctor. How had she never told him about any of it? He knew what it was like to lose control over his biotics and that had been once. To have had them lashing out unexpectedly, unable to even attempt to control them, was hard for him to fathom. For her, though, he would have tried.

"After the incident, she and her parents were at a lost of what to do. The episodes were getting worse. The slightest thing could trigger them. She fought to control them but no matter what she tried, she couldn't. I took her under my wing and worked with her to teach her control," V'Leera continued then she smiled fondly and gave a slight smirk, "I had never seen anyone as focused or determined as Kiara was. It was a struggle at first but then something just clicked inside her. She worked tirelessly to get a handle on them. She always arrived hours early and stayed hours late. When she wasn't in one of her classes, she was in our training room practicing."

Kaidan smiled. That was definitely his Kiara.

"Within eight months, she was in as much control of her biotics as her classmates. It was…remarkable. I'd never seen anyone get a grasp as quickly as she had once she found whatever it was that triggered her to know how to handle them - especially with how erratic and powerfully unpredictable they had been," V'Leera shook her head. "She is a very special woman, our Commander."

"Yes she is," Kaidan agreed. He wasn't surprised that even as a teenager, she hadn't accepted what others deemed as 'impossible'. She'd persevered and pushed through, rejecting anything but success. It was as much a part of who she was as the light speckling of freckles that covered her cheeks and nose.

"A few months later she graduated in the top three percent of her class and enlisted in the Alliance. The rest you know," Dr. V'Leera said, "We lost touch after what happened on Akuze but I never stopped thinking about her. Every news vid or story that came out, I followed. I knew she had bright future ahead of her even back then and she's certainly lived up to it. I don't know where the galaxy would be without her."

Kaidan gave a solemn nod, not wanting to think about being without her. A universe where Shepard wasn't in it was unfathomable. Instead, he smiled to the asari, "Thank you for sharing this with me. I never knew. I always had assumed she didn't speak about her biotic training because it had been uneventful."

"I know Kiara means a lot to you and you mean a lot to her. She's been through a lot in her life, and that was before the Saren business started up. The galaxy might need her but she needs you. Take care of her, Major…" V'Leera beseeched him, a motherly look directing his way.

"I have no intention of doing anything but that, doctor," Kaidan said with a serious tone, "you have my word."

"I'm glad," she said warmly then stood up, "I have some things I need to get back to. It's been a pleasure meeting you. Remember to stop by the infirmary sometime soon to let me do a check-up."

"Will do, doc," Kaidan said with a smile before standing himself and grabbing the data pad he'd been using before heading out to the observation deck. Dr. V'Leera had given him a lot to think about but a lot more about Shepard now made sense.


	21. A Day of R&R

Trying to get Shepard pinned down for a day of R&R was like pulling teeth for Liara and Garrus but with the prospect of a date with Kaidan on the horizon, she finally gave in them all the next time they pulled into the Citadel. It helped convince her they needed it when even Javik had approached her and asked for time to explore the Citadel. It had been already lost to the Reapers by the time he had been born but like in their cycle, it had once been the jewel of the galaxy he'd grew up hearing about.

With her date later in the evening with Kaidan, and Liara offering to take her shopping for it, Shepard decided to spend the early afternoon with Garrus while the rest of the crew took advantage of their shore leave. The turian had something planned for them. She thought it would be drinking, a favorite past time of theirs they never seemed to get the chance to do, but he surprised her when he loaded them in a car and took them to the top of the Presidium for some shooting practice.

Shooting practice quickly turned into a competition of who was a better shot. On the final shot, Shepard missed the target with such clumsiness that Garrus never suspected it had been intentional. He was ecstatic as he gloated and triumphed, boasting about bronzing his gun and making a monument right on that spot. She laughed and shook her head at him.

All in all, she'd had a good afternoon and she was glad for the time she got to spend with Garrus. Her team was her family and she valued every minute she got to spend with them. With the war, none of them knew what the next day could hold. Time was precious and she was glad she'd spent the afternoon with one of her closest friends.

As soon as they reached the Commons again, Liara was there. With a farewell to Garrus, her and Liara headed to a beautiful vantage point at the café and enjoyed a cup of tea while looking out over the view. It was gorgeous and Shepard had realized she'd rarely gotten the time to truly appreciate it. There had always been something more important or bigger going on. Even with the damage from the Cerberus attack, it was breathtaking and she was glad they'd came.

They spoke for a long time about a lot of different things. Liara reminisced about her mother and her childhood. She'd had a good one from the sounds of it. It seemed the Beneziah, before Saren, was quite a woman and Shepard wished she would have been able to know that side of her. By the way Liara spoke of her, she would have liked her.

As soon as their tea was finished, Liara took Shepard shopping. Shepard tried to enjoy it but she'd never been one for the 'girly' aspects of life. She felt out of her depth, not a normal feeling for her, but with Liara's guidance, she found a beautiful dress, heels and a small amount of make up. She was nervous for the evening. As Liara and her returned to the Normandy, she realized that she and Kaidan had never actually had a 'real' date.

As the evening drew closer, and Shepard got ready, she grew more excited and less nervous.They were finally getting some time alone to themselves. Ever since they'd gotten together, it'd been one crisis after another. First Saren, then the Normandy exploding and Shepard dying, then coming back and dealing with the Collectors. Now it was the war with the Reapers. They'd never been a 'normal' couple but she was going to enjoy an evening where they came as close to it as they could be.

After getting ready and departing the Normandy, Shepard found herself on the steps of the Presidium Commons looking down at the restaurant where Kaidan sat waiting for her. She stood there for the longest time just watching him, a small smile on her face as she reflected on everything it took to get them to where they were.

She'd missed him. She was glad that, even with the war raging on around them, they'd found time to spend together. It felt good and right that he was there with her to enjoy these rare moments.

Taking a deep breath, butterflies fluttering in her stomach, she made her way down the steps. Though she usually preferred combat book, she had to admit she liked how she felt in the heels. She caught the appreciative looks of both men and women as she made her way to Kaidan. It made her feel sexy and desirable with her strappy heels and her form fitting, short black dress. Her hair remained up in her usual loose bun, and a light brushing of makeup covered her features.

Kaidan was pulled from his thoughts, and his own nerves over their date, with a touch on his shoulder. Looking up, the rest of the galaxy faded away at the sight of her. She smiled to him, that gesture taking his breath away. She was a vision. He'd always found her stunning, even in uniform, but in that moment, he was truly at a loss for words at the sight of her.

He'd never seen her look so feminine but she carried it off well, the short black dress forming to her athletic, yet very womanly curves. He caught glimpses of the way others in the café looked at her and it made him beam with pride. He let the others desire her because with one glance at the way she looked at him, he knew she looked like that for him alone. He swallowed down his desire hard as he gestured for her to join him.

She took the seat beside him, her cheeks warming at the way he looked at her. It was clear he liked what he saw by the way his gaze had raked over her appreciatively. Dressed in a nice pair of black pants and nice white shirt with a leather jacket over the top that fit him perfectly, he looked ravishing. She couldn't remember the last time either of them had seen the other dressed in something other than their uniforms or armor. She liked seeing him so relaxed.

Kaidan cleared his throat as she took her seat, "I'm surprised this place can still get supplies for a menu like this," he said, dragging his attention from her to the menu in front of him.

Kiara smiled, "Maybe it's better if we don't ask how…or where."

Setting the data pad aside, he leaned forward as he rested his forearms on the table. He looked at her with an appreciative gaze, "I'm glad we're taking the time to do this. I could use a sanity check."

Shepard nodded, "Yeah. Things have been pretty crazy."

"You know…my life flashed in front of my eyes on Mars…" Kaidan said, his gaze unwavering and intense as he looked at her, "And there weren't enough moments like this, with people I care about."

Immediately her butterflies disappeared as that easy nature fell over them, "How are you feeling these days?" she asked softly as her eyes searched his. She knew he was fully healed but she still worried about him. He'd almost died and the memory of him laying on the ground with that blank near-lifeless stare had been seared into her mind forever. She never wanted to see him like that again.

"Feeling up to whatever the Reapers throw at me. And grateful," he added, "that I convinced you to sit down for half a second and relax."

She leaned forward as she held his gaze, "Yeah. I think it's a good time for us to have a heart-to-heart." She smiled, "What're you drinking?" Her tone taking on that teasing lilt. He loved seeing her relax and let her Commander side take a break for a while. She didn't do it enough but he liked how easily she seemed to be able to relax around him.

Kaidan chuckled, "If you're trying to butter me up, it might take a nice steak sandwich too."

"So…" she said, leaning back in the chair with an enticing smile as she tried to pry his order out from him.

"Shot of whiskey and a good old Canadian lager," he said with a smirk, "Think they have it?"

Shepard picked up the menu and looked it over, "More likely to have Batarian Shard Wine." She put in their order and set down the data pad.

"At my parents place in Vancouver, drank more than a few beers on their balcony, looking over English Bay," he said, her attention returning to him. He glanced out over the view the Presidium held, his smile fading as he thought of his home, "Yeah, beautiful view…" He couldn't imagine what it looked like now. He pushed the thoughts from head. It wasn't the time for bittersweet memories like that. He finally had Shepard alone with him and he wanted to focus on the good. "You know what though," he looked back at her, still serious but lighter than the moment previous, "I feel good about our chances."

"Yeah?" Shepard asked with a quirk of her brow. She was glad he did. She still wondered sometimes, though she'd never let anyone know it. She was Commander Shepard. She had to be the one who never doubted and always believed. If she didn't, how could anyone have hope?

"Yeah," Kaidan shrugged, "Lets me sleep better at night."

She leaned forward again towards him as she rested her hands on her lap, "You're not sleeping, Kaidan?" Worry touched her voice though she had no room to talk where sleep was concerned. She hadn't had a good night sleep in longer than she could remember. If her nights weren't filled with nightmares, they were filled with tossing and turning.

"Maybe a little restless," he admitted, his gaze dropping from hers as he looked down to the table. "The war isn't the only thing keeping me up at night…I wonder about us." He glanced up to look at her and found her alabaster gaze locked on his.

"Us?" she asked, the butterflies returning to flutter in her stomach. She brought her hands up to rest them on the top of the table as she held her breath in anticipation of his next words.

Kaidan drew up the strength for what he wanted to say. He suspected where their relationship was going, and how they'd been moving forward, but he needed something more definitive and he knew she deserved it, too. "I love you, Shepard," he said as he looked into her eyes, "I always have. I want to understand what this is between us…and make it real." He let out a breath he hadn’t realized he'd been holding, "That’s what I want. What do you want?"

"I can't bury what I feel for you anymore, Kaidan, and I don't want to," Shepard said, her gaze unmoving from his as she spoke. Her heart was nearly bursting with his declaration. Once upon a time, she had lost all hope that they would ever find their way back to each other but then he came back into her life. She didn't want another moment to pass by without him knowing how she felt, "I love you, Kaidan. I never stopped loving you."

Leaning forward, he took one of her hands in his and brought it up to his face, pressing his cheek against her palm as he smiled, "And that…" he looked deeply into her eyes, the raw emotion of his love bared in his eyes for her see, "makes me so happy." Turning his head, he placed a kiss on the palm of her hand.

The kiss sent shivers through her body and set a warmth to her core that heated up when he looked at her more intensely with a playful glimmer in his eyes. She could see the desire dancing in his depths and she felt her own respond to him. "And there are benefits to that happiness," he teased softly, his voice low for only her ears. Her breath hitched. He slowly released her hand as he sat back as the waiter approached with their drinks, "but more on that later."

Kiara liked the promise in his gaze. Leaning forward, "Later? We need to get back to the Normandy, A.S.A.P.," she said with her own playful grin that brought a hearty chuckle from him.

"Ahh, too late. Our drinks are here and," Kaidan grinned at her, "I'm going to take my time." As much as he wanted to take her then and rush back to the Normandy, he still wanted to do this right. She deserved to be wooed and seduced. Besides, he needed this too. A chance to just stop and enjoy time with her.

Sitting back, she got comfortable and accepted his words with a smile. This was nice and too rare of an opportunity for them and she was going to enjoy whatever time she got with him. "What'd you call it? A sanity check?"

"Mmm," he nodded, "Sanity check."

Everything had changed, for the better, and in that moment Shepard knew with Kaidan by her side, it was going to be alright. Somehow, someway, they were going to make it through this.

 


	22. Its Been Too Long (Adult Content)

Sure enough, Kaidan got his steak sandwich which made him happier than anyone should have been, in Kiara's opinion. Still, she'd liked seeing him relaxed and happy. The rest of their time they had enjoyed a leisurely meal of conversation and companionship. She couldn't remember the last time she felt so calm.

When it was finished, Kaidan rose from the table and offered his arm. She grinned at the look he gave and knew it reflected in her as well - all the love, care and desire they held for each other - as well as the promise that the date was far from over. It had been too long.

Taking his arm, they had made their way back to the Normandy, enjoying the closeness before they got back to the ship. As soon as they arrived, they separated and kept a respectable distance as they both stepped onto the elevator to go up to her quarters. There was no fooling her crew, she knew that by the way no one approached her or stopped them, but there were times and places for publicly displaying affection.

It didn't stop her from being acutely aware of every step he made and every smile that played on his lips. She was attuned to him in ways she had never been with anyone else. Every second they had gotten closer to the Normandy and her cabin, the desire between them grew thicker. It was so strong by the time they got on the lift, they could almost reach out an touch it.

As soon as the doors closed, she felt him step up behind her. His warmth pulsed off of him and sunk into her back as she felt his hands come up to her bare arms. A shiver ran through her as she let out a breath, her own heat responding to him and his touch. There was nothing like the feel of him in the galaxy.

Kaidan nuzzled her behind her ear, breathing in the familiar scent of lilacs and gunmetal as he let out a hot breath that ran down the back of her neck. Her eyes closed as her heart raced, her body leaning back into the strong wall that was him. Even the slightest touch of him had her senses running into overdrive and her heart threatening to beat out of her chest. Suddenly she felt the weight of her bun release as he tugged her pins out, the mass of her hair falling around her shoulders.

Turning her in his arms, Kaidan looked down into her alabaster eyes as she looked up into his. One hand reached up to sink into her tresses as the other hand slid around her waist and pulled her against him, eyes searching hers for only a moment before his head descended down to hers.

Their lips met and it was like coming home. The three years that had passed since their last kiss faded away. Everything good and right in the universe swirled around them as the kiss deepened. Kaidan's hands gripped her waist tighter as she snaked her arms around the back of his neck and pulled him hard against her. Need rushed through them both, the kiss unleashing the dam of every emotion and urge that had been locked away for far too long.

His hands slipped down from her waist and over her rear as the elevator doors opened. With an easy pull, he lifted her off her feet and into his arms as her legs wrapped around his waist. Tongues danced and clashed with each other, relearning every line and taste the other had to offer as he walked them into her cabin. With a tap on the controls of the door, it slid open to welcome them. Kaidan wasted no time making his way down the stairs to get them closer to her bed.

Kiara's fingers sunk into his thick hair, tugging at the strands as she lost herself in the feel of him and the hunger she felt for him. Every inch of her responded to him, welcoming him home. She felt one of his hands slide up and over her rear as it came up to the zipper at the back of her dress. In one swift motion, the fabric that had felt entirely too tight and constricting parted. She sighed as she felt his calloused hands meet the soft bareness of her back.

She wasted no time as she released her hold on his hair and moved her hands down to push off his jacket, first down one arm then the other. Once it was discarded, her hands dropped to his shirt and began to pull it out of his pants. She loathed to release the kiss but as soon as she had the fabric of his shirt bunched high enough, she broke the kiss. Staring into his eyes, she helped him out of it and tossed it aside before eagerly returning her lips to his.

There was no argument from Kaidan as he fell once more into her kiss, urgent and hungry. Her legs unwound from his waist as she stood. Lifting his hands, he hook his thumbs into the shoulder of her dress as he tugged it down. That gesture was all it took for the fabric to slide down off her body and pool at her feet. He pulled back from the kiss to take in the sight of her.

A black lace bra and matching panties clung to her figure so perfectly it was as if she'd been poured into them, her breasts full and pert in their supports. He noticed scars she'd not had before but he wasn't surprised, nor did they detract from her beauty. They both had their fair share of them from the years. It made her real.

It made her his Shepard.

As he looked over her, Kiara appreciatively raked her gaze over him and his smooth chest riddled with his own scars; the marks of a warrior. She ran the tip of her finger over a few of them then leaned forward slowly, pressing her lips to one right over his heart. She felt him shiver beneath her kiss and when she looked up into his eyes, she relished the deep look of desire in their depths.

Unable to draw away, and having no desire to, she let the moment pull them into another kiss as their lips met once more. The current of longing swept them up again as the heat rose. They clung to each other, desperate for the feel of each other's bodies against one another. All too soon, his pants and her lingerie were discarded with the rest, his boots and her heels following shortly after.

Kiara felt the bed sink under the weight of them as Kaidan laid her down then quickly covered her body with his. The familiar weight of him pressed into her as his lips recaptured hers and sent her head spinning with delight. Every inch of her body flared to life at the feel of him, his fingers sliding up from her waist to brush along the underside of her breast. She let out a soft breath at his touch, her body pressing up into him as it begged for more.

Kaidan was drowning in the sensation of her, of the feel of her naked form arching up against him. Passionately, he devoured her lips, kissing her thoroughly and deeply as he tried to drink his fill of her. He would never be full of her. Desire raged inside him, his need driving him as he craved to hear the sounds of her pleasure fill the room. He wanted to taste every inch of her and relearn every line of her body.

Breaking from the kiss, he trailed his lips over her jaw and her neck, the salty taste of her skin mixing with her scent to drive him wild. There was no part of her that wasn't intoxicating and irresistible. He was like a starving man with a feast laid out before him. How he'd gone so long without her, he couldn't fathom.

His lips trailed lower, leaving in their wake a line of kisses and loving nips long her neck and down across her collarbone. Every touch seared her skin and drew out a longing that seemed to come from her soul. He knew just how to touch her to stoke the flames of her desire into a raging inferno.

When his lips found her breast, she sucked in a sharp breath as she felt his fingers brush over her other nipple. Instantly her body responded, the soft flesh hardening into a sharp nub under his touch. Her body arched when she felt his fingers close on the rigid peak and tug at it while the warmth of his mouth closed over the other. A breathy whimper broke from her lips as her hand plunged into his hair, tugging at the silken locks beneath her fingers.

Her breasts swelled as his tongue licked and laved expertly against her nipple before releasing it and switching his attentions to the other. She shuddered as she felt the cool air rush over the wet flesh he'd just abandoned. Her yearning consumed her as desire tightened low in her core. She ached for him to take her, to feel him fill her and complete her once more. Her hips tilted up into his as her body writhed beneath him, her body begging for what only he could give her.

A deep, guttural groan broke from his lips at the way her body responded beneath him, the heat of her core brushing against his arousal. His fingers tightened against her hip as she incited his passions and sent his need into overdrive. He wanted to savor the moment, draw out her pleasure for as long as he could while making sweet, thorough love to her. But the intense longing to take her, to feel her body wrap around him and welcome him was too much. He needed to lose himself with her until she completely ensconced him with everything that was her.

There would be time for slow and tender later.

Releasing her nipple from his mouth, he brought his head to hover over hers as he looked down into her eyes. They shimmered brightly beneath her dark lashes, so white they seemed ethereal with the hunger in their depths. She was entrancing and it only fueled his craving for her.

He let out another groan as he felt her lift her hips again, sliding the head of him along her moist folds as she tempted and teased him. His fingers dug into her hips tighter at the sensation as his other hand slipped between their bodies. His thumb brushed over her clit briefly as he spread her lips and positioned himself at her entrance. Immediately he could feel how ready she was for him.

Kaidan's gaze remained locked with hers, and in that moment she could see the primal look that flared to life in his eyes. It told her he had lost himself to his need for her. It matched her own and made her body sing in anticipation as her leg wrapped around his waist.

He lowered his head, his lips claiming hers in a deep kiss as he surged forward, seating himself deep inside her in one swift thrust. Her body jerked as a cry of pleasure burst from her lips into the kiss. He stilled inside her, letting her body adjusting to the feel of him filling her. Still his gaze held hers as he held her lips trapped against his, the intensity of the moment washing over them both.

It was pure heaven like Kiara had never experienced. She welcome him inside her as his body shook with need. It took everything he had to give her that moment. When it had passed, she deepened the kiss and tugged at him with her leg around his hip.

She had taken her time to bask in the moment but soon her need overpowered everything. She needed him like she'd never needed anything else before. She ached to feel him move inside her, to claim her as his and lose control to the passion that burned between them.

He complied, more than eager as he pulled out of her and then began to move. Her channel gripped his length as he drove himself into her, hot and tight walls pulsing around him as they drew him in. She consumed him, fueled him as he found sanctuary in her embrace.

Kiara's arms wrapped around him as his arms slid around her, pulling her tight against him as he buried himself in her depths. Every thrust stoked her desire higher as the ecstasy coiled low in her stomach. They clung to each other desperately, their bodies surging and coming together in a fierce way. Neither knew where one ended and the other began.

It was intense and primal as his body burned with a frantic need to fill her. Their kiss broke as he bowed his head beside her, husky grunts of pleasure breaking from his lips as the sensations threatened to overtake him. There wasn't an inch of her he didn't want to savor as his lips brushed over her neck, tasting her skin. She was heaven and pleasure and sinful ecstasy wrapped up in an enticing and sensual package that threatened everything he thought he knew.

His pace increased as he rammed his hips into hers, spearing her with pleasure that only made her cries come louder for him. All thoughts were drowned from her mind and she was filled with only the agonizingly heady feel of him possessing her. Her fingers dug into his shoulders, the hard muscles rippling with his movements beneath the smooth skin as she clung to him for dear life.

Desire raged inside her and coiled tight until she could barely breath, her body writhing and twisting as her hips rolled up into his thrusts. She wanted it to last forever, suspended in the paradise his embrace brought her, but she didn't know how much longer she could hold out. She rasped his name as she felt her body begin to tighten beneath him.

He was unable to stop the groans of pleasure that tore from his lips and rippled along her skin as he tasted her flesh, feeling her body riding him as hard as he rode her. He fought to prolong the moment as long as he could but the moment her the walls of her sex clamped down around him, the battle was lost. Drawing his head back, he looked deep into her eyes as his thrusts grew quick and shallow as he took her.

Kiara held his gaze, the dark heavy lines of desire and pleasure etched in his amber depths. He was breathtaking, a god of pleasure come to claim her body. She was entranced by the way his skin glowed, blue energy swirling around him and cloaking him like a second skin. It was until she looked between them, at their bodies joining, that she realized she was glowing as well, her own energy swirling around her.

Kaidan bent down, possessively taking her lips in a hungry kiss as their tongues battled and entwined in time with their bodies. The blue swirls around them danced and clashed against each other as the edge of their orgasms prickled, driving them higher and making the ascent steeper.

With a final thrust, her body exploded in a climax so intense she saw only stars as her cries tore her lips from his to fill the room. Stilling inside her, Kaidan cried out in his own ecstasy. The energy around them opened at the moment of their peak and wrapped around them, encasing them in a shroud of unparalleled bliss as it merged and melded together. It suspended them, prolonging their pleasure, as Kiara felt the thickness of him pulse and empty himself inside her.

Kaidan's lips found hers once again as he held her close, kissing her with a depth of passion that pulled at her soul as the blue energy around them dissipated. Still breathing hard, neither could bring themselves to break the kiss for long, their gazes locked as they let themselves bask in the cocoon their lovemaking had created around them.

What had been frantic and urgent was now slow and languid, their tongues exploring and relearning while their hands caressed each other tenderly. It was intimate and deep, as if each stroke of skin was balming her soul. Her heart opened to him fully as she found her haven in his. No words were needed. They both knew something had changed and bound them together on a level deeper than either could fathom, and neither regretted a single moment of it.

Kiara felt an aftershock of her climax pulse through her, her inner muscles rippling around the feel of him still inside her. Kaidan let out a groan at the feel of her and chuckled as he kissed her deeply. Slowly he slid out of her, a moan leaving her lips as he moved to lay beside her. Turning on his side, he faced her as she rolled over to face him.

Like magnets, their bodies found each other again, a leg to drape over hers as her own came to nestle between his thighs. Entwined together, they just smiled and basked in the moment. Her fingers caressed down over his arm and up his chest as his own hands roamed up and down across her back and hips. They reveled in the moment, their lips lazily exploring each other.

A peace settled into Kiara she'd never thought she'd feel again as she brought a hand up to brush against his cheek and into his hair. His amber eyes kept hers ensnared. It felt like a dream yet the feel of his hard body wrapped around hers felt too real to be one. No, it wasn't a dream. She had him in her arms. He was hers. There was no escaping him. Not then. Not ever. He held her heart and soul in the palm of his hands and she knew there was no safer place for it.

Kaidan smiled softly at the look of pure, unadulterated love that poured from her and fused into his soul. She took his breath away and empowered him. In her arms, he felt like he could do anything or be anything.

He dipped his head forward again. Kiara expected another kiss but instead she felt him bury his nose in the crook of her neck as he nuzzled against her ear, his arms tightening around her, "I've missed you, Kiara. Can you ever forgive me?"

Slowly her eyes closed as she curled into him more, her own arms tightening around him in the embrace. The sheer force of love she felt in that moment nearly brought her tears as she pressed her lips to his shoulder and whispered, "Only if you can forgive me. I love you, Kaidan. I missed you so much."

Kaidan closed his eyes and let out a content sigh. Though outside her cabin hell raged over the galaxy, within the confines of the room, everything was right and as it should be. He finally had Shepard in his arms again. He'd made the mistake of letting her go once but he had no intention of ever letting her go again.

Slowly he pulled away from her to look at her. Her eyes opened and met his with a well pleasured smile on her lips. The sight of her laying there, lips swollen from their kisses and her hair wild around her face, stirred his desire for her awake once more. He doubted he could ever get his fill of the woman in his arms.

A thrilling shiver pulsed through her body as she saw his desire flare in his gaze. Before either realized it, their lips drew together again as her leg moved out from between his and draped over his hip. Immediately she felt his shaft swelling against her and she let out a breathy gasp as it twitched against her sex.

Wrapped in each other's arms, they came together again in the sheets of the bed. Time faded to nothing as they caressed and joined, entangled and entwined until neither had any sense of time or location. It was a slow and thorough lovemaking as both savored every moment. Once more, as their climaxes peaked, they felt their biotic energies surge through them, melding together and heightening the experience of the pleasure they found.

When they collapsed against each other a second time, a waved of exhaustion washed over them as they curled up. It wasn't long before Kaidan noticed her breathing had grown steady and even with the breath of sleep. Grabbing the blanket, he brought it up to cover them as he relaxed back onto the bed.

Kaidan didn't fight the sleep as he let his eyes fall closed, a peace washing over him at the feel of Kiara in his arms.


	23. Duty Calls

Early the next morning, Kiara found herself waking naturally. For the first time since Earth was attacked, she woke feeling rested and rejuvenated. Not a single nightmare had threatened her sleep. Slowly her world around her started to come into focus as the familiar scent of spices and warm metal filled her senses. A moment later she felt the sensation of the strong, sure arms of Kaidan wrapped around her.

It'd been too long since she'd felt this happy and she didn't want it to end. He felt good against her. Curled against him, she was safe and secure, like nothing could reach her. She was content to let them stay like that forever.

But a war still raged outside and the soft beep of her comm reminded her of it, ending the period of peace they'd managed to cloister themselves away into. Joker's voice piped in, but it was a quiet whisper, "Liara wants to speak with you, Commander. She says it's urgent." She smiled warmly at the support of her friend and the way he whispered into the room. She should have known he'd known what happened between her and Kaidan.

"Tell her I'll be right there," Shepard responded softly, kept her voice low as the comm clicked off and she turned to look at Kaidan beside her. His breathing was deep and even as he remained sleeping. He looked at peace. She ran her fingers through a soft lock of his salt and pepper hair. Though she missed his pure black, she couldn't deny the grey and silver peppering the black looked good on him. She wondered when her grey hairs would start to show the mused that she was surprised her hair wasn't as white as her eyes by now.

Bending her head down, she placed a gentle kiss upon his lips before carefully slipping out of his arms. When he didn't stir, she smiled, glad he was getting his rest. Though she loathed to leave him, she had her duties. Dressing quickly, she made her way out of her quarters and down to Liara's.

When she arrived and learned about the message Liara had received, the news wasn't good. Asari High Command had lost contact with one of their monasteries and was asking if the Normandy could investigate. At first, Shepard had been hesitant to go but Liara assured her that they wouldn't have asked if it wasn't extremely important. Given they needed to do all they could to garner more support with the asari, she agreed to go.

They ended up locked in a meeting for a couple hours as Liara briefed her on all the information she'd gathered from her resources. Finally, when the meeting was over, Shepard sighed and charted the course before returning to Kaidan.

When she didn't find him in her cabin, furrowed her brow and went to look for him. She found him in the starboard observation lounge curled up in a corner with a book in his lap, his attention focused on the page before him. He looked relaxed and happy and it made her smile.

As she approached him, he smiled at her as he looked up from his book, "Hey there."

"Hey," she said, bending down to press her lips to his in a brief but tender kiss, "just checking in."

He smiled at the kiss, "Mmm, I'm glad. Say, you, uh…you left without waking me," he teased as he set the book to the side. Reaching up, he hooked an arm around her waist and pulled her down to sit on his lap. Resting her arms around the back of his neck, she marveled at the way they were able to fall back together so easily. It was the most natural thing in the world for her being with him.

Shepard looked into his eyes, "Didn't have the heart," she confessed. He had looked so peaceful, there was no way she had wanted to disturb it.

His arms settled around her waist as he drew her closer, chuckling. "Well thanks but next time…" his grinned mischievously, as his voice dropped to a level meant just for her, "wake me."

"Oh?" she asked playfully, her fingertips running through the hair at the nape of his neck.

"Mmmhmm," he responded, tugging her closer as she fell down into him, her lips meeting his as he kissed her deeply. She lost herself in it and they remained like that for a long time before she lazily pulled back. She didn't want the kiss to end but the monastery wasn't far from where they'd been. She knew they'd be there soon.

"What I wouldn't give to spend the day like this with you," she said, caressing his cheek tenderly. "Asari High Command wants us to investigate a monastery they lost contact with, though. Seems pretty high priority. We'll be there soon."

Kaidan's brow wrinkled in a frown as she went on to brief him on everything Liara had informed her of during their meeting. At the end, he nodded, "Then we better get ready."

Shepard nodded and leaned in to kiss him once more, savoring it for as long as she could before breaking from it and standing up. She jumped a bit when she felt him playfully smack her ass. She looked back over her shoulder and laughed as she shook her head.

"What?" he asked innocently, letting the sound of her laughter and the radiance of her smile soak into him, "Got to keep you on your toes somehow."

She grinned and rolled her eyes as she left to head to the cargo bay to suit up. 


	24. The Monastery

Shepard never thought she'd see the day when Samara would have rather taken her own life rather than fulfill her code. She'd know how hard the death of Morinth had hit her, and now with the added pain of losing Rila...Shepard couldn't fathom what she was going through. She was just glad her other daughter, Falere, was still there and that a way to fulfill the code had been found that hadn't required either of them to take their lives.

The happy ending, however, was dimmed greatly by what they discovered there. The Reapers had…

Shepard paused as elevator doors opened on the crew deck, the thought of what they had done making her sick. Powerful biotic monstrosities created out of the Ardat-Yakshi with a screech that still echoed in her mind. They were grotesque and one look at them reaffirmed that the Reapers were truly evil. Just what they needed, more nightmares in the galaxy by those fiends.

On her way to the mess hall, she turned the corner and collided right into Kaidan. "Oh, hey," she said.

"Hey," his voice solemn. He looked like she felt. He'd been there with her on the mission and it only took one glance to know the creatures they'd encountered haunted him as much as her. "That was a rough mission," he said, "The Reapers are an ingenious and ruthless enemy." He looked down, "Poor Rila. Ingenious and ruthless…the worst kind of enemy."

Shepard couldn't argue as she looked down also and nodded, "Yes they are."

Kaidan tried to shake what they found at the monastery from his head as he tried to muster up some humor to break the heaviness. He smirked as he thought of the asari who'd lived there, "Never met a real Ardat-Yakshi…not that I know of, anyway. Think I dodged a bullet there."

Shepard couldn’t help but smile at that, "Oh you did. I helped Samara track down her eldest daughter, Morinth, on Omega when we were going after the Collectors." Shepard gestured the way she was walking and Kaidan fell in step with her as she made her way to the galley. Sitting down at one of the tables, she remembered that trip. "Not all Ardat-Yakshi choose to remain in a monastery, as required by asari law. Morinth was one. Before those things we encountered, I thought her the purest form of evil out there.

"I don't know how many people she killed. To her kind, its like a drug. When they mate with partners, its not a gentle melding. Its brutal and violent. The victim's brains hemorrhage from it and shortly after, they die. It’s a terrible way to go and with every kill, its like a hit of a drug that only pushes them to continue killing," Shepard remembered Samara telling her about it.

"So I've heard…and you met one of these?" he asked incredulously.

Shepard nodded, "Not just that…" she rubbed the back of her neck and winced, wondering if she wanted to admit it to him, "I…might have used myself as bait to lure her out."

"You what?" Kaidan asked in surprise. He knew, better than most, that when it came to Shepard, she could use a lot of unconventional methods to get her missions done but being bait for an Ardat-Yakshi was risky, even for her. "What happened?"

"I went to her hunting grounds, a VIP part of Afterlife on Omega station. I had to work a bit to get her attention. She took an interest and I tried to seduce her, or rather…entice her enough to try to seduce me," Shepard admitted, looking down. "I'd learned all I could about her and used that knowledge to get her to invite me back to her apartment. That was where Samara and I planned to confront her but we knew we had to be careful. If she suspected we were after her, she would've gone to ground and disappeared."

Kaidan listened in disbelief, trying to ignore the tinge of jealousy at the thought of Shepard trying to seduce - or be seduced - by someone else. He knew they'd been apart, had said their goodbyes. Hell, he'd practically thrown what they'd once had in her face. Still, it bothered him. He knew it was only part of a plan to take this Morinth down, but he didn't like the thought of what could have happened…Ardat-Yakshi or not.

"It worked and we went back to her apartment. It was eerie how smooth she was. She was mesmerizing and appealing in the most exquisite ways. It was like she said all the right the things and knew just to manipulate the situation to draw you in. She was powerful and I admit, even I wasn't entirely able to be resistant to her pull. Yet when she tried to use her ability on me, to truly pull me under her spell, I was able to find the strength to resist," Shepard said, looking up to Kaidan after giving a small shrug as if it had been nothing.

"How? If she was that powerful, how did you resist her?" he asked, searching her gaze.

"You," she said simply, unable to pull her gaze away from his. "An image of you flashed in my mind and with it came everything I felt about you, the good and the bad. I remembered myself and who I was and what I stood for. I drew on the strength you'd always given me and resisted her. Samara came in then and before I knew it, Morinth was dead."

Kaidan sat there in shock. He'd been the reason she was able to resist an Ardat-Yakshi? He smiled warmly, the jealousy fading out of him as he reached over and took her hand. He was grateful they were alone in the mess hall, for the moment. "I'm sorry you had to go through that alone," he said, letting her see how much him not being there for her bothered him.

"I wasn't entirely alone. I had my crew and my friends but thank you. It was hard not having you there. We're good together. You keep me on track when I think I might fall off it," Shepard said as she laced her fingers with his, "I'm glad you're here now. I can't imagine facing what we have to face without you by my side."

"I feel the same way, Shepard…" he said softly, stroking the back of her hand with his thumb. The sound of a door sliding open nearby pulled them out of their little bubble as they released hands and smiled to each other.

She stood up, "I should get to Liara. I want to check on her and see how she's handling seeing her people changed like that. Catch you later?" she asked.

"Oh, most definitely," Kaidan said with a seductive little smile that sent a shiver running through her.

She smiled, the promise in her tone echoing the seductive smile he'd given her, "I'll see you later."

"Count on it."


	25. Silence

Silence.

Once again the eerie silence of the vacuum of space clung around Shepard as an unexpected anxiety rose up in her.

 _What the hell?_ She thought as she tried to get control of herself. It wasn’t like she hadn't space walked a hundred times before but for some reason, as she tried to walk across the docking tube to reach the Geth Dreadnaught, everything about the experience was throwing her off-kilter. With every step, slow and heavy as her mag-boots clung to the metal beneath her feet, she fought to bring her pulse down.

"Shepard, I'm reading elevated heartrate and an increase in your adrenaline and cortisol hormones. Your respiratory system has also increased its intake of oxygen. I sense no external reason for the this response. Are you alright, Commander?" EDI's voice asked, piping in through the comm in her helmet.

"I'm fine, EDI. How are we looking out there? And signs we've been detected?" she asked, trying to get the focus off of her. She didn't know why her stress was so high but it was definitely elevating. She had a driving instinctual need to get to dreadnought as soon as possible.

"Our stealth systems are still engaged. I show no signs that we have been detected," EDI informed her, "Your internal scans are showing, however, that you are not alright, Shepard. Perhaps you should turn around. We will find an alternate route onto the ship."

"I'm fine, EDI!" Shepard say, harsher than she had intended. No response came.

In the airlock, Kaidan shared a glance with Tali as they waited for Shepard to secure the docking tube. Kaidan knew something was wrong and it set him on edge. He didn't need EDI's report on her physiological state to tell him something was wrong. He could hear it in her voice. She never snapped but something had her distressed.

One step at a time she continued to push herself down the docking tube and make her way to the dreadnought. The silence outside her suit was eerie but it was her own breathing inside her helmet that was ramping up her anxiety. Her suit began to feel too tight, her helmet cloying. Even though she knew there was a steady stream of air circulating in her suit, her lungs began to burn and struggle to grasp for it.

 _What the fuck, Shepard, get yourself together,_ she thought as she tried to slow her breathing.

A glance to her right at the ship helped her focus away from the claustrophobia that was threatening to overtake her. "No wonder the quarians were having trouble," she reported back to the Normandy, "That ship is enormous."

"It is thirty percent larger than an Alliance dreadnought," EDI informed her.

Shepard struggled to keep her anxiety at bay as she thought about the quarians and how they'd jumped into a war with Geth. It was stupid and it angered her. The Reapers were invading the galaxy, looking to wipe out everything organic in existence, and the quarians thought it was a good time to retake their homeworld.

She wanted to help them. Hackett had ordered her to see what they could to do to help the Migrant Fleet in the hopes of reciprocated support with their own war efforts. Shepard had seen the state of fleet, though, and she didn't know what she could do to help them in the long run, let alone secure their help for the war against the Reapers. She would do what she could, like stopping the Reaper signal that was broadcasting across the geth, but beyond that wondered if the quarians would make it out alive from this war they'd started.

She shook her head as she continued down the tube. Though she knew she was getting closer, her destination was feeling further and further away. A sight to her left caught her gaze and she looked, the view of Rannoch - the quarian homeworld. "Tali," she called back to the Normandy, "you're going to like the view."

"Better than a vid?" her quarian friend asked back.

"Much."

She was proud of everything Tali had accomplished. She'd come a long way since her days on her pilgrimage. Not only was she an expert on the geth but she had also been made an Admiral in place of her father who had died seven months prior.

Slowly Shepard continued to make her way forward, each minute getting closer to the end of the tube. She kept reminding herself she was almost there. Between that reassurance and the bits of conversation she had, she was managing to keep herself in check. She didn't know why this was bothering her so bad but she knew it wasn't the time to try to figure it out.

Kaidan tried to contain his worry as he stood on the bridge, watching Shepard's vital signs on the console. Whatever she was going through, she was containing it, but even so her stress levels were far beyond the levels they should have been. There were no indications that something had happened, her suit seeming to be fully intact and functioning, yet everything on the display showed she wasn't okay.

"How are you doing, Shepard?" Tali asked and Shepard could hear the worry in her tone.

"The lack of gravity is a little disorienting," the Commander said, trying to reassure them all she was fine and it was nothing. It definitely wasn't fine but she didn't want them to know. How could she explain it when she didn't know the reason herself?

"The dreadnought has artificial gravity. You should be okay once you're on board," Tali notified her.

"Until then, I'll make do with mag-boots."

"Hey, take your time, Commander. We're fine until they, you know, look out a window," Joker piped into the comm. Kaidan shot him a look and a shake of head as if admonishing him. Muting the comm, Joker looked at him, "What? She needs to be distracted. I'm trying to distract her."

"By reminding her there's a time limit?" Kaidan said wryly with a frown, though it couldn't be seen behind his helmet.

"Geth don't use windows, remember?" Shepard chimed in, reminding him of what Legion had told them, "Structural weakness."

Joker unmuted the comm, "Like the geth are just sitting there saying, 'Those organics would never try the no-windows thing twice!'"

Shepard laughed and was about to toss back a witty retort when suddenly the tube came apart under her feet. Panic coursed through her as she gave as much of a push off towards the door as she could before her mag-boots released.

For a moment she felt the weightlessness of no gravity and all of a sudden, in her mind, she was no longer on her way to the dreadnought. She was back on the first Normandy and the moment when her mag-boots had released from the floor of her ship. She could feel the heat from the fires licking her suit as the explosion racked her body and propelled her into open space.

All she could hear was her breathing and the hissing sound of her oxygen line rupturing. She felt the panic and the dread course through her. She fought and struggled but somehow, somewhere, knew that it wasn't real. That it wasn't happening again.

As if from a distance, she could hear Kaidan's voice in her helmet, "Shepard! What's happening?" his voice threaded with worry and urgency. She clung to the sound of his voice and let it pull her back from the panic and the memories that consumed her and tried to drag her under.

She felt the solid weight of metal beneath her feet as her mag-boots re-magnetized. The flashback faded as she saw the door to the dreadnought once more. She'd made it. She was on solid footing again. Shepard tried to catch her breath as it remained erratic. She could hear her heart pounding in her ears and filling the void of silence that surrounded outside of her.

"Shepard!" Kaidan called out again, pushing off from the back of Joker's seat and rushing to the airlock. "What's happening, EDI? Why isn't she responding?" Fear coursed through him. He hadn't liked the thought of her going over alone but after hearing the report that the docking tube had broken off from the ship, his fear had taken over.

He couldn't lose her again.

"It's alright," Shepard's voice came in shakily over the comms and a part of the tension left Kaidan's shoulders. "Looks like the rest of the team isn't using the docking tube."

Though she kept her voice as controlled as she could, Kaidan could tell she was far from okay. Shepard was not a woman who let anything get to her on a mission and doing a space walk was always a piece of cake. What had changed?

"So I'm guessing you'd rather not solo the dreadnought," Joker quipped as he and EDI started looking for alternative ways to get the rest of the team on board. Kaidan's own anxiety was through the roof wanting to get to her as quickly as possible.

It took Tali placing a hand on his shoulder to calm him down and refocus him. He had to focus. They were in the middle of a war and, especially with Shepard and her recklessness at times, he needed to be able to trust she could handle herself. There would be times she would be on her own or injured and he couldn't lose himself during those times. He needed to keep himself in check. If not, then he needed to recuse himself from missions.

He thought about the regs that had kept them apart in the beginning. Though they were too far gone to let them get in the way anymore, he definitely had more understanding of why they were there in the first place. They could do it, he knew they could, but he was seeing, and feeling, the dangers it posed.

"Not if I can help it," Shepard said over the comms, breaking him from his thoughts. Her breathing came a little more under control as she focused on the solid metal beneath her feet and tried not to think about the closeness of her helmet and suit. "Ask Tali to get on the dreadnought schematics. If she can point me at another docking tube, I'll override the controls and let the boarding party on."

Within a few steps she reached the airlock and opened the doors. It was only when they closed behind her that she let out a breath of relief. She understood the anxiety now and the cause of everything. It wasn't the first time she'd had to use her mag-boots and deal with no air or gravity since the Normandy went down. But it had been the closest she'd came to experiencing what she had gone though when it was destroyed.

She thought she had processed through what had happened. She didn't realize it still affected her so much. Was it because Kaidan was back in her life? She couldn't say. She only knew that as soon as she felt the artificial gravity take over on the ship, she felt better. "I'm inside," she informed the Normandy as she brought up her rifle, "I've got gravity again."

With every step into the dreadnought, Shepard was able to get more control over her anxiety. By the time she made it to the console outside the next docking tube that Tali led her to, she felt as close to normal as she could. Memories still echoed in her mind from the flashback she'd had but she worked hard to push them to the side.

Kaidan was the first through the airlock when it opened, Tali take the flank. He wasted no time walking up to her and looking up at the platform she stood on. It wasn't until he saw her, hale and whole, that a tightness released from his chest. He could see the tension still in her shoulders but she looked to be in one piece. "You okay, Commander?" he asked as he started to climb the ladder up to her level.

"Better now," she said, the tension leaving her shoulders at the sight of him. She wanted nothing more than to step into the comfort of his arms and let him hold her until the memories went away but there was a mission to do. She would let the emotions out later to be processed. Nothing would get in the way of completing the mission and stopping the Reaper broadcast signal.

Kaidan shared a look with her through the visors of their helmets then gave her a nod. He could see something had happened that bothered her but it would be discussed later. They had a mission and he knew she wouldn't let anything get in the way of completing her mission.


	26. Even Heroes Break Sometimes

Shepard wanted to be angry at the Han'Garrel but she couldn't be. He had launched a full scale attack on the dreadnought while they'd still been on board. Luckily, they had managed to escape unharmed and the dreadnought had been destroyed. She understood his reasoning. The mission parameters had changed and an opportunity had presented itself. She didn't know if she would have made the same decision, but she understood his motivations behind him making them.

She was also too tired to argue over something that was in the past. She had enough of the past haunting her all over again, she didn't have the energy to push the matter over the assault further. They were alive and they had escaped.

As she left the war room after her debrief with the Legion and the quarians, she found Kaidan leaning against the glass wall of the conference area. She knew the look on his face. She could see the worry and upset etched deeply into its lines. She let out a sigh and gestured her head for him to follow her as they passed through the security checkpoint and headed for the elevators. She knew he was going to want to talk to her about what happened on the dreadnought but that was going to be a private discussion, if she even could find a way to talk about it.

"You have messages on your private terminal, Commander," Specialist Traynor informed her. Shepard gave a wave of acknowledgement to it then boarded the lift.

Soon after they entered the elevator, it reopened to her cabin doors as she stepped out and punched in the code to unlock her quarters. Kaidan followed behind and the doors slid shut behind him did he finally speak, "What the hell happened, Shepard? And don't tell me nothing happened, because it did." He tried to measure his worry but all it did was make the words come out in frustration.

Shepard kicked off her boots and padded over to where the bottle of whiskey and two glasses were stashed. She poured the amber liquid into the glasses then turned around and offered one to Kaidan. He accepted it but he didn't take a drink as he watched her, waiting for her answer.

Shepard raised the glass and downed the liquid she'd poured into it before refilling it. Once it was filled, she walked over to the fish tank and watched as her pets danced in the water. She didn't speak as she tried to find the words to describe what she was still trying to figure out. Her memories flashed back to the Normandy and the feeling of floating adrift she had felt. She closed her eyes, trying to bar out the sound of hissing that filled her head one more, and the dread she felt wash over her of knowing she was going to die. It was like the memory was trying to drag her back under, trick her into thinking she was back in the moment.

Kaidan stepped up to her and touched her shoulder gently. At the sudden touch, she gasped and jerked away from him, fear flashing in her eyes. The sight floored him. He'd never seen her like this before. The fear dissipated as tears began to well. It tore at his heart, another sight he'd never seen before.

She looked away, closing her eyes as she tried to get control over her emotions, but they were threatening to eat her alive. In her mind raged a war between reality and what her memories wanted her to think was reality. It was confusing and terrifying. Her hand holding the glass of whiskey trembled as she tried to hide her tears from Kaidan. What the hell was happening to her? Even after Akuze it had been nothing like this.

Kaidan took her glass from her hand and set both his and hers on the table before returning to her. He said nothing as he turned her to face him and wrapped his arms around her. She tried to pull away but he just drew her in close and held her tight against until he felt her shoulders drop in resignation. Only then did she give into the hug as she buried her face against his chest, her arms folded between them as if she was trying to curl into a small ball. It took him a moment to notice her shoulders shaking when she began to cry.

Whatever had been holding them at bay, Shepard lost all control of them the minute she felt Kaidan's arms wrap around her. He was her haven, her sanctuary. His arms gave her strength and protected her and it wasn't until she felt him that she realized how raw and vulnerable she felt; how much she needed his protection. Everything was on the surface and she was opened wide, the pages of her book bared for anyone to see.

But it wasn't just anyone who was looking. It was Kaidan and he held her as if he would never let her go. As if he would battle whatever demons she faced at her side without faltering. It was that strength, that feeling that he would protect her, that unleashed the floodgates as the tears came. How could he battle these demons with her though, when they existed solely in her head? Everything since Saren came crashing down around her, threatening to pull her under. It was only Kaidan and his steadiness that kept her from completely drowning.

Kaidan just held her and let her cry. He was worried about her but something told him she needed this. She was the strongest person he knew and he'd always marveled at how she'd been able to hold it together. The fact she let down her walls and didn't try to hold it all together this time only made her seem stronger in his opinion. No one was perfect and no one was completely impervious to the world around them.

Kiara had been through more than most and still she was standing, taking everything the Reapers threw at the galaxy head on. She was fearless and unstoppable. It only made sense that sometimes the weight of it all would become too much.

He just held her in silence as she cried and slowly the sobs began to lighten. He made no move to speak or the change anything as he kept his arms securely around her, his hand the only thing moving as it stroked her back while his lips pressed to the top of her head. Long after the tears had stopped, she remained there and he had no intention of disturbing her.

"I remembered…" Shepard said softly, her voice muffled against his chest. His t-shirt was drenched in her tears but he didn't care. He only cared about her and making sure she was alright. "I thought I had gotten over what had happened, what it felt like when the Normandy was destroyed…"

His words stilled his hand that stroked her back as he remembered that day, Joker screaming her name an echo in his memory he'd never been able to shake. Kaidan remained silent though and just let her speak. What had happened to bring it up?

"It was so silent, all around me. Even the explosion that threw me from the ship were muted. I remember feeling the heat of the fire and the impact of debris knocking against me…then…there was nothing. No heat. No debris. Just the emptiness of space…"

Her words hit him as he closed his eyes. He didn't want to hear it but he forced himself to remain for her. His mind had conjured enough images about what he had thought had happened to her. For nearly two years he had thought of everything she could have gone through when she died, even prayed once or twice she had been killed immediately by the blast, rather than accept she had drifted in space. Hearing his worst nightmares had happened was almost too much for him to bear.

Yet he knew she needed this. She need to speak about it and he would let her. She swallowed hard as she continued, unmoving from where she clung to him with her face against his chest. He opened his eyes and glanced down briefly and saw her eyes open but they held a distant look, as if the memories were replaying in her mind. "I could hear my breathing, heavy in my helmet as my heart thundered in my ears. Even then, I fought to find something, anything, to grab on to. To cling to…but there was nothing. Then I heard the hissing…"

Kaidan clenched eyes tight as he tried to steel himself against the pain of that revelation. He knew the next words before they came out of her mouth, "My oxygen line had ruptured. I fought to find the hole, to plug it somehow but it wasn't just one. It was many. So…so many. Yet I kept fighting, I couldn't stop fighting…" The tears resumed as he felt her pull back slightly as she looked up into his eyes.

"All I could think about was that I had to fight…to get back to you. I remember my lungs b….burning in my chest," she closed her eyes, bringing a hand to rest over her heart as pain etched into her face. The tears continued to roll down her cheeks, "then the darkness came and it just…washed over me. There was no more pain. No burning, no…no fear. Just silence…" she opened her eyes and pulled them back up to his, "…and your face in my mind...then…nothing."

She drew in a ragged breath as she looked down to his chest, bringing both her hands to rest against the solid wall of muscle beneath them. She took strength from him and his embrace, even as the memory tormented her. Yet even as she pushed at the memories, their fight was less. It was as if somehow putting it to words and saying it allowed had lessened the ache of it. She sniffled as she let out a breath and looked up into his eyes once more.

"When I was in that docking tube, I don't why but everything seemed like it was closing around me. I felt like I couldn't breath and my lungs burned. I could hear my breath, rasping in my ears again as it fought against the beating of my heart. I fought to bring it under control but it was like that day was trying to drag me under. And…" she took a breath, her body shaking slightly.

"And…when the tube broke off, for a moment I was free floating again and it all hit. Every aspect of that moment before I died assaulted me and pulled me in. Every emotion, every sensation, every thought. It was like I was back there, dying all over again," she closed her eyes tight as she tried to banish the images that resurfaced.

Kaidan's hand rubbed against her back soothingly, giving her an anchor to cling to. After a few minutes, she slowly opened her eyes and looked back to him. There was only a steady understanding beneath a wash of pain he fought not to show her. In that moment, she realized the impact on him of what she had shared.

Her heart broke as she recognized the pain she'd caused him by sharing. She hadn't intended to reopen those wounds. It was a sensitive subject for them both but before she realized it, everything had come tumbling out into the haven his arms had given her. She had experienced dying but then there had been only silence and nothingness afterwards until she woke up in the Cerberus lab. He had to live through the aftermath of her death for two years.

Shepard brought her hand up to cup his cheek, "Kaidan, I'm sorry. I didn't…" she let out a breath, not knowing what to say. She hadn't wanted to cause him pain.

He brought a hand to cover hers on his cheek as he gave a soft smile, "Its okay. I…I'm the one who is sorry. I tried to imagine what you went through but I never…I couldn't…we never found…" he struggled to find the words as he let out a breath. Releasing her hand, he reached over and stroked her cheek tenderly with his thumb before dropping it and sliding his arm around her again to pull her closer. The guilt that he hadn't fought to stay at her side resurfacing once more, "I am sorry you had to go through that."

Kiara could see the agony in his eyes and she shook her head, "Don't do that, Kaidan. Don't blame yourself. There was nothing you could have done. Had you stayed, there's no guarantee anything would have ended up differently. You could have died too. You did the right thing, Kaidan…"

Letting out a sigh, Kaidan closed his eyes. He remembered that day all too well. Being with her again, having her in his arms had faded the bulk of the pain from it, but the memories had been his constant companion for over two years. They would never go away completely. The pain of losing her had been unbearable. Slowly he opened his eyes and searched out hers, "I did die, though. The moment I lost you, the moment I heard Jeff screaming your name, I died." His arms tightening around her more as if he fought to cling to her, as if releasing her, he would loose her forever.

Kiara swallowed the lump that had suddenly risen in her throat as she slipped her arms to wrap around the back of his neck. They were already so close but she tugged him against her, not wanting a single breath of space between them. She wanted him to feel that she was there and that she wasn’t going anywhere. Her heart ached for the pain she saw in his gaze. "I'm here now, Kaidan. You're here now. We're both very much alive and we have each other again," she said, leaning her head forward as she rested her forehead against his. "Lets bury the memory, shove it in the past where it belongs. I don't want it anymore and I don't want you to have it either."

He drew away from her, the pain changing to anger as he looked at her, "I had the chance to have you once before and what did I do? I took the one thing I had prayed to come back to me, you, and I casted you aside like you were nothing. I reject you! I pushed you away and accused you of betraying me…" He let her go as he pushed himself away from her, turning his back and walking across the room. He couldn't stop the barrage of thoughts that he didn't deserve her love or to have her by his side.

Kaidan's anger at himself for everything that had happened came boiling to the surface. He leaned down on the table near her bed as he propped himself up on his arms. He'd thought he had processed through it all, had moved on, but it was clear it still ate at him.

"Kaidan…" Shepard said, her voice closer as she laid a hand on his shoulder.

"Never once had you ever given me reason to doubt you or not trust you. You were always honest and even when I disagreed with you, you let me speak my mind. You never asked for my trust but you always had it. You were always there for me and never once did you ever make me feel like I couldn't trust you with everything…" Kaidan said through gritted teeth, his hands fisting against the glass.

"Then the one time you actually asked me to trust in you…" he fought to finish the sentence, "I accused you of betraying me but I was the one who betrayed you, all because you stood with Cerberus. I couldn't see past my anger and hatred of them and I let that cloud what you were trying to tell me…" he let out a breath, his body taunt with the tension that ran through him.

Seeing him as he was and hearing his words broke Shepard's heart as she listened to him. He might have forgiven her for Horizon, he hadn't forgave himself. Sliding her hand up, she gripped the top of his shoulder and turned him around to face her as she sought out his eyes.

"Kaidan," she said tenderly, "You were there when I died and for two years you had to live with that pain and agony. Then suddenly I wasn't dead but very much alive. You said yourself seeing me standing there threw you for one hell of a loop. You had no way of truly knowing if it was me or just some…construction by Cerberus. I don't blame you, Kaidan. I never did. I was angry you didn't listen but it didn't last. I understood it. Cerberus was…is…they're evil and we both knew it. I was forced to work with them but you had a choice not to. You took that choice. If I had any other options, I would have walked away too."

Kaidan looked at her, wanting to turn away but unable to break from her gaze, "I should have at least stayed to listen. I should have fought harder…for you, for us. Instead I just walked away. What kind of person…does that to someone they love?"

"You held strong to your convictions, Kaidan. Its one of the things I love so much about you. You hold tight to your beliefs," she cupped his cheek, "You're so strong. You are the only out of us who never had to compromise their convictions or do things that make them question the choice between right or wrong," she said, passion for what she was saying nearly exploding through her words, "You're pure, and good, and the embodiment of everything right in the galaxy. Its that strength that gives me hope, that pushes me through every day knowing that you're at my side now, keeping me on the path of good when so much evil surrounds us."

Kaidan stood in awe at the woman before him. Not minutes before she had been the one falling apart and it had only seemed to make her stronger and more resilient. Now it was his turn to fall apart and as he had been there for her, she was there for him. She spoke about him being her strength but, in truth, she was his. She kept him sane and gave him hope that somehow, some way, they were going to make it through this war victorious.

Love swelled in chest at the sight of her passion and conviction and the love she showed for him. Without another thought, he pulled her hard against him as his lips descended upon hers. It was deserpate and pleading, as if through the kiss their souls were reaching out to each other to balm the aches and blast away the shadows. It was a kiss that stopped time and shattered the very foundation of their world around them. He kissed her with all the love and desire he felt for her, pouring everything that he was into her lips.

Kiara melted into the kiss as her arms wrapped around him, pulling him close as she felt his arms cling desperately to her. She had been surprised when he'd kissed her but before she knew what was happening, she was lost to the feel of him. Where there had been grief and sorrow, pain and misery, now there was only desire and passion, love and an intimacy that transcended everything else.

Hastily they began to discard their clothes, casting them off onto the floor as a raging need consumed them. Before long they found themselves on the bed, limbs tangled as their bodies surged and came together in an explosive clash of fire and desperation. There was nothing gentle or tender about the way they took each other.

It was raw and primal as they fought to drive out the memories that plagued them both. All the pain and agony, the self-loathing and guilt, was torn away and waylaid beneath the force of their joining. By the time they reached their climax, there was nothing left of the horrors that had tormented their souls for so long.

Laying on their backs with her head on his arm, they both worked to catch their breaths as the sheen of sweat that beaded across their bodies began to slowly dry. Neither said a word as they recovered from the sheer force of their orgasms that had thoroughly ravaged their bodies.

Slowly Shepard rolled over and formed her body against his side as she propped her head up on her hand and braced her elbow against the mattress. Her hair was unbound and felt wild around her shoulders, her lips swollen from being thoroughly kissed. A small red mark highlight on her shoulder where he had bit her in the heat of the moment. There was a satisfied haze that still clung to the depths of her eyes as Kaidan looked up at the vision that was the woman who had claimed him, heart and soul.

Reaching up, he lazily raked his fingers through her hair as he smiled, "The things you do to me, Kiara Shepard…"

Kiara grinned at his choice of words, remembering the first night she had said them to him all those years ago when he'd returned to the Normandy from the Citadel. "It's mutual," she replied back, sharing back the response he had given her.

Kaidan's features grew intense as he looked into her eyes, his own conveying the raw depth of his feelings for her, "You make me so happy."

She reached up and caressed his cheek, giving him a warm smile as she bent down and claimed his lips in a tender kiss. It was all the answer he needed as he felt the sentiment echoed in her touch. When she drew back, she lowered her head to his chest and closed her eyes as she settled in against him. A soft, happily contented sigh left her lips that remained curved into a smile.

Kaidan drew her close, kissing the top of her head as he relaxed back into the mattress. Before he knew it, sleep had taken Kiara and quickly began to take him as well as he fell into a deep and peaceful slumber.


	27. What The Hell?

Kaidan still couldn't wrap his head around the last mission. He should have known Shepard wouldn't hesitate to jump head first into a risky venture but trusting herself to a geth made him question just how fast and loose she played with her life.

The whole time she had been in the geth pod, Kaidan had watched over her. Her eyes were closed, as if in sleep, but her eyes moved rapidly beneath her eyelids. Emotions registered on her features as she remained in there, doing whatever it was she was doing. It was a big risk and a huge unknown. He'd been twisted in knots of worry by the time it was over.

She'd come out of it seeming fine but he still was wary and at a loss for what happened. He couldn't even begin to understand it but he couldn't fault the results. The quarian liveships were safe and a squadron of Primes had pledged themselves to fighting the Reapers. A win across the board.

Kaidan looked up from his data pad as Shepard came into the observatory, walking over to him. "What the hell, Shepard? What just happened?" he asked, not hiding the worry on his face. It wasn't until that moment he realized how upset he was at how cavalier she'd been.

She was always doing dangerous stuff, rushing in to risky situations, but it was always her body she put at risk. She knew how to defend herself and use a gun in those situations to protect the rest of her. What bothered him was that she it hadn't been her body she'd thrown into the fray. What had happened on the geth base had been her mind, jumping in without any experience or knowledge of what was going to happen and with no way of defending herself. It was reckless, even for her. "Actually," he said, not wanting his anger to get the better of him, "don't tell me. I've got work to do and I…I can't be distracted."

Shepard could see what happened bothered him and she didn't understand why. The mission had been a success. "I was plugged into the virtual world of the geth consensus. Saw their history, purged a Reaper infection…" she stated plainly, making no apologies for her actions.

"Crap…" he said as he looked at her, the technical part of his mind working on what she said and distracting him from the emotional side of it, "Now I'll be obsessing about how that works instead of doing my Spectre division expense report."

Shepard grinned mischievously, "You're welcome."

Her smile should have helped calm his upset over the whole incident even more but his face dropped when he saw it, instead. How could she grin and be so casual about what had happened? He felt anger simmer again beneath the surface as he looked at her.

Shepard's smile dropped at the way Kaidan looked at her, "What?" she asked sharply. She could see he was angry but she couldn't figure out why.

"You shouldn't have gone into that blind. Who knows what could have happened," Kaidan said, lowering his hand to his side that held the data pad.

"Nothing bad happened though. The mission was a success and I'm perfectly fine. Legion had my back. What the hell, Kaidan?" she asked, her own ire starting to rise, "What is this really about?"

"I'm not even going to touch on the issue of you trusting a geth. This is about you and how you're always charging into things without…" Kaidan stopped himself, trying to find the right words.

"Say it. Toss out what you were going to, Kaidan. 'Without thinking'. That’s what you were going to say, wasn't it? Is that what you think of me? Is that what you think I do?" Shepard accused, her voice raising.

"Don't put words into my mouth, Shepard. That’s not what I was going to say," he warned, feeling the complicated mess of too many emotions swirling around inside him. It was escalating way too fast.

"Then what were you going to say because I'd love to hear it!" Shepard said, her voice nearing a yell. There was something going on, something bigger, and the way his anger pulsed off him set her off like nothing else. He'd never gotten mad at her with the way she did things before. What had changed?

She didn't know what was different now but she didn't like it and she would be damned if she'd let anyone, especially him, try to change how she did things. She'd had enough of people trying to change her. For six months Cerberus had tried to manipulate her and force her hand in directions she hadn't wanted to go.

Normally Kaidan was a man who was very much in control, especially of his emotions. But after everything that had happened over the last three years, all it took was the woman standing before him to make that control vanish. Everything was on the surface when it came to her and seeing her anger as she threw it at him only incited his own.

He had every right to be upset in his mind. He didn't want to worry about her. He didn't want to fear, every time she went on a mission, that she wouldn't come back again. He hated the clawing, tearing feeling in his chest he got every time he thought about losing her again. He trusted her and he knew she could take care of herself, better than most, but there was no shaking the feeling that somehow he was going to lose her again. It was bearable most days, even most missions. He was able to convince himself it was just the past rearing its head and the logical fears that came with it.

Sometimes, though, it was too much. Sometimes he could had an overwhelming urge to lock her away from the galaxy and keep her safe from the hell that raged around them. She was his world, his everything. He'd barely survived losing her the first time and he knew he wouldn't survive losing her again.

Kaidan fisted his hands as the pain and anger that mingled with the frustration and the overwhelming, overpowering distress that pushed at him until finally it snapped. He rose his voice as he lashed out the true core of the matter, "You're always charging into dangerous situations without a second thought or a care about what the hell would happen to the rest of us if you didn't come back!"

In that brief moment, all of the wind in Shepard's sails suddenly died out at his words as her anger fell away immediately. She just stood there, staring at him as he bowed his head and let his shoulders drop in defeat. The raw emotions he bared were nearly palpable. She let out a sigh as she approached him slowly.

How could she have been so blind? Of course that was the core of it. It tore at her heart. "Kaidan…I…" she tried to find the words to argue but there was no argument. She had expected him to accuse her of charging in without thinking, not that.

When she did finally speak again, her voice was soft and understanding, "I do what I do because no one else will. Its not because I don't care what happens to me, or I don't care what would happen to those I care about if something did happen…I do care. I just…I can't think about it when I'm on a mission. The mission always comes first, it has to. Especially now."

She let out a breath, reaching up as she came to stand in front of him. She cupped his cheek and tilted his head up so she could look into his eyes, "I'm sorry though. I…I know I'm reckless at times. Its not because I don't care though. Its because I know it's the only way to get the job done and right now, we need to do whatever it takes to win this war. I don't want to die. I don't want to leave you but I will do whatever needs to be done to ensure that this war is won. To make sure there is a future for the people I love to live in."

Kaidan swallowed against the lump in his throat at her words as he looked into her eyes, "I can't lose you again, Kiara. I can't…I'm not strong enough." He wanted to be angry, to rage at her for being too careless with her own life just for the sake of a mission, but he couldn't. She was right. If she wasn't the someone who would do anything, include making whatever sacrifices were necessary to get the job done, she wouldn't be the Shepard he knew and loved.

"If I have my way, you won't have to. I'm not going down without a fight. You're stuck with me, Kaidan Alenko. I'll do whatever it takes to win this war but I'll also make sure that, at the end of it all, we get the future owed to us," Kiara said, her thumb stroking his cheek. "Besides, I already died once and I wasn't having any of it. Do you really think I'll let Death take me again before I'm damn well ready?"

Kaidan chuckled at her words and could see the fierce determination in her gaze. He knew the look well. It was the look she got when she rejected status quo and made the word 'impossible' seem like a joke. It bolstered him and gave him the resolve, and hope, he needed to push through. Seeing the look in her eyes, he knew he had to let go of his fear. He could worry about her but she'd reminded him of the woman she was. She was resilient and powerful. She laughed in the face of death and gave the Reapers her middle finger just to prove a point.

Leaning in, he wrapped his arms around her waist and pulled her close to him. He rested his forehead against hers and closed his eyes, "You're right. I'm sorry," he opened his eyes and looked into hers. "I love you, Kiara."

Shepard gave him a warm smile as she leaned in and kissed him tenderly, "I love you too. We'll make it through this. We always do."

Kaidan let out a breath and nodded, not wanting to let her go from the embrace. He knew she had reports to file regarding the last mission and he had expense reports to get through. Reluctantly, he released her from his arms and gave her another kiss, lingering it for as long as he could before drawing back. "We should get back to work."

Kiara melted at the kiss, wanting it to last so much longer. She nodded to his words though and headed for the door. Duty called but she knew if she didn't go then, she wouldn't and then neither would be very productive.

"You know," he chuckled as she turned to head out, "entering the geth consensus is gonna be the best chapter in your autobiography."

She laughed and shook her head, "Get back to work, Major." She smiled over her shoulder to him affectionately before heading towards the infirmary.

Before the reports, she needed to see Dr. Chakwas. Kiara hadn't wanted to mention to Kaidan the headache she'd had since she came out of the consensus. He had enough to worry about and already hadn't like what she'd done. She knew it'd go away, but just to be safe she wanted the doc to look at her.

After a thorough checkup, Dr. Chakwas looked at Shepard, "You're going to be fine, Commander. Your L5 implant seems to have taken a bit of shock with the transfer process into the geth consensus so I'd recommend keeping your biotics offline for a day or two to give it a rest. The headache should get better over the next few hours. If it doesn't, return here and we'll take another look at you. All in all, though, I think your cybernetics actually helped you acclimated to the process."

Shepard rubbed her temple as she slipped off the table and made her way towards the door, "Thanks, doc."

"Anytime, Commander. Oh, and when you see Major Alenko, can you tell him to come see me? Dr. V'Leera and I have been wanting to check on his implant since he got out of the hospital but he's been avoiding us," Dr. Chakwas said and Shepard just smiled. Of course he was.

"Will do. See ya, doc."


	28. Bullets, Chaos and Fish

Was nothing in her life simple? Did everything involve bullets and chaos?

Shepard was beginning to wonder. She'd known this shore leave was a bad idea but they'd been given orders from Hackett himself. With all the research pouring into the Crucible, there were more developments that were coming out to help the forces out on the front lines than anyone knew what to do with. A number of them were scheduled to be implemented on the Normandy and that required time to retrofit and repair.

The war was far from over and they needed every advantage they could get. So, they were given forced shore leave while it got done. At least, Shepard considered it forced shore leave. She knew the crew needed the R&R and was happy to give it to them. It was just herself that she felt didn't need it. She was antsy to get back out to the fight.

It still surprised her Anderson had given his apartment over to her. It was a nice space that was larger than all her previous apartments combined. She still felt at odds in it but it was quickly becoming a haven after the events of the sushi restaurant. One tended to need those when you had people after you.

Someone was trying to kill her - besides the Reapers, Kai Leng and anyone else she forgot to throw on that list. Worse than that, they were trying to steal her identity as well. Part of her wanted to let them have it. Think Commander Shepard is so glamourous? Take it! Let the galaxy be on your shoulders, she thought wryly but she knew it was more than that. The access she had, particularly as a Spectre, could do a lot of damage in the wrong hands.

If she was to place bets, she'd have put money it was Cerberus trying to take her down. They'd wanted the Citadel and had tried the coup. It failed but maybe with her dead and her access, they could achieve what they wanted a different way.

Her head ached as she thought about the sushi place. It was one of the premiere restaurants on the Citadel that booked months out but, because of her reputation, apparently she'd had a reservation. She had thought Joker had been the one to arrange it but she was wrong. It was a setup, she knew that now, but it had felt good being able to go to somewhere so nice. It wasn't nice anymore.

Nothing like a firefight to do considerable property damage to ruin a place. She flinched as she remembered the fish tank floor and falling through it. She brought her hand to her ribs where they still throbbed, despite the dose of medi-gel she'd gave herself when they got back to the apartment. She'd taken a good beating in the fall.

She didn't want to know how many floors she'd fallen and still managed to survive. She looked in the mirror of the downstairs bathroom. She had to admit she looked good, minus the damp hair, damp dress and distinct fish smell. She's gotten all dressed up for the fancy restaurant. It wasn't every day she got to dress to the nines just to have a nice meal with an old friend.

It brought a smile to her lips as she recalled Kaidan's reaction to her in the dress when he'd met up with her at the car lot. "Nice outfit…" he had said, his voice trailing as his gaze raked over her. Even in the midst of the chaos, she'd felt a warm tingle run over her at the way he looked at her. He always knew how to make her feel beautiful and desired. She didn't know a woman alive who didn't enjoy feeling like that, especially from the man she loved.

Shaking her head from the memory, she stepped back out into the main room. Liara and the Alliance analyst who'd informed her of the people hunting her, Brooks, were doing research while everyone else relaxed around the apartment and talked about what happened. It was a waiting game now.

She saw Kaidan standing over by the fire and approached him, the memory of how he'd look at her earlier fresh in her mind. She was glad they were around friends. She was in pain, tired and still soggy. She didn't want to have to conform to rigid protocols. She wanted to be herself and she was grateful that with her family around her, she could be.

She didn't hesitate to step up close to him as her voice dropped for only his ears, "Nice to see you in action on the car lot. It was pretty hot." Her tone took on that teasing lilt as she looked at him.

"Why thank you," Kaidan said, uncrossing his arms and turning to face her. His gaze was heavy with desire in their depths and it was just for her, "You were pretty great out there yourself."

She brought her hand up to rest against his chest, as she gave a small smirk, "What would I do without you?"

Kaidan held her gaze deeply, a hand resting on her waist, "You'll never have to find out." His tone was serious as he looked into her eyes and she felt the weight of his words. It felt good to hear them but it felt better to feel the weight of them in the way he regarded her.

"I'm gonna go take a shower and change," she said with a soft laugh, "I'm tired of feeling like a fish."

He chuckled and let her go, "Alright." She grinned at him and gave him a look of promise of quiet time for them later.

 


	29. The Shower (Adult Content)

Turning from Kaidan, Shepard checked on Liara and Brooks before heading up to the room that was supposed to be her bedroom. A shower was just what she needed to work out the evening's stress. Her team was still working out what happened and who was after her so she figured she had ample time the brief luxury.

Walking into the bathroom, she reached behind her with a wince. Unzipping her dress, the fabric still damp and smelling distinctly of aquarium, she stepped out of it. Soon after, her undergarments went with. Looking in the mirror, already she could see some nasty bruises were forming on her body, around her ribs in particular, plus one good one on her collarbone. Turning, she glanced at her back. It had a number of bruises starting to come in as well and she knew she'd be hurting for days after this.

Padding over to the shower, she leaned over to adjust the water temperature on the faucet, her thoughts wandering to the problem at hand. Nothing was ever easy anymore, she thought as she got the water to a nice, hot, steaming temperature. Standing up, she was surprised when she felt the familiar feel of a hard body behind her, drawing out a shiver that ran through her body.

She should have been alarmed but she knew that body, every inch as familiar as her own. Kaidan brushed a hand over her arm and bent his head to kiss the top of her shoulder. "I figured with someone trying to kill you, you could use a bodyguard…" he said with a grin against her skin, sending another shiver down her spine. His tone teased her senses and drove her wild as she leaned back into him.

"Is that so?" Kiara asked, playing along. His lips brushed across her back until they came to kiss the crook of her neck on the other side. Only a soft rumble of a 'mmhm' from him was her response. Steam filled the bathroom as Kaidan reached over and touched the keypad on the wall, shutting the bathroom door with them inside.

He was already naked.

She'd felt that the moment he'd stepped up behind her. Stepping into the shower, she stood in the stream of water as it poured over her and ran down her body in rivulets. The heat felt good against her sore muscles but not as good as Kaidan felt when he followed her in. Returning to her back, he rested his hands on her hips as he pulled her gently against him.

With the water running over her face, she closed her eyes and leaned her head back onto his shoulder as one arm lifted to wrap around the back of his neck behind her. It arched her body against him and drove Kaidan wild as desire flared in response to her. "The things you do to me, Kiara…" he whispered in her ear before capturing and grazing his teeth lightly over the sensitive lobe. A pulse of desire rushed through her at the sensation.

A moment later, his hands left her body. With her eyes closed, she didn't know what he was doing until she heard the sound of the soap bottle opening then closing. She didn't have to wait long before his hands were on her again, lathering the soap against her body. His touch was firm but gentle and tender in all the areas bruises were forming. Every caress showed how much he cared.

Every stroke also set her body on fire. Even careful as he was, his touch was seductive. It moved over her wet skin with ease as he washed her body. She started to bring her hands up to help when his hand shot to her wrist and stilled it. "No, let me" he said firmly against her ear. They were simple words but he spoke them with a commanding tone that made her heart quicken in her chest and her desire pool at the apex of her thighs. His grip on her wrist lightened as he directed it up and over her head to return it to behind his neck.

Licking her lips, she gave a soft nod as she lifted her other arm to mirror the one he'd guided. He enjoyed the feel of her arched against him as his washing of her continued, his caressing melting her against him. He took special care when he came to her breasts, cupping the mounds and rolling them firmly beneath his touch. It drew out a moan which hitched when she felt his thumbs brush over her nipples.

She was powerless against his ministrations as she felt his hands slide lower, lathering her buttocks and then her hips. It was slow and thorough, as if he didn't want a single inch of her missed. It was divine and she never felt so pampered or desired as she did beneath his tender care.

Kiara's breath hitched again when she felt Kaidan's hand slide from her hips forward, coming to rest between her legs. She gasped as she pressed back against him more, his fingers beckoning her desire to come out as first one then two digits slid between her lips. There was no thinking, only feeling, as she felt his thumb brush over her clit before pressing in and rolling circles around her.

Kaidan groaned as he felt her arch against him more, her arms tugging at him as she pressed closer to him. She was a goddess and he had made her putty in his arms. It was heady experience and one he continued to savor. The water cascaded over her body and long after soap had washed away, he still pulled at her pleasure.

Bending his head down, he let his lips brush over her skin as he kissed and nipped the tender flesh of her neck. Between her thighs, he slid his fingers further down between her lips. His arousal twitched against the swell of her ass when he heard her suck in a breath and hold it a moment before he slid a finger inside her. Her wet, molten heat welcomed him, gripping him as he invaded her.

A moan rolled from her lips as melted against him at the feel of his finger inside her. Her need was overwhelming and for all she wanted the shaft that pressed into her back inside her, she couldn't deny the exquisite sensation his finger brought to her. Slowly he started to move his hand, stroking her insides with a deft and skillful touch.

Then he added another finger, her walls gripping around him as he increased his pace. With every stroke, she rose higher, her ecstasy building as she felt him against her back and his lips on her skin. Moans tumbled from her as his fingers played her like a master musician and she, his instrument. Panting softly, the coiling of her pleasure tightened in her core.

Behind her, Kaidan was breathing hard in desire as he held her, watching the pleasure move over her body and contour her face. She was beautiful - utterly surrendered to what he was doing to her. She was radiant. A fierce need gripped him at seeing her pleasure. He wanted to always be the one who did this to her, to make her melt under his touch. He knew she was close to her peak and he reveled in the sight of her as he added a third finger and increased his tempo.

Suddenly her body stilled against him as a soft cry broke from her lips, her body shattering beneath his touch as the wickedness of his caressing paid off. He held her against him with his other hand securely, holding her upright as she came apart at the seams in her orgasm. He'd never seen anything more exquisite nor had he ever felt anything as intimate before. There was nothing crass about the moment. It was pure bliss and a glimpse at heaven at seeing her lose herself in the sensations.

Kiara's body shuddered and trembled against him as she fought to catch her breath. Slowly his hand slid from between her legs as held her. She turned in his arms after her legs were more steady beneath her and re-slid her arms around the back of his neck as she looked up into his eyes. Her alabaster gaze was hazy with the pleasure she'd received but there was also a fire that burned within them. There were no words as she tugged him down to her and kissed him deeply. He fell into her mouth happily, losing himself in the haven her lips offered as the hot water beat against her back.

Kaidan stilled when he felt one of her arms drop and her hand grasp his length. With a tender yet firm touch she began to stroke him as she held the kiss. Just the simple touch was threatening to break his hold over his desires. He needed her with an ache that possessed his soul and she knew it.

Meshing her body hard against his, she lifted one of her legs to wrap around his hips. His fingers had been wickedly delicious, drawing out her pleasure effortless with their ministrations, but she needed more. She needed him, all of him.

Kaidan groaned as he felt her guide his shaft to brush against her heat, her sex slick with her arousal and climax. He hadn't intended on anything more than giving her pleasure when he'd come to join her but feeling her against him, her body begging for him, had laid those thoughts to rest. There was no denying her and he didn't want to. He craved her as he had craved nothing else in his life.

With slow, sure strides, he stepped forward with her until he felt her back press against the wall of the shower, the water now flowing over the both of them. He looked at her through the streams of water running over both their faces. A raw desire bared itself within her gaze as she looked to him and he knew it was but a reflection of his own.

As his lips descended once more upon hers, he shifted his hips until he felt his arousal come to rest at her entrance. Her hand released him as she wrapped it around the back of his neck in anticipation. She was more than ready for him. A breath later and he swiftly seated himself to the hilt inside her as he let out a low groan at the feel of her wrapping around him. Their fit was perfect, their connection intense. Kaidan didn't how long he just held himself there, basking in the heaven that embraced him. He'd never felt anything so transcendent as he did when they came together.

Kiara felt the same as he filled her, her body welcoming him eagerly into her. It was a snug fit but a perfect one and she felt her inner muscles pulse around him. She grinned against his kiss as the movement drew another groan from his lips, urging him on as he began to move within her. The wall of the shower pressed into the bruises on her back as he moved, but the pain was a distant memory to the pleasure Kaidan brought her with each second they were together.

Clinging to Kaidan as if her life depended on it, she kissed him, tasting his lips as her tongue darted and danced with his. His muscles shifted under his skin as they joined, their hardness rippling under her fingers as she slid one hand down from his neck to his chest. A need drove them, a surging desire to be together pushing their movements, but this time it was measured.

There was nothing frantic about it as he enjoyed her depths as slid himself within her. There was no rush, no pressing urgency driving them hard and fast. It was languid and sensual as their hands caressed and explored each other, their kisses savoring each other's taste. It was sweet and gentle yet intense on a level neither knew could exist. It was beyond intimate, even as his hips began to move faster, driving him deeper into her core.

Kaidan let himself be taken under by the sheer bliss of Kiara's body rolling against him, working with his thrusts to heighten their pleasures. He never wanted the feeling to end but he could feel the steady climb as they both built towards their release.

He devoured her lips as he slid a hand down her hips to her thigh, bracing her as he lifted the leg and brought to join her other around his hips. It settled her weight fully against him as he held her up, the shower wall offering support in the endeavor. The shift of the position drove him even deeper as his own groan of pleasure echoed the moan that broke from her lips into the kiss. The sound was music to his ears and it spurred something deep inside him. That primal thread that always seemed to awaken around her began to pull at him, calling out to her own as their need to find release in each other grew stronger.

His hips surged forward more urgently, passion consuming them both as their bodies gripped each other. Soon Kiara's lips broke from his as she cried out in the bliss that continued to assail her as they joined. Kaidan's head dropped to kiss and nip along her shoulder and collarbone, his lips needing to taste as much of her as he could. His own moans rumbled through him as the driving need began to take over. Wrapped in each others arms, pressed against the wall, they rose together higher as his body claimed hers and her own claimed his.

The familiar bluish energy of their biotics began to swirl around them again, radiating then melding with each other as intimately as their bodies joined. Shepard moved her hands to his shoulders as her fingertips dug into his back, nothing but pure pleasure flooding her mind. There were no thoughts. Only him - only Kaidan.

All too soon their peaks threatening to consume them. Deep within her core, the coil of desire tightened relentlessly. When it released, it was explosive and once more Shepard came apart beneath him as her inner muscles pulsed and clamped around him like a vice as her orgasm tore through her.

The sensation of her release was too intense for him to hold off his own any longer. Thrusting deep inside her, he stilled as his body raged with the force of his orgasm, his shaft emptying his seed into her. His grip was almost bruising against her hips as the sheer impact of his climax assaulting him while they came together in their peak.

Long minutes later, Kaidan's body sandwiching Kiara's against the wall, both of them slowly were able to find their focus. Opening their eyes, they looked at each other for a long moment before their lips gravitated to each other with a soul-deep passion. The kiss was languid and tender, the intimacy of the moment still holding them in its embrace. There was no urgency to it, no driving need. Just them savoring each other as the hot water poured over them.

They knew they couldn't stay like that forever, as much as they wanted to. Slowly Shepard regained her footing with one foot and then the other as Kaidan drew away from her. A loving smile exchanged between them as they both reached for the soap and finished up with their shower. Once they were all cleaned up, they shut off the water and went about redressing.

Kiara was brushing her hair out when he came up behind her again and kissed her shoulder, smiling at her through the mirror. "You are so beautiful," he murmured softly, drawing a smile of her own from her lips.

"You're not too bad yourself," she teased him with a wink then set the brush down. Turning around, she brought her lips to his in a soft kiss that was far too short for either of them. "We should go check on Liara and Brooks, see if they came up with anything."

Kaidan had been looking forward to this mandatory shore leave with Shepard and this whole affair had put quite the wrench in his plans. He knew her though. It wouldn't be long before they figured it out, dealt with them, and once again had time all to themselves. He smiled to her, "I can't wait until this is over and we actually get to enjoy this shore leave. I don't plan on letting you leave that bed for a good portion of it, even if I have to tie you down to keep you there."

"Is that a threat, Major?" Shepard teased, a mischievous glint in her eyes.

"No," he kissed her then briefly before pulling away and heading for the bedroom door. He stopped when he got to it and looked over his shoulder at her, giving her a wink. "It’s a promise."

She shivered at the thought then pushed off the counter and followed him. She was starting to realize that maybe shore leave wouldn't actually be all that bad.


	30. Casino Night

For as good as Shepard felt wearing dresses, they were one of the most impractical garments out there in her opinion. At least for her way of life. They were too restrictive on the movement and way too confining. The only bonus to them was the attention she got while wearing them, especially from a certain other human Spectre.

They had tracked the mercenary weapons from those who had attacked her at the restaurant to a crime boss who was based out of a local casino, Elijah Khan. It was Shepard's intention to infiltrate the party, find a way to get to Khan and convince him to tell her who he was working with. He was their only lead when it came to figuring out what was going on. Their way in was the casino's Charity Gala. Much to Shepard's chagrin, it was a black-tie event.

Shepard was a soldier and the thought of mingling and interacting with the elite of the Citadel was not something she was looking forward to. She was glad Kaidan would be at her side during it. She knew she'd need his strength if they wanted to get through the night without her punching some one. It also helped when Liara gave her reassurances she would be fine, and even handled sending out for a gown for her for the event so she wouldn't have to go shopping.

Donning it on up in her bedroom, she looked in the mirror. It was unlike anything she'd ever worn before. A deep, dark sapphire blue, a shade off from her armor, colored the floor-length formal dress. It was a tight fit that clung to every curve making it look as if she had been poured into the fabric. Though it bore the high-collar of current Citadel fashion, that was where the similarities ended. Instead of the conservative style that usually went with the cut of the collar, this dress was split down the center, the fabric opening below her the hollow of the throat down to the bottom of her navel revealing a channel of her softly tanned skin. Only a tight binding of fabric in the middle broke up the line and held her breasts from bursting out.

It was provocative, sensual and gorgeous. Long gloves of matching color ran up her arms to rest just above her elbows. Kiara had never worn anything so luxurious and looking in the mirror, even she had to admit she was quite a sight. Her hair was left unbound, the unruly waves cascading down her back and shoulder to frame her face. Sapphire gemstone droplets hung from her ears.

She hardly recognized herself. Taking a deep breath, Kiara turned from the bathroom mirror and headed for the stairs. Slowly, she began to descend them. James was the first person to notice her, letting out a long low whistle of approval, "Damn, Lola. If you weren't my Commander…"

"You'd what?" Kaidan asked with an amused brow quirked as he stepped towards the stairwell from the living room. He was curious what Shepard had done to draw out such a reaction from the Lieutenant. Stepping around the corner from the fireplace, he stopped in his tracks when he looked at the stairs and saw her.

Kaidan had never seen anything as beautiful as Kiara was as she stood there on the stairs. He had thought he had seen every facet of the formidable but mesmerizing woman who'd stolen his heart but as he looked up at her on the stairs, he saw a completely different side of her. She wasn’t just beautiful, she was regal and breathtaking. His gaze raked down over her and the way the dress hugged her curves, stirring the heat of desire inside him.

"Raise the jaw, lover boy," Garrus chimed in, causing Kaidan to clear his throat and step forward. She smiled at the exchanged but her gaze was focused on Kaidan. Shepard was not a usually shy, or easily embarrassed woman, but she felt her cheeks warm under Kaidan's rapt gaze. She took a moment to take in him and found herself just as transfixed. He cut a sharp figure. Dressed in a suit styled in the modern Citadel fashion, he wore all black with a simple silver trim. The strong lines of jaw were even more prominent by the fresh shave he'd given himself and her fingers itched to run over the smooth planes.

"Are we ready? I want to get this mission done as soon as possible," Shepard said, forcing herself to drag her gaze from his and her thoughts away from dragging him up to her bedroom and forgetting about the gala.

Brooks broke off into one of her little panic rants and Liara helped calm her down and focus her. Shepard was nervous dealing with her. She was skittish and unpredictable, and that always bode bad during a mission. Still, she was the only one who could make it through the ducts and get them access to the safe room where Elijah was no doubt holed up in.

"Lets go then."

The trip to the casino was short and when they arrived, she noticed the cordoned off walkway into the casino and a wide red carpet that led to the door. It was definitely a huge event, with spectators and media lining up along the edges of the ropes. Shepard tried to release the tension in her shoulders. While she was fine in large crowds, unlike Kaidan who didn't care for them, it was the attention that bothered her the most. She didn't like being the center of it.

Kaidan came to her side and offered her his arm. Smiling, she took it just touching him seemed to tamp down her anxiety. He flashed her a startlingly handsome smile and it made her heart flutter as they began to walk towards the entrance. Brooks brought up her other side as they both took a deep breath and made their way down the red carpet.

People stirred up at the sight of her and Kaidan, the first human Spectres in the galaxy. She realized then how iconic of a pair they'd become. Cameras flashed around them, capturing the sight that she knew was going to be plastered all over the media by the end of the event. They both smiled and waved to the crowd as if they were a part of the elite, trying to propagate the ploy that had them there.

"You're looking radiant, Commander," Kaidan complimented her in a low voice, waving to some unknown person in the crowd who was waving at them.

"As in 'beautiful' or as in 'causing invisible damage'?" she asked, a teasing lilt to her tone as they walked. She wore her most perfect public smile as the cameras flashed around them. She hated these kind of things but it was made better with Kaidan at her side. She knew she could get through anything as long as she had him.

"Why can't it be both?" he asked, glancing over to her, "Ow, my heart."

She laughed at him as the doors opened and they walked in,. He never failed to bring a smile to her lips when she needed it most.

Once they were inside Brooks started another stress ramble, going off about her exit wounds and medi-gel. Shepard did her best to calm her. She was doubting bringing Brooks along on this mission but she was the only one who could get through the vents. She hoped they weren't making a mistake.

They had a mission to do and she prayed it went well.

Especially with how confining the dress was, she hoped the biggest battle they'd have to fight would be a verbal one. She took in a breath as Brooks broke off and headed for the vent entrance. "Okay Kaidan, time to meet the riff-raff."

At least she had Kaidan at her side. With him, she could get through anything. 


	31. Trying for Normal, Part One

Cerberus had made a clone of her? The thought still sent shivers down her spine when she thought about it. She should have known they'd pull something like that. In a way, she felt bad for the other her. Cerberus created her for spare parts then dumped her when she became no longer needed. It only renewed her hatred of Cerberus. The Illusive Man had gone too far, too many times.

With a sigh, Kiara rubbed her head. It still ached from the beating she got on the Normandy. Was that was it was like to fight her? The thought unnerved her a bit. She didn't think she was that powerful.

She remembered the sheer force her clone had charged into her with and the tearing, exploding feeling as she detonated a nova around her. The violence at which she warped Shepard's body and sent shockwaves to knock her off balance. Kiara had never fought anyone so powerful, biotically, and it made her wonder just how similar she and her clone were. Kaidan was quick to tell her she was just as powerful, if not more. She had longer to practice, after all.

Thinking of Kaida, she wondered how he was doing. The whole crew had been taken for a loop with the whole Shepard-clone mess. Hell, Shepard had been taken for a loop. She never imagined she'd have to fight herself, let alone watch herself die.

She'd seen Kaidan's look when her clone had let go from the cargo bay ramp and fell to her death. It had pained him. Shepard had tried to save her but there was no saving her. Her issues about being abandoned, the 'other Shepard for spare parts' especially, ran too deep. She wondered if her death bothered Kaidan or brought back memories of when she'd died. How could it not? This whole thing had just been one big reminder of what had happened.

That was one of the reasons why she invited Kaidan to come over to the apartment. She had plans for them to go out to dinner and spend some quality time together and she hoped he'd talk about what happened. She smiled as she remembered what he'd said when the clone first revealed herself.

"Because I don't have her memories. I'd never fool my supposed friends…the ones who abandoned their duty to join the cult of Shepard," the Clone had said as they stood in the Citadel Archives, turning to look them all. Her focus narrowed in on Kaidan, "Like you, Major Alenko. I would've picked the other one on Virmire…Ashley-something?"

Shepard recalled how quickly that had stirred her ire. Ash's death was a sore point for all of them who lived through it. Bringing it up had just been another nail secured in the clone's coffin for Shepard at the time. Attacking Kaidan only threw that anger into overdrive.

Kaidan had held his ground though, making Shepard proud. "You're just a pale imitation of the real thing!" he'd spat at the clone. The comment seemed to goad her and then the day went down hill from there. A race through the archives ensued, culminating with a toe-to-toe smack down in the shuttle bay. It ended with the clone killing herself even though Shepard had offered her a life line.

Shepard could still remember watching her fall. Then they had Brooks to deal with. Thinking about her still pissed Shepard off all over again. She was glad she was dead. When she'd escaped her bonds, Shepard was happy to raise her gun to put a bullet in her. It surprised her when another gun went off beside her and she looked to see Kaidan had been the one to pull the trigger. It showed her once again how strong he was and what a good soldier he was and only made her prouder that he was hers and she was his.

There was a chime at the front door and she called that it was open. Leaning against the counter, she watched as her lover came in and made his way over to her. "Hey Shepard, I'm starving. What've you got?" he asked.

"We're heading out, Kaidan," she shook her head, gesturing to the door. That was the point of the evening. To go out and be 'normal'. Plus, she couldn't cook worth a damn.

He came in front of her and rested his hands on her hips, getting that deviously delicious glint in his eyes, "We'll just end up back here anyways. Am I right?" he asked, his voice low. It send a shiver through her as he leaned in and placed a lingering kiss on the underside of her jaw where it met her neck. It melted her and sent a heat coursing through her body.

She let out a soft breath as he pulled away and strode into the kitchen. "Trust me. Let me impress you," he said, flashing her that charming smile of his that took her breath away.

"Oh no, really?" she half-teased, half-dreaded as she watched him wander into the kitchen. She'd been looking forward to going out with him.

Kaidan chuckled, "Come on."

She arched her brow and crossed her arms over her chest, "You want me to sit there and watch you cook?" she asked with a raised brow. Despite wanting to go out, she enjoyed watching him in almost anything he did, and if she had to admit it, she was curious to see what kind of cook he was. She wondered if there was anything he couldn't do?

He laughed again, "You're not watching me cook. You're helping me drink beer. Now," he said, waving her off, "sit your ass down." She quirked her brow again at his bossiness, and moved to take a seat on the other side of the island. She liked the assertive side of him.

He wasted no time riffling around her kitchen's stores. After James had complained, she arranged to have some food brought it but for the life of her, she couldn't remember what was brought in. She wasn't big on cooking herself but with James and the others always hanging around, she figured having food in the house was smart so she'd ordered a plethora of various things.

Soon enough, he'd pulled out a few things from the fridge including two beers and two steaks. She looked at the food and he brought out the pans and dishes. "What are we having? Canadian delicacy of some sort?" she asked, teasing him again. She enjoyed their easy rapport. It felt natural and right.

"Uh…sure…" Kaidan said, not completely convinced. He tried to sound convincing and failed miserably, "Exactly. We have…beef. We have bacon. We have beer…the foods of my people!" he said as he pulled out a beer and handed her one after cracking them both open. He reached over and tapped the neck of his bottle to hers in toast, "Wish me luck."

Shepard laughed softly at that and took a drink of the beer, the cold liquid sliding down her throat. While she sat there, he started chopping and throwing garlic in the pan with some butter as it sizzled, returning to chopping some other ingredients. For her part, she was too focused on watching him to really realize the intricacies of what he was doing.

"You like to cook, Shepard?" he asked as he cut, glancing up at her. Even in her battered with a split lip and a crack in her brow, she was beautiful. He found he liked seeing her in a different element. Her hair remained down around her shoulders, unbound from the usual bun she wore. For her clothing she had opted for casual, choosing a casual tank top, short leather jacket and dark jeans that molded and formed to every curve so tightly, it left little to the imagination. Not that he needed to imagine. He knew every inch of what laid beneath her clothes.

Kiara took another drink of her beer and smirked, not missing the way his gaze raked over her appreciatively, "Roommate on Arcturus taught me. He said eating cafeteria crap twenty-four-seven was bad for morale." She shook her head, remembering her old buddy Hector. He'd tried so hard to teach her and she'd been a dud at it.

Kaidan chucked, "Is there anything you're bad at?" he asked as he glanced up at her again, tossing some more ingredients into the pan.

"Cooking," she said then laughed. "Seriously, I'm terrible at it. I said I was taught, I didn't say I was good at it. Poor Ramirez tried every trick in the book to get me to learn and I still sucked. Finally he amended what he said, his tune changing to 'eating cafeteria crap twenty-four-seven was better for morale than Shepard's cooking'."

Kaidan laughed at that. He couldn't imagine there was anything she was bad, besides dancing…and driving Makos, but he seemed to have found another one. He liked it. It made her more human and less larger than life. Not that he saw her that way. To him, especially at times like this, she wasn't larger than life. She wasn't even Commander Shepard. She was just Kiara and he was just Kaidan.

He looked at her then as she slid off the chair and walked around to him. He liked this - them relaxing in the kitchen, him making dinner. For a few moments, it felt like they were a normal couple without the doom and gloom of the galaxy on the doorstep.

It made him think about the future and what their lives could be like after this war was over. He liked what he envisioned and it gave him one more reason to do everything he could to make sure they won this war. He wanted that future. He wanted a life of waking up to her every morning and going to bed beside her every night. He wanted dinners where he cooked and nights when she'd try and they'd have to eat out.

He wanted it all.

He wanted her.

"Where'd you learn to cook?" Kiara asked as she leaned on the counter beside him, bringing her beer up to take a drink. Though she didn't know he'd been thinking along those lines, her thoughts had turned to similar ones herself. She looked at the picture they made, standing there in the kitchen. She wanted more of what they had. She wanted a future with more times like this in them.

"Classes at Jump Zero, believe it or not. Young biotics who can't cook for themselves risk starving," Kaidan said matter-of-factly. He'd learned there but he'd focused on honing the ability over the years. It was a secret passion of his. He loved cooking.

"Did you pass?" she asked then nudged over to the pan, "Cause you're burning the garlic."

Immediately he moved over to shift the pan and lower the heat, "Sorry," he said with a touch of embarrassment before glancing over his shoulder to her. "Guess I'm distracted." His eyes took on that deep look that made her weak in the knees.

"By…?" she asked, her tone dropping as she leaned in a bit.

"I wonder."

Her gaze dropped to his lips as his voice dropped, a shiver running down her spine. It took everything she could not to kiss him. He continued to cook, picking up the steaks and slapping them on the hot pan with the garlic butter and other seasonings.

"So…?" Kaidan asked as she came up and draped an arm across his shoulders, wondering what she was thinking of his cooking for far. The steaks were smelling amazing. It reminded her how hungry she was.

"We have hot sauce, right?" she asked, turning her gaze on him and looking deeply into his eyes. The only problem was she was hungry for more than just the steak.

He grinned at her and finished up cooking before plating them. Taking both plates in hand, he set them on the bar while she grabbed the beers. Sitting down beside each other, they both turned to face each other as they ate.

Hunger for food ended up winning out when she looked at the steak, her stomach suddenly grumbling for it. Taking a drink of her beer, she set it down and started cutting into the steak. Kaidan watched her with anticipation as she took the first bite. By the way her eyes closed and a look of bliss settled over her features, he assumed she enjoyed it.

"This is delicious!" she said when her mouth wasn't full, looking to him with genuine surprise. He chuckled and cut into his own, taking a bite. Actually, he thought, not too bad, as he looked over at her as she cut into another piece. She was a woman who wasn't afraid to dig in and enjoy. He liked that about her. A woman with an appetite.

"So," Shepard said apprehensively after taking a drink of beer to wash down the bite, "how are you handling everything that happened?"

"Me? I should be asking you that," he said, cutting off another bite.

"Its not every day you meet yourself, fight her, get trapped in an iridium archival tube, escape that tube then track her down to your ship she stole where a huge battle ensues ended in her death," she rattled off, chuckling then she shrugged. "To be honest, I can't say I'm surprised Cerberus would do something like that. A part of me feels bad for how she was treated. Grown for parts then cast off when I made it through…"

"There were a lot of ways she could have handled it, though, Shepard," Kaidan pointed out and she nodded. "If you ask me, I don't think she was entirely all there. She might have had all the same genetic makeup as you, but she wasn't you."

"What do you mean? She was an exact copy," Shepard looked at him curiously. She still recalled how precisely she handled her biotics too. There was nothing that wasn't the same between them.

"She was hell bent on destroying us. She wanted humans for humans, to be a 'lone wolf' as she called it. She didn't care about anyone or anything except herself. You, on the other hand, Shepard…" he turned more, reaching over to take her hand, "You care. You care about everyone and everything around you. You don't see different species when you look at your crew, you see people. You give everything you are, and then you give some more, to fight for those who can't fight for themselves.

"You face impossible odds every day and still you push through and keep fighting. You're strong, beautiful, compassionate, kind…" he continued, "there is nothing evil about you and there was everything evil about her. Don't ever think that you two were the same person. You weren't."

Shepard searched his eyes as he spoke, his words sinking deep into and moving her. She was speechless and humbled by his words and what he thought and felt about her. Bringing a hand to his cheek, she leaned over and placed a kiss on his lips. It was a chaste one but she lingered there for a moment before smiling.

The smile hid a sadness though she also felt at his words. For all he thought those things of her, she thought something different about herself. She remembered all the people who'd died under her command and the batarian colonists she sacrificed to delay the Reapers.

He caught the change in her and brought his hand up to cup her cheek as he turned her face back towards his when she started to look away, "Hey. What's wrong? Did I say something wrong?" he asked, concern knitting his brow.

She looked at him then sighed, her gaze dropping from his, "I love that you think that about me, Kaidan, but I'm not all that. A lot of people would still be alive if I was everything you just said I was. Jenkins…Ash…Mordin…the batarian colonists…"

"You're a leader, Shepard. That means you have to make the hard decisions and sometimes those decisions come with a cost but you make the right ones every time. Jenkins was an accident, unfortunate as it was. And Ash…" Kaidan took a deep breath, the echo of his own guilt rising up over her death, "you chose me over her because I was the one on the nuke. If it had been the other way, I know you would have done what you had to do to complete the mission."

She held his gaze. She knew the truth of his words. She knew if it had been Ash on the nuke, she'd have saved her over him and that thought nearly tore her heart from her chest. She couldn't imagine Kaidan not in her life. Even with all the bad that had happened, there had been, and still was, good. She couldn't fathom not having had the time since then that she'd had with Kaidan. Still, her decision had cost them Ash.

With a breath, the weight of everything resting on her shoulders came to the forefront and threatened to pull her down, "What if I'm tired of the mission always coming first? What if I'm tired of losing friends and the people I care for?" she said, wanting to look away but unable to. She didn't want him to see the doubts she held in her soul. He needed hope as much as anyone and everyone looked to her for that hope. It was stifling.

Kaidan watched as a vulnerability open up in her gaze as she looked at him. He saw how much it truly weighed on her and he wanted to take it all off her shoulders. He leaned over and rested his forehead against hers. He had no response to her words. There was nothing he could say that would make what she was feeling better.

"304,942, Kaidan," she said, pain riding in her depths. "304,942 people I sacrificed to stop the Reapers and still they came. I tell myself they would have died anyways if the Reapers had come through, and we would lost the six months of preparation we did get, but it doesn't help. I know the reality that destroying the Alpha Relay bought us time we needed but the reality doesn't balm the weight on my soul. I feel every one of their deaths and every death of every person whose died under my command."

Kaidan searched her gaze. He remained resolute though as he brought her gaze back to meet his, "And that is why you and her are not the same people. She wouldn't have bat an eyelashes at any of their losses but you carry them with you, honoring their memories with everything you do. You're so strong, Kiara…"

She let his words sink in as she looked into his eyes, seeing all the love and care he felt for her in his depths. How she got so lucky to have him in her life, she'd never know. Like always, he knew just the right thing to say yet it wasn't just what was 'supposed' to be said. He meant it, believed every word, and that gave a strength to his words she let infuse in her.

"What did I ever do to deserve you, Kaidan?" she asked softly, leaning in and kissing him tenderly. For a long minutes, they just held the kiss until he slowly broke it.

Looking into her eyes, he grinned, "It sure wasn't cooking. We can't all be galaxy gods at everything…" he teased, wanting to bring a lightness back to the their evening.

She appreciated it as she laughed softly. "You got that right," she said then settled back on her stool, looking at the food, "we'll just make sure to leave the cooking to you. You do a passable job." She winked at him as she turned back and cut into the remainder of her food.

He chuckled as they resumed the meal.


	32. Trying for Normal, Part Two (Adult Content)

A while later, after the meal was finished and they were on their second beers, Kiara and Kaidan sat on the couch and shared a slice of cheesecake he'd snuck in along with the steaks and beers earlier. He'd planned this whole evening down to the smallest detail, not that she knew it, and he was glad it had turned out well, even with the moment of heavy.

Even that moment he cherished because she'd let down some of her walls and let him in. She'd shared her burdens and he loved her all the more for it. He knew she likely thought the vulnerability she showed was weakness but he saw it as strength and he was proud of her. He couldn't imagine the weight of everything she felt and if he could help take some of it off, even by just being a shoulder for her lean on, he would be that. For her, he would be anything she asked.

Sitting on the couch, with his arms draped over the back of the sofa, they settled in and continued to talk. It was relaxed and easy. Shepard found herself imagining it always being this easy and natural between them. She didn't want the night to ever end.

"This was great," Kaidan said with a satisfied smile.

She looked to him, her gaze meeting his, "What? Is it over?" The way she looked at him caused his desire to stir inside him. With one look and that voice of hers, low and seductive, she could melt him. Hell, with any word or look she melted him.

He smirked, leaning in a bit closer, "Well, what do you suggest?"

"I think…" she said, leaning in towards him, "we need to find a way to burn off these calories. Don't you?" Slowly she pulled away from him, standing up as she walked towards the stairs. He chuckled as she looked over her shoulder, that look enough to surge him off the sofa. She'd wanted him since the moment he'd came into the apartment.

Just as she reached the stairs she felt his hands on her waist as he turned her around. He wasted no time slipping his arms around her waist and pulling her close as he dipped his head and kissed down her neck. Tilting her head back, her eyes closed as she let out a soft sigh, her hand coming up to sink into his hair. A tremor ran through her at the feel of his lips on her skin and it ignited something deep within her.

Arching against him, she tugged his head up for her lips to capture his as she kissed him deeply. His embraced tightened around her as his hands dropped to her rear. A hunger that hadn't been sated with dinner coursed through him and it was solely for her. He needed her in ways he couldn't begin to describe. He always needed her. With an easy lift against her ass, he pulled her up until she was fully in his arms, her legs wrapped around his waist.

Even as they ascended the stairs, their lips didn't break from each other until they were in the bedroom and she was once again standing on her own. Passion driven by the desire to feel each other took over as they began discarding each others clothing as rapidly as they could. Only when they were both naked did their lips find one another again, clashing in a heated kiss.

Kiara needed this - needed him - desperately. The earlier baring of a fears had left her open and vulnerable, a feeling she didn't like experiencing. He hadn't spurned her or shut her down though and that had helped more than she'd ever admit. He made her feel safe and secure. Yet she still that vulnerable feeling remained and made her need the security of him even more.

She'd let him in and she didn't want to let him out. Ever.

His kisses seared across her flesh as he broke from the kiss, moving his way down her neck and collarbone until her breast was lifted in his palm and his mouth closed over the nub. Kiara cried out as she threw her head back, trembling in his arms as he held her tight. Pleasure coursed through her as he devoured one nipple and then moved to the other.

It didn't take long for her desire, and the pleasure he brought her, to drown out all other thoughts. She ached for him as she tugged him back up to claim another kiss. As her lips devoured his, her tongue clashing with his tongue, her hand slipped down between them slowly, her short-cropped nails raking down over his chest and abdomen.

Kaidan groaned as he felt her fingers descend further and wrap around him, her touch so tender yet firm that he struggled not to lose control there. He craved her with a raging desire that shook him to his core. With every stroke of her hand it grew more primal and possessive until, with a low growl, he pulled himself from the kiss.

A second later he picked her up and tossed her onto the bed without a second thought, the mattress bouncing beneath her then sinking beneath her weight. He stalked towards the bed and then onto it as he crawled over her.

Shepard shivered as she watched him, her breathing heavy as her chest rose and fell with each breath. There was something in his gaze that awakened something inside her. Something raw. With a wicked grin, she hooked her legs in his and caught him off balance as soon as he hovered over her, rolling him over until he was on his back.

Quickly she straddled him, reaching between them as she sat atop him. She wasted no time as she sank herself down onto his impossibly hard arousal. With a breathless moan, she rolled her head back as he entered her, filling her deeply. Once she had seated him fully inside her, the tip of him brushing the end of her channel, she brought her head back to focus her gaze on his.

Kaidan stared up at her in awe and hunger as she mounted him, a wildness about her that pulled at the deepest parts of him. She looked like a warrior goddess, fierce and formidable as her hips started to move against his slowly at first then quickly picking up speed. He groaned at the feel of her as she rolled her hips, her breasts lifting and bouncing as she started to ride him.

It was a glorious sight to watch as his hands came to her hips, fingertips digging in hard as she took him. Every inch of her only enflamed his need for her more. He was enraptured by every move and breath she made, every moan and pulse of her inner walls that sent him higher into bliss.

That primal need raged within him again as Kaidan tightened his grip on her hips, no doubt bruising her with his desire. She looked at him as if she were a huntress. It was heady and a primitive urge called up to meet her huntress in response. There was no resisting it, no fighting the need to claim her as his own.

With a simple shift of his weight, once more they were rolling, this time landing with her on her back and him atop her. He surged inside her as he thrust into her hard, her body shaking with the force as she cried out. That cry was all he needed as he began to take her, each thrust into her fierce and deliberate.

At first it was slow, dominating and possessive but all too soon it built up to a pace that ravaged them both. It was animalistic and raw the way they claimed each other, their bodies slick from the sheen of sweat on them sliding against each other with ease. Where one began and the other ended was a blur as they joined with force that shook the foundations of universe.

All too soon their climaxes rushed up on them, surprising them both as they consumed and engulfed them, shooting them both to heights they only found with each other. Kiara threw her head back as she cried out his name, her world exploding and crumbling around her as he surged once more deep inside her and emptied everything he was into her. The force of their joined orgasm so intense, their bluish energies that swirled around them exploded with them, throwing everything not screwed down into chaos.

They didn't care though, didn't even realize it fully, as their worlds came apart around each other then slowly began to piece back together. Panting hard, Kaidan collapsed on top of her as they struggled to catch their breath and regain some focus. Shepard's head swam as she slipped her arms up and around him.

Before either of them realized it, they both slipped into unconsciousness as they held each other close.

Hours later, Shepard began to stir as she woke up. She still felt the weight of Kaidan on top of her though it was shifted towards one side. She moaned softly as the room and her surroundings came more into focus.

At Shepard's movement, Kaidan slowly began to stir as he started to wake. He gave a bit of a groan as he opened his eyes lazily. The first thing he saw was her face, just as drowsy and languid as he felt, looking up into his eyes lovingly.

"Good morning," he said with a grin, leaning over to press his lips to hers in a soft kiss.

She happily returned the kiss, savoring every second of it, "Is it morning?" She looked around trying to find a clock. It was then her eyes focused enough to see the chaos of the room. Art on the walls had been knocked down along with anything else that hadn't seemed to be solidly secured to the floor or walls. The bed remained, as did the vid screen, but that was the only thing that wasn't in complete disarray in the room.

"Oh wow…" Kiara said as she looked around then looked back to Kaidan, a flush of warmth coloring her cheeks at the thought that they had done that. She couldn't help the fit of laughter that bubbled up inside her.

"Did we do that?" Kaidan asked as he lifted his head and looked around the room. He knew their biotic energies came out and responded to each other when they made love but he couldn't remember an explosion as they came together. Then again, he had been rather reoccupied. At least the walls were standing.

"I think so…" she said, her laugh continuing to fill the room. After it had died down, with a slight groan more at not wanting to move than anything, she tried to roll over to reach for the clock. Kaidan was having none of it. Slipping his arms around her, he pulled her back against him and bent his head to kiss her deeply.

"Leave it," he said when he broke the kiss, "It's shore leave. I distinctly remember telling you I'd keep you in this bed if I had to tie you to it."

She grinned a wickedly playful smile, "I see, Major Alenko. Well, I don’t think that will have to be necessary…" She reached up and pulled him down for another kiss. He sucked in a deep breath through his nose as his hand slid up from her waist to her side, his thumb grazing over the side of her breast.

"Kaidan…" she breathed out at the feel of his thumb, rolling her head back as his lips kissed along her jawline and nipped their way down her neck. He took his time, each kiss languid and slow as he savored the salty sweet taste of her. He loved the way his name sounded on her lips, a breathless whisper of pleasure.

Slowly he lifted his head as he looked down into her eyes. He took in every bit of her as she laid there looking up at him, her hair in complete disarray, a sharp dark contrast to the stark white of the pillows. There was a natural glow about her as her ethereal eyes stared up at him. He took the moment to memorize every detail, immortalizing it in his memories. He never wanted to forget this moment or how he felt.

"I love you so much, Kiara," he whispered, his tone reverent. The smile she gave him made his heart skip a beat as she cupped his cheek and stroked the stubble he'd grown there.

"And I love you, my strong, sweet Kaidan," she whispered back, unable to look away from him.

Neither had to speak about the night before. It had been more intense and deeper than they'd ever experienced and they were closer for it. If Kiara believed in such things, she'd even have gone so far as to say a piece of their souls had entwined when they came together. Whatever happened, everything felt different and for the better.

That was the way of it each time they made love. Nothing was ever the same after they came together and she never wished for it to change.

Slowly, he bent down and kissed her deeply. It was a languid kiss of exploring and tasting, savoring and embracing, and it seemed to go on forever. When it broke, they simply looked in each others eyes for the longest time before kissing again.

It was a kiss that accepted everything as it was and everything that could be, that spoke of the future and their unbreakable connection they shared. In the tangle of the sheets, they lost themselves in each other that morning more times than they could count. They knew they would never be the same again after the night before and they were okay with it. Whatever the future held, they would face it together. 


	33. Catharsis

Shepard glanced in on Kaidan as he remained passed out in bed and it warmed her heart. He looked comfortable and peaceful and she couldn't bring herself to wake him. She'd woken a couple hours earlier and already had breakfast, checked her messages and set up glyph to purchase some new furniture for the apartment. She treasured the last two days. True to his word, Kaidan had barely let her leave the bed for most of it and she had loved every second, and when he did, he didn't let her leave the apartment. It had been heaven.

She checked the clock. Five to ten. James would be there soon. She wondered what it was he wanted to show her. Heading to the balcony that overlooked the main room, she looked at her data pad that gave the updates on the Normandy while she waited for him. By the schedule, they still had another four days of retrofitting before being able to head out.

 _Good_ , she thought, surprising herself. She was actually enjoying the shore leave and wanted to enjoy a little bit more of the peace and happiness she had found before getting back to the grind. It wasn't just the time she was getting to spend with Kaidan that was making her not want to leave, though it was a large part of it, it was also the chances she'd been getting to spend quality time with her crew. They were her family and with the chaos they lived in, and the hell she knew the future held, she was going to enjoy the time she had to be with them.

As if on cue, she heard the door buzz and then open as James walk in. "Hey Lola. Nice place," he said as he strode in, looking around the space. She had made sure her whole crew knew that, unless locked with biometrics over the key code, they were welcome to come in whenever they wanted. This wasn't just her apartment, it was their haven away from the Normandy. The only time she locked it with biometrics was when she didn't want to be disturbed. The last few days came to mind with a grin as she thought about it.

"Might not look so nice after throwing that party you were talking about." James piped up as he looked up to her from the main floor.

"You wouldn't trash my new apartment, would you, James?" Shepard asked with a light tone.

"Me?" he asked as he made his way to the stairs, "No. Never." Shepard just rolled her eyes at him and smirked.

In the bedroom, Kaidan began to stir as he overheard sounds of conversation. Coming to, he recognized Shepard's voice first then James'. Just as he sat up, he saw James turn from the top of the stairs to the balcony and wondered what he was doing there. Not that it bothered him. He'd had Kiara for the last few days. It was only fair to eventually share her with the rest of the crew.

Slowly he crawled out of bed, padding over to the bathroom. Their voices carried through the apartment as he washed his face. He tried to focus on not eavesdropping but with the acoustics of the place, it was proving nearly impossible.

James whistled, "Nice view. But this place? It's just so…not what I'm used to." He shrugged as he looked to Shepard, coming to stand beside her as he looked out at the view the floor to ceiling windows held of the Silver Sun Strip.

"Which is?" she asked, leaning on the railing.

"I grew up on a beach on the Pacific. So, you know: water, sand…real air," his voice took on a melancholy tone. He missed Earth in a way Shepard couldn't fully understand. Though Earth was her homeworld, and she loved it with a fierceness that drove her to get it back, she didn't have the homesick connection with it. She'd been raised on various ships and stations her whole life. Outside of her various training stints, postings and her six months in a detention cell, she'd only ever lived on Earth for six months when she was a pre-teen.

Her parents owned a house north of Seattle and it had been during a six month stint her mother had been stationed on Earth that Shepard had got to experience living on the homeworld. It had been a nice experience but at the time she was too much of angsty teenager missing her friends on the station to really appreciate it. Now the Earth from her childhood was gone. Though they'd rebuild, it would never be the same. "You miss it?" she asked him, glancing over to him. She knew it was a dumb question. It was clear he did.

He looked down, "Yeah. And the people…"

"So….what's her name?" Shepard tried to draw out of him, her tone light and teasing.

James laughed, "No! No…I…stopped fraternizing when I joined the military. The two don't seem to go well together."

"Hasn't stopped you from being a shameless flirt," she teased, crossing her arms in front of her. It was that tone that caught Kaidan's attention. He'd know James flirted with Shepard and she harmlessly flirted back but it was another thing to actually witness it. It peaked his attention when he heard them go at it. In a way, he liked they were able to be that casual around each other and he knew nothing would ever come of it. Still, jealousy wasn't always rational when it poked up its head.

"Yeah. Well, that's just my way," James confessed, "I don't mean anything by it, Lola."

"Uh-huh," she said, trying to sound unconvinced.

"I'm not getting between you and Kaidan, am I?" James suddenly asked, worried his flirting had caused problems.

Shepard chuckled, "Not even remotely." It was her tone that brought a smile to Kaidan's face as he started to get dressed. It calmed the irrational feelings of jealousy that had crept up. He wanted to get ready as quickly as possible so he go dodge out and give them privacy. He felt bad overhearing everything he already had. Plus there were some errands he needed to run.

"So did you really come up here to talk about my personal life?" she asked as she approached him, leaning on the railing again with her arms crossed.

"Oh, shit. Right," James smirked, "I wanted to show you…" He stepped away towards the stairs, turning his back to her. Reaching down, he pulled up his shirt then pulled it off him. On his back was the tattoo she'd found him getting in the refugee quarter. 'N7' was right in the center of his shoulders with the same tribal markings from his other tattoos fanning out around it.

"What do you think?"

"Looks good, and you've earned it. Now the real work begins, right?" she said, coming up to get a closer look at it. It was good work. She still could remember the feel of the needle as she got her own tattoo carved into her skin to commemorate the occasion. She missed it. It hadn't been deemed a 'priority', apparently, with her reconstruction and she'd woke to find it no longer where it had been. Once it had been a beautiful stamp of pride situated on the upper half of her left ribcage near her breast and had spelled the 'N7' logo down her side.

"Exactly. And I heard what you said before, and I'm in. Cien por ciento," James said with pride.

"Glad to hear it," she said solemnly, proud of James herself.

"Anyway…that's it," he said as he picked up his shirt and walked to the stairs just as Kaidan was stepping out of the bathroom. James didn't see him as he turned to head down the stairs but Kaidan saw him shirtless and the N7 tattoo on his back.

Suddenly Kaidan felt even worse for having overheard their conversation. It was a private moment, shared between one N7 CO and a new N7 recruit. He, himself, hadn't been a part of the program but even before Shepard, he had an immense respect for it. He didn't know the details surrounding it, but he knew James was N7 material. Kaidan was glad for him and hoped there would be an N7 program to come back to when this was all over.

James headed down the stairs, putting his shirt back on as he went, "Just wanted to show you that bad boy. I gotta get back to the Normandy. Esteban wants my help working on the shuttle." And by Esteban, she knew he meant Cortez.

Shepard headed down the stairs with him. At the bottom, she offered her hand, "Thanks for coming by James." He took it, shaking her hand then lifting it in a strengthened grasp of solidarity in the way of one soldier to another. They held it for a moment and shared a look between them that spoke of respect and having each other's back.

"This is gonna be a perfect place for a fiesta," James said, letting her hand go as he headed toward the door. He was almost out the door when he stopped when he glanced down a hall and saw the workout room, "What the hell? No way!" He headed to the room, staring at the punching bag like it was the love of his life, "You've been holding out on me!"

Shepard just smiled as she watched him take a few hits then those few hits turned into a full blown work out. She didn't mind. She shrugged as she stood there in her t-shirt and fatigue pants. She stretched her muscles, testing them and warming them up. They were sore from the last few days with Kaidan but they were itching for a different kind of workout. It'd been days and that wasn't normal for her.

Figuring Kaidan would likely still be asleep for a while, she walked over to the pull up bar. She figured she could do a little working out this morning, at least till Kaidan woke up.

Jumping up, she took the bars in hand as she hung there for a minute, her muscles preparing, before pulling herself up. "Look at you," James said appreciatively, "You know, my record is 182. You think you can beat it?"

"Maybe," she said, accepting the challenge. Her own record was only 125 but she planned to give it her best.

He chuckled, "Ah, this should be good." Then he went back to his workout on the punching bag as she started working on her pull ups. At first it was fairly easy, her muscles knowing the movements. It was a strain but it felt good. There was always something relaxing and mind clearing about a good workout.

Kaidan was heading out the door when he caught a glimpse of her on the bars, a smirk of challenge on her face. He knew that look. She was legitimately going to try to beat James record. He shook his head. He knew the shape she was in and while he knew she could do a lot, he wasn't sure if anyone could beat James' record. Not even Shepard.

Lingering at the door, Kaidan watched just out of sight, his curiosity pulling at him and getting the better of him. James called out, "That's twenty."

Still she continued. She knew she could beat James record and showing him up gave her just the right motivation. She'd always take the chance to knock down his ego a notch, especially when it came to physical fitness. Breathing steadily through her nose, she felt the familiar feel of determination settle over her.

As she reached forty though, she began to feel the strain but she pushed through it. She would beat James at his own record. She didn't know why she had to do it but she knew she did. Something drove her and the more pull-ups she still, the more she began to suspect it went past toning down Vega's ego.

Kaidan watched in amazement as she continued, the strain showing on her face as she broke a sweat. With each rep, she pushed herself harder. She timed her breaths, did everything by the book. As she broached sixty, Kaidan found himself growing more impressed. James shouted encouragements, goading her on even more. He even tried to throw her off at times..

It wasn't until she hit a hundred that Kaidan noticed a change in her. That determination born of a challenge faded away as a new determination set in her face. She gained a focus like he'd never seen on her, as if her mind were a million light-years away. The ferocity he recognized from the battlefield tinted the edges of her demeanor and whatever held her mind as she pushed through the pull-ups had her working out more than just her body.

And it was. Something had changed after she broached a hundred. Thoughts started pouring into her mind with each pull up. First it was determination to beat Vega's record then the thoughts turned to the Reapers and determination set in there. She would defeat them. With each pull, she worked through her anger regarding the Reapers.

She was drawn deeper into her thoughts the more reps she did, her thoughts moving from the Reapers and the war to the faces of all the people she lost. Jenkins. Ash. Mordin. Each one of them came to her mind as she pushed a hundred and fifty, her own record having came and gone. That determination to beat the Reapers turned to determination to do better for the people she had lost and those she still had with her.

Soon she wasn't doing it anymore for the challenge but for herself. With every pull up, her thoughts worked through all the pain, hardship and losses that weighed on her soul. Every bad command decision, every failure, every moment that didn't turn into a victory she recalled and then let go with the burn that coursed through her muscles. It became a therapy. A catharsis. As the minutes passed and she grew closer to the goal, her soul felt lighter.

James had long stopped punching on the punching bag and even Kaidan had pushed off from the wall where he stood as they watched her in awe. They could see by her face the emotions that process through her, the strength that poured out. It was a strength of her character, of her soul, as she pushed herself harder. It was a sight to see and in those moments, both men realized the depths she would go and what this mission meant to her.

No words had needed to be said on the matter. It was written on her face.

She would stop at nothing to end the war.

As she strained to bring herself up the last pull-up with a grunt, she let out a sigh and dropped. Her muscles groaned at the workout they just did but as her feet hit the ground, she felt like a new person. Between the previous days with Kaidan and then the working bringing catharsis, she felt better. Inside and out.

"Holy hell. You did it!" James said, rushing up to her in shock, "I…I don't know what to say. How're you feeling?" He was beyond shocked. No one had ever beaten his record but then again, he thought, no one had needed it as bad as she seemed to.

"Like I could do another 183," she quipped but her voice betrayed the exhaustion she felt. She caught her breath as he looked at her.

He shrugged and laughed, "If you say so, Lola."

She smiled then as he turned back to his work-out, his fists pushing to meet the punching bag. She glanced to the figure by the front door and saw Kaidan standing there, a look of pride on his face with a shadow of worry as he gave her a single nod. She knew then he'd seen it and knew what had just happened. No words were necessary and she was okay with it.

Turning, he left the apartment as she looked back to Vega, "Don't break my bag, is all I ask," then she left the workout room as he whooped in excitement at being able to stay.


	34. In Memoriam

Shepard looked at herself in the mirror of master bathroom of the apartment, the lines of her dress uniform fitting her nicely. She looked ready for this but hardly felt like it. She took a deep breath. She knew people would be arriving soon.

Kaidan came up behind her and placed his hands on her shoulders, giving a soft, yet sad, encouraging smile. He looked dashing, cutting a sharp figure in his own dress blues that clung to his form. Part of her didn't want him, of all people, here but he'd know Thane, albeit briefly, while in the hospital. She didn't want to take away from him the chance to mourn and honor a friend but she knew there would be questions by the end of the memorial they would have to work through.

It wasn't that she'd been unfaithful but somehow, remembering the night her and Thane shared, she felt like she had been. Between Horizon and her own letter of goodbye, her and Kaidan had been finished when her and Thane shared those few hours. Yet, they were back together and for some reason, despite her reasoning to the contrary, she felt as if she had been unfaithful to Kaidan. She knew he would understand what happened but it still didn't make her any more eager to just jump head first into talking about it.

Plus there was the barrage of feelings she knew she was going to feel. In her way, she had cared deeply for Thane. Though that care had been mostly a deep, trusting friendship on her part, she still missed him daily. She missed his wisdom and guidance and she's missed his unique perspective on the universe. They needed him in the fight against the Reapers and he was gone.

Kaidan stroked her shoulder with his thumb in support as he saw Shepard blink away whatever memories held her. He'd known Thane had been a member of her crew and a close friend. He knew how the losses weighed in her but there was something more to her sorrow over Thane. She had guilt over his death and he couldn't figure out why - it wasn't as if he'd died by any command decision she'd made.

Still, he was here to support her and pay his respects to the drell. He was sure Shepard would speak about it in her own time. He'd only known Thane a short time but what he had known was an honorable man. That'd surprised Kaidan the most about Thane: an honorable assassin.

It was actually from Thane that he'd learned as much about the mission Shepard had gone on through the Omega-4 relay. He'd always wondered how exaggerated calling it a 'suicide mission' was until he heard what they had to go through to get there and what they went through when they were there. The fact Shepard had returned alive with the whole of her crew was nothing short of a miracle, and a testament to her leadership and her ability to inspire those she led.

The door downstairs chimed, signaling the arrival of their guests. Taking a deep breath, Kiara took one last look in the mirror and steeled herself. "You've got this," Kaidan said behind her as she gave a sad smile and headed downstairs to greet Kolyat.

Kaidan followed behind her a moment later and observed as she moved to open the door and greet the drell. She gave a warm smile as her hands came up to hover over his upturned palms, waving over them but not touching before bringing her hands to her side. He wondered if it was a traditional drell greeting, though it seemed more personal than a formal one.

It wasn't long after Kolyat arrived before the other guests arrived. Some Kaidan knew personally and some he didn't, many of the people gathered being other past-crewmates of Shepard. He looked at them all, measuring them. He was glad to see she'd had such a good group with her. It helped ease a little of the guilt he felt at not having joined her.

When everyone was gathered, Shepard took her place at the front next to the piano that held a picture of Thane next to a vase of flowers. She began solemnly but still held the commanding, regal presence she always carried. For her part, it took everything she had to swallow the lump in her throat and address those who'd came to pay their respects.

"We are gathered here to honor the life of Thane Krios. Thane touched each of our lives in different ways. The Councilor," Shepard gestured to the salarian councilor, "knew him as a hero. The Normandy's crew knew him as a brother-in-arms…and others, as a father devoted to his son."

Shepard took a breath, "Though his life took him to very dark places, Thane cared for the better angels of our nature. He once said that he first felt love for his wife when she stepped in front of an assassin to save someone she didn't even know." Her voice grew stronger and carried more, despite still heavy with grief, "And when he knew his death was close, he chose to die doing nearly the same thing…also for someone he didn't even know."

She felt the tears begin to prick her eyes as she looked out at the crowd. She had to hold it together, be strong. She blinked away the tears, knowing she couldn't continue. She'd said enough, though she doubted there would ever be enough words to honor him as he deserved, "Would anyone else like to speak?" she asked those gathered.

Tali'Zorah was the first after a moment of silence had fallen over the room, "What I remember about Thane was his confidence. He told me once about how he remembered everything, eve every mistake he made. If I did that, I'd be a nervous wreck. Thane kept it under control."

Garrus slowly looked up, "Its strange, but the last word I'd label Thane with is 'assassin'. We covered each other in firefights. That makes him a partner."

Shepard was moved by the words everyone was speaking about Thane and she could see Kolyat was as well. Samara was the next to speak, her solid voice carrying, "Thane's last stand was important, but let us also remember why Thane left the Normandy to keep his son away from a life of crime. Deeds such as these do not go unnoticed by the universe. They echo in all who bear them. That is why I am here."

"Thane took himself seriously," EDI added in, "a trait with which I did not always agree. I tried to make him laugh on several occasions. But what I interpreted as a lack of humor was masking a great effort. Thane was turning his life around in a way few organics do."

Joker was next to speak up, "The day Thane came onto the Normandy, all Kelly and I knew about him was that he could probably kill us all with a ballpoint pen," he said, bringing his humor into it. It made Shepard smile, as well as a few other guests, "But after you got to know him, there wasn't any reason to be afraid. He let you know where you stood." Joker looked to Kolyat then, "Kolyat, do you…"

Shepard looked to Thane's son and gave him a small nod as she stepped away from the front of the room. She watched him as she took her place to the side of the crowd as Kolyat stood at the front. She took strength in the solid presence of Kaidan near her back, knowing he was there if she needed him.

It took him a few moments before Kolyat spoke, "When I was little, I thought my father had it all figured out. He said men must be loyal to their friends and dangerous to their enemies." Kolyat adjusted his posture, clasping his hands behind his back. He reminded Shepard of Thane in that moment and it tugged at the pain in her heart. Thane had been proud of the man his son had become and she was proud of him too. He'd came a long way from the young man she'd first met.

Kolyat continued, "But when he prevented me from…from hurting someone, he had changed. He said enemies and ego are not as important as loved ones. I didn't want to hear it. I was…lost. I called him a hypocrite in a thousand different ways, said he was going soft. Now…I think maybe he did have it all figured out." Kolyat took a breath, "That's all I can say. If anyone would like to continue, we'll be here."

The crowd broke up then, people coming up to give their condolences to Kolyat. It was a solemn affair but Shepard remained at his side, giving him support. Nearly an hour later the crowd was considerably thinned as Kaidan stood against the wall that shared the fireplace watching Shepard. She'd been busy playing hostess to the memorial all evening and he'd, for the most part, kept himself apart from her but always near in case she needed him.

Saying goodbye to Joker and EDI, Shepard saw Kolyat over by the windows looking out at the Strip and went over to join him, "Looks like people are starting to clear out," she said softly.

"Commander. Thank you for holding this event. In time, it will be a good memory," Kolyat said, watching the cars fly bad swiftly.

"I don't know if I'll be as philosophical about it," Shepard confessed, "its still kind of raw." Kaidan wasn't surprised hearing this as he pushed off the wall and headed to talk to Garrus. He didn't want to intrude on their private conversation and eavesdrop.

"I understand," Kolyat said simply then after a moment, "if you will excuse me, I should take this opportunity to speak with the councilor."

"About what?" she asked, looking over to him.

Kolyat turned, "He is feeling grateful and I want to point out there are some salarian biologists who need funding. If anyone would be able to create a breakthrough in the treatment of Kepral's Syndrome, it would be them."

"If you need someone to hold the councilor's feet to a fire, I'm there," she said firmly. She'd seen what Kepral's Syndrome could do. She didn't want anyone else having to die from it in that way.

"I appreciate the offer, but Councilor Valern has recently orated about funding science during wartime. My odds are good," Kolyat said with a small nod, "Oh, before I go…I was organizing my father's possessions and I came upon copies of video messages he tried to send you while you were incarcerated. I sent them to your extranet address. I hope they help more than they hurt." He put his hand forward and she shook it, "Until we meet again, Commander." Then he broke off and approached the councilor.

Shepard continued to mingle until all the guests had left. Kaidan continued to watch her but for the most part gave her the space she needed. Coming around the corner from having escorted the last of the guests out, he looked for her but couldn't find her.

His attention turned upstairs at something that faintly sounded like Thane's voice. Taking to the stairs, he found her standing in front of the screen in the bedroom. Her face was unreadable as she watched a vid message of Thane. Kaidan stood at the door, giving her distance as she listened to the messages. He didn't know where she got them but he could tell by her face she'd never seen them before. It was that unreadable expression that kept him there, wanting to make sure she had the support she needed.

" _Siha, I have thought over what you said and in retrospect, I think leaving the Normandy was for the best. I suppose I should thank you for my freedom. It was saddening to see the crew go their separate ways but it is better than answering questions in an Alliance interrogation room,_ " Thane said on the vid, " _I hope this message finds you well. As for me…I have moved into an apartment on the Citadel not far from Kolyat._ "

Shepard watched intently as Thane grew silent for a moment on the vid. Seeing him again, even the echo of him on the vid, pulled at her grief more than she expected. Hearing him call her ' _siha_ ' again only made it worse. She regretted the depth of his love for her and her inability to share those feelings in return. She felt unworthy of the endearment he'd bestowed upon her yet hearing him call her it again, in a bittersweet way, balmed the ache in her chest a bit.

" _I think the first attack I had frightened him,_ " Thane continued. " _I will spare you the details. It seemed very dramatic at the time, but in comparison to the Omega relay, it was a child's game. Maybe I shouldn't have said that. I don't want you to feel guilty. Just…just face it bravely. I know you are good at that. In any case, good luck getting the Alliance to listen to you. Let's keep in touch._ "

The vid message cut out then as she took a breath, bringing up her omni-tool and starting the next one.

Thane reappeared on the screen, " _Shepard. If you sent a message back, I didn't get it. I suppose communications from someone of reputation would be restricted. The irony is, I am a danger to no one these days. I am even paying my taxes on my investments. I can't expect Kolyat to do so if I don't. He is doing better. He has no significant other, and he is temperamental, but he is employed and staying out of crime. I can tell he is serious about changing. It has cost him more than a few friends. Send something back if you can, Shepard. I can only learn so much from news reports about you._ "

The screen cut out again as the vid message ended. She took a deep breath as she brought up her omni-tool again and selected the third of the four messages.

" _I have tried a false identity to try to get this message through to you. We'll see if it works,_ " Thane said as he reappeared on the screen. " _I have good news and bad. The good news is that Kolyat and I took a few days to visit Earth._ " Suddenly he got that far away look he got whenever he recalled memories, " _Light the shade of her eyes. Shrill sound of chirping stops. I scan the ground, see two tiny bodies locked by claws…_ "

Thane blinked then continued, " _Excuse me. As I was saying, we saw a beautiful sunset in New Mexico and a scorpion eating a cricket. I wish you could have joined us. The bad news is…_ " Shepard found herself taking a step closer to the screen, holding her breath as she searched the pixel of the face of one of her dearest friends, " _I had…I fainted and struck my head. Kolyat has convinced me to stay at Huerta Memorial on the Citadel. I will be there from now on._ "

She knew how much that would have bothered him and it saddened her it had happened. She hadn't known it had gotten that bad. Thane on the screen continued, validating that assumption, " _I still don't want to die in a hospital, but it's where the doctors are. And Kolyat…I love him. That means I must trust him. Goodbye Shepard. Let me say that now in case I cannot later._ " The screen cut out then.

Shepard took another deep breath then resolved herself as she started the final message, " _Siha. I have prepared emails, sent videos, even composed paper letters. I know this will not reach you, but it must be said. I once had no reason to live, then suddenly I had two: you and Kolyat._ " Shepard looked down a moment at his words, guilt and regret coursing through her. She fought to bring herself to look back up as the vid continued, " _I understand the circumstances that kept us apart and I cannot fault you for them and Kolyat takes much of my time but…_ "

Thane considered a moment, " _I don't know if it's obvious to humans…_ " then suddenly he was tripped back into another memory, one that had Shepard's heart clenching tightly in her chest, " _Fist slams the table. She comes to me, fingers cool and soothing. 'Thane, be alive with me tonight'_ " he blinked then and stepped closer to the camera, " _I cannot forget you. That is what humans say. With us, it is a state called tu-fira. 'Lost in another'. It can consume us._ "

Even through the message, his gaze grew intense, " _In case you are in pain because of this and the circumstances which held us, I want to say…you have only made my life better. You gave me you, Kolyat…even the Omega-4 relay made me feel…purposeful. We are alive, siha. And when we are not, I hope I will meet you across the sea._ "

Shepard closed her eyes, feeling tears run down her cheeks. Her heart was heavy and a small part of it felt as if it had been torn from her chest. Even in the end, he stilled loved her though she had been unable to love him. She felt guilt and shame but she knew it had been as it was supposed to be. She loved Kaidan and it eased the pain in her heart knowing Thane understood that and still loved her regardless. It was an unconditional love and she had never felt she had deserved it.

For Kaidan, he didn't know what to think as he stood there in the doorway. He'd meant to leave when he realized the last message was more private than the first three but he hadn't been able to pull himself away. His mind whirled. Had they been in a relationship? If so, why hadn't she said anything?

It was clear by the message, they'd been intimate and the drell had spoken of his love for Shepard. Suddenly he understood the guilt he'd read on her earlier. A part of him raged in jealousy - not at the thought she'd been with another but that she had loved another. He couldn’t blame her for the sex. Hell, he'd had a one night stand with the doctor his friends had set him up that one time. He hadn't moved on, though, or loved anyone else but her and the thought that she had was like a knife in heart.

Pain and anger coursed through him as he turned to leave when Shepard noticed him, wiping her tears away with her hand, "Kaidan," she said softly, "I didn't see you there." Silence held them for a moment, "Did you...were you here for the messages?" she asked apprehensively.

He stopped walking but didn't turn around, his voice coming out colder and harsher than he intended, "Yeah, I was. Sorry Shepard, I shouldn't have been. It was clearly private." He started to walk away again, having tried his hardest to not let the pain be heard in his voice. He failed.

"He loved me but I didn't love him," she said abruptly, stopping him once more in his bid to leave. He remained still, his back to her. "He knew that and he accepted it regardless. We shared a night before heading into the Omega 4 relay. We were both scared, anxious, agitated. Neither of us wanted to die. We found comfort in each other for a few hours then went about our mission. Nothing else happened and there was nothing more to it."

She stepped forward, moving closer to Kaidan. She watched him closely, knowing he was hurt and angry. "We grew close talking about the loved ones we'd lost. He lost his wife and I'd lost you," she continued, "When he told me he loved me, it was some time after I'd written to you, telling you to move on and grieve for me. Even then I couldn't say goodbye to you. I tried but I couldn't. I cared for him but not in the way he cared for me. He understood. Though he believed a person could have many loves in one lifetime, he respected that I only had one. You."

Kaidan listened to her words and let them sink in. It didn't completely ease the pain but it helped ease the rage of the jealousy. He understood what she said and couldn't fault her for any of it. It moved him that even though she'd told move on, she hadn't been able to anymore than he had. A part of him hated himself for being happy he was the reason for another's misery - loving someone who loved another. Slowly he turned around, looking at her.

"I tried to move on from you, Kaidan. I tried to put us in the past but I couldn't," she said, willing her voice not to tremble, "you're not someone I could ever get over. We're connected in a way I can't begin to describe nor do I want to. If there is anything I learned from losing you is that without you, I'm not me. I'm a shell of me, empty of everything that makes me good and strong."

Kaidan's heart tugged at her words as he looked at her, speechless. He felt the same way about her but had never been able to find the words. Slowly, he approached her until he stood in front of her. His arms slid around her as he pulled her close to him, embracing her.

She returned the embrace, burying her face against his chest. He understood the guilt he'd seen in her earlier. She wasn't feeling guilty about her causing Thane's death. She was feeling guilty because he had loved her and she hadn't loved him.

"Were you ever going to tell me?" Kaidan asked, not sure if he wanted to know the answer.

Shepard let out sigh as she fisted her hands in the back of his uniform, then drew back, "Yes. I wanted to before but I didn’t know how. I knew it would come out eventually and then when Kolyat ask me to host the memorial, I knew somehow this was when I was going to tell you."

A thought struck Kaidan, "Did he know, in the hospital, who I was?" he asked her softly. He had accepted her truth that she was going to tell him and that was enough. She nodded and he was stunned, humbled even. The thought that Thane had continued to look out for him and befriend him, even knowing he was the one who the woman Thane loved was devoted to, floored him. He knew Thane was a good man but it hit him just how good of one he was.

For the longest time, Kaidan just stood there holding her as she clung to him. There were no words for that moment. Wrapped in the arms of the man she loved, Shepard let slowly let the guilt and regret ease from her chest. Not just for Thane but for all the people she had cared about and lost. In his arms, she said her goodbyes.


End file.
